Hold On To Your Raisins: How The Man From The Goatse Photo Will Cause The End Of The World
Some people say the world will end in fire. Some people say it will end in ice. I say it will end when the man from the Goatse photo bends over at a particular angle in front of the sun, and the exposure to such a massive black hole causes the sun to collapse in on itself.
Taking Down The Whole Loaf: Observations From The Kentucky Derby
I’m walking up to the Kentucky Derby gates. A man is selling bootleg T-shirts that read, “I Beat The Pussy Up!”. If you’re going to buy one pussy-centric shirt on your way to the horse race billed as “The Most Important Two Minutes In Sports History”, I don’t think you’re going to find a better offering, unless Cat Fancy Magazine sells shirts at the Derby. Cat Fancy Magazine, you really dropped the ball on this one. And batted it around a little. Next year, I think the T-shirt guy should aim higher, with an “I Beat The Pussy Up!” seersucker suit. He could also sell it to local productions of To Kill a Mockingbird. It’s never too late for a more modern take on Atticus Finch.
You Certainly Can’t Forget To Eat The Heart: Reviewing The Trailer For “Snow White And The Huntsman” With Soren Bowie
In which Jason and Soren Bowie of Cracked.com discuss the trailer for Snow White and the Huntsman.
J: Hi Soren. Welcome to this review of Snow White and the Huntsman. From the looks of it, the quickest route to being fairest of all is soaking in a bathtub full of milk. Of course, some of us have always known that prolonged milk-on-skin contact will result in excessive fairness, both the physical and moral kind. Which is why progressive courtrooms across the country have installed mandatory milk-soaking tubs to ensure fairness in all jury trials. Whether members of the jury wear shower caps and utilize comically overlong back scrubbers is at the discretion of the presiding judge, who is usually a breastfeeding baby in a powdered wig.
