Make America Grimace Again: A Review of Trump’s McDonald’s Commercial

Make America Grimace Again: A Review of Trump’s McDonald’s Commercial

In which Jason Mallory and Chris Alonzo review Donald Trump’s McDonald’s Commercial from 2002

JASON

That’s right, Chris—future President Donald Trump is holding a private meeting with McDonaldland’s arguably dumbest resident Grimace in his office at the top of Trump Tower. He seems to think that Grimace is responsible for McDonald’s pricing and business strategy?!

I Hope Yuh Comprehend—A Review of Simply Red’s “Stars”

I Hope Yuh Comprehend—A Review of Simply Red’s “Stars”

In which Jason and The Tusk’s Nate Waggoner send their future into clearer dimensions by reviewing the video for Simply Red’s Stars.

JASON

Hey Nate! I wanna fall from the stars straight into YOUR arms! Just like that Red Bull astronaut. Remember him? Felix Baumgartner literally fell 128,000 feet from the stars and he didn’t have the common courtesy to aim for the lead singer of Simply Red!

Introducing The Henchies™ Featuring Jason and Julian

Introducing The Henchies™ Featuring Jason and Julian

This essay was originally performed live at our Disney-themed variety show Scene Missing Presents WALTLANTA

JASON
Hey, Julian! I’m so glad we could finally do a Scene Missing featuring live performances based on our favorite animated characters…the Minions! Scene Minion presents Minionlanta! And I REALLY appreciate you getting your name legally changed to Jul-minion Miniondugno just for the event! People said I was crazy for hiring a Justice of the Peace to stand around in the lobby before the show. People also said I was crazy for making him dress like a Minion.

Letter from the Editor: I Can Clearly See Your Nuts

Letter from the Editor: I Can Clearly See Your Nuts

I want to start by saying that you are the greatest readers who ever lived, even better than the readers who are buried in King Tut’s Tomb. King Tut insisted on being buried with anyone who ever laughed at one of his jokes, so I guess if you laugh at one of my jokes today, and I become a pharaoh, then I’ll probably want to be buried with you in my tomb.

Screeee Hello To My Little Friend!

Screeee Hello To My Little Friend!

JASON

Hey, Bobbin. I am totally ready to start this essay with you, and I am definitely going to stay on topic, so if I start to ramble just give me a good solid jab with your finger! Like a witch jabbing a chubby kid that she’s thinking about putting into a cauldron.

A Burning Shrek Of Fire

A Burning Shrek Of Fire

BOBBIN

Jason, I would love to start this essay, but I cannot concentrate per the bagpipes blaring outside my home office. The second Wednesday of every month, a coterie of elderly men convenes across the street at the Atlanta Burns Cottage, a historic clubhouse replicating Robert Burns’ Scottish childhood abode. Built in 1911, the cottage houses monthly Burns Club meetings, where members celebrate the life and work of this 18th century poet. Chauvinistically per tradition, though, the club only accepts male Burns enthusiasts.

To Coach A Mockingbird

To Coach A Mockingbird

BOBBIN

In summer 2013, Atlanta home values skyrocketed, increasing by 17% on average. My landlord decided to put her house on the market and kick my husband and me out despite our flawless rental history. I arrived home one evening to find all the shades open, my favorite coffee mug broken, and my vibrator lying in the middle of the bedroom floor. Apparently a professional photographer had trudged through the house taking pictures for the online listing. Did the wayward dildo make the bedroom look more peaceful? I don’t understand the artist’s logic.

Ol’ Bighead Strikes Again: On How To Correctly Pronounce “Chipotle”

Ol’ Bighead Strikes Again: On How To Correctly Pronounce “Chipotle”

In which Jason and Atlanta writer/raconteur Randy Osborne discuss the proper way to pronounce “Chipotle.”

Fatality Moves For Beginners: Mortal Kombat At The YMCA

Fatality Moves For Beginners: Mortal Kombat At The YMCA

Derek had never seemed to really notice me before, even though we were in physical science class together. Of course, there was probably a lot about middle school to which Derek hadn’t paid much attention, since he was supposed to have been a couple grades ahead of the rest of us. But everybody knew him. He was the school badass.

The only kid in 8th grade with his license, he was busted the first day he drove to school for having a katana in his back seat. Derek claimed he didn’t mean to bring the sword to school: that he had just forgotten to take it out. This, of course, suggested that in the place where some might casually toss an ice scraper or road atlas, he normally kept a goddamn ninja sword.

Cue The End Of Childhood: On So So Def Records, Alternate Dimensions, And Onion Booty

Cue The End Of Childhood: On So So Def Records, Alternate Dimensions, And Onion Booty

In which Jason and Atlanta writer Brooke Hatfield discuss famous Atlanta Southern hip hop, R&B and bass record label So So Def Recordings.

JASON
Hey, Brooke—and welcome to the first annual Scene Missing So So Def Bass All-Stars Conversation! Let’s meet back here this time every year and talk about So So Def Records, okay? And we’ll make a deal that if neither one of us is married by the time we’re 40, one of us has to marry Jermaine Dupri.

Nick & Myke’s #2 – Stuck To Our Guns, Shooting The Moon

Nick & Myke’s #2 – Stuck To Our Guns, Shooting The Moon

Myke Johns and Nick Tecosky are the producers of WRITE CLUB Atlanta. In an ill-conceived bid to remain hip and relevant and also to vent their anger and bile at people who actually are hip and relevant, they have devoted themselves to reviewing #2 hits on the Billboard charts.

For the week of March 17th, the #2 hit on the Billboard Hot Country chart is:

Florida-Georgia-Line-Heres-To-The-Good-Times-This-Is-How-We-Roll

NICK
It was nighttime, in the Summer, and I found myself on the outskirts of Valdosta, Georgia. The air was thick with the oppressive humidity of early August and I was dizzy on the symphony of crickets and bullfrogs and the sickly-sweet taste of my first sip of Southern Comfort.

Nick & Myke’s #2 – A Perfect Storm Of Hot Pink Dust

Nick & Myke’s #2 – A Perfect Storm Of Hot Pink Dust

Myke Johns and Nick Tecosky are the producers of WRITE CLUB Atlanta. In an ill-conceived bid to remain hip and relevant and also to vent their anger and bile at people who actually are hip and relevant, they have devoted themselves to reviewing the #2 hit on the Billboard Hot 100 chart.

For the week of March 10th, the #2 hit on the Billboard charts is:

katy_art

NICK
So, a crazy long time ago, Cleopatra committed suicide. Maybe. Maybe she was murdered by Caesar Augustus. If she did in fact commit suicide, it was by asp, which is a kind of snake. Maybe. I mean, yes, an asp is a kind of snake, but maybe she didn’t use one to commit suicide, which she almost certainly possibly did (unless of course she was murdered) according to the people who would know that kind of thing.

Lust, Caution: The Way We Were

Lust, Caution: The Way We Were

I scan the wall. It’s lined with light bulbs between the rows of magazines, like on a marquee. My eyes land on one of the glossy covers. A woman faces out. She has sandy hair to her shoulders. Her green eyes flash. Her teeth gleam in a broad smile, perfect. She looks like Olivia Newton John.