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This game was on sale for twenty bucks at Target. Twenty bucks! You can get paper towels, a jug of Hawaiian Punch and three frozen pizzas for that price.

My Fable 2 character started out all sexy and scruffy-shirtless, poet’s beard, sandy blond hair. Unfortunately for him, eating pies not only replenish health, they fatten your character up.

One thing leads to another, I find myself in a tight spot- I’m feeding that dude pie left and right. Soon he’s so fat I have to put a coat on him (a stylish coat, but a coat of shame nonetheless). Well, his long alt-rocker hair won’t work on his chubby face so I change his haircut to shaved and grow out his beard to cover his chin.

Suddenly I realize my Fable 2 character looks exactly like me, if I had a fabulous coat.

For a game that gave me “evil points” for overcharging people on the rent, Fable 2 didn’t seem to mind that I had three different families in as many cities like a secret polygamist businessman. If you’re a lady in a strange town, and I don’t have any families in that town, I’m going to get you pregnant and then high tail it out of there. Good riddance, women and babies! See you next time I want to buy a sword or new clothes in the town where I abandoned your ass.

I was on the way to bring some fancy furniture to this prostitute I married when the game froze up and went to a black screen. I reloaded it and the same thing happened. I got on the internet and guess what- a LOT of people had this same problem. And it’s UNFIXABLE. You have to delete your whole game and start over again. Something to do with a corrupt save file.

Now my prostitute wife will never get her luxury linens! Her powdered skin will never know the exotic thrill of laying on fancy sheets oh wait she’s a prostitute the last thing she wants to see is another bed.

Well, kiss my grits Fable 2! I can’t even get my money back. Can you imagine the headache of trying to explain corrupt save files to the customer service people at Target? You see the save file is broken….other people on internet forums….no switching the game won’t work….Oh I see, well I guess I’ll just go THROW THIS GAME IN A GOD DAMN RIVER and hope a magic fish gives me a wishing coin for it.

What’s that magic fish? You say I get three wishes? Hot damn! I guess magic river fish must use broken Xbox games as some kind of currency. What are you going to buy with it? Enchanted river porno, you say.

Huh. Wasn’t expecting that answer.

• Me: Hey Boy George, I’m away from my computer-could you update my tumblr account for me? Boy George: I’ll Tumble 4 Ya! II’ll Tumble for YOU! #
• I’m ready to debut my new line of pants—What’s Up Now, Britches! #
• “Get out of my yard!!” —Ivar “Pop” Coulson, inventor of the modern milkshake, to all the boys in his yard. #
• Baby Animal was clearly the best Muppet Baby. I’m on the fence about adult Animal. Seems like he might carry an unlicensed firearm. #
• Businessman to other businessman in gas station parking lot: “You left your cookies on my desk.” #
• Watched a scowling lady get whipped around by the wind and snow while listening to an acoustic cover of “Pump Up The Jam” in my car. #

This review contains spoilers.

You think Doctor Who gets hot wearing a long coat over his suit all the time? I hate wearing a coat unless it’s really cold. Ever wear a coat in a car that’s been sitting in the sun all day? Even though it’s cold outside, the car is really hot but you’ve made your coat decision and got your seat belt on, so now you just have to sweat while you drive around.

Doctor Who is so lonely he can’t help but pick up another strange woman on his travels in season three. Good thing he has an eye for heroic ladies. Hate to see the Doctor get graadlefaxrd on the planet Hyrule because a truck stop hooker sold him out for a pack of sonic cigarettes.

It took me three seasons to wonder this, but where do the Doctor’s companions sleep on his police box ship? Must get frustrating sleeping in the same room, but not the same bed, as someone you have sexual tension with. Doctor Who’s TARDIS is like the champagne room of time traveling ships.

Oh there’s champagne in the Champagne Room. But you don’t want champagne… you want sex. And there’s no sex in the TARDIS.

Martha Jones is the Doctor’s companion this season. She’s so hot even Shakespeare wants to get in her pants (not a euphemism, they actually meet Shakespeare). She’s black, so every time they travel to a year before 1980 everyone has to make some dick racist comment to her. She even suffers through a job as a maid in 1913 England when Doctor Who becomes a human to hide out from some aliens.  Oh hey I’m going to lay low for a while— mind scrubbing floors for a few months? I’ll be over here teaching school as a well respected professor. Lalalala…

Doctor Who’s worst enemy the Daleks try to make a comeback on the top of The Empire State building during the Great Depression. They want to make human-Dalek hybrids. Doctor Who stops their plan by transmitting his own DNA into the human Daleks through a bolt of lightning.

I know how you feel Doctor Who. The last time I “transmitted my DNA” it felt like a bolt of lightning, too.

Captain Jack Harkness from Torchwood hitches a ride on the Doctor’s ship by literally holding on to the sides of the police box as it hurtles through time and space. I don’t think this follows NASA protocol for space travel. Just because the man can’t die doesn’t mean he can hold on to a wooden box with his fingertips on a trip to the end of the universe. This isn’t a mechanical bull on dollar beer night, Captain Jack.

Right before Harkness peaces out he drops some knowledge on the Doctor that he is, in fact, The Face of Boe. The Face of Boe is an enormous wrinkled face as old as time itself. It lives in a glass vat. Doctor Who watches him die in the far-flung future. Captain Jack is immortal and has a splendid coat. Wow, this show is all about coats. I guess it wouldn’t be as popular if it was called Doctor Coats.

I guess Jack is immortal, but not too immortal. He lives forever, but not FOREVER. More like a lot of ever. Quite a bit of ever. But not forever.

The big bad this season is The Master, another time lord that The Face of Boe warned the Doctor about. The Master takes all the humans at the end of time and puts their heads in some miniature death stars with needles and lasers. And he steals the TARDIS and makes it into a “paradox machine” (aka a Doctor Who scriptwriter’s keyboard) that ensures that time doesn’t collapse on itself.

Oh yeah and he ages Doctor Who one hundred years, turning him into a wizened little gnomish creature and puts him in a cage. I like that even in the cage the little Doctor Who had on a miniature suit. Where did he get that suit?

Oh hello, I’ve just taken over the world and turned my arch nemesis Doctor Who into a wizened diminutive version of himself. But I need a tiny pinstriped suit for him.

Well of course I’ve tried Baby Gap!

Spoilers below.

My Effortless Brilliance is about a fussy little man (Eric) and his adventure in the country trying to mend an old friendship. Eric’s “effortless brilliance” is his super ability to radiate gamma rays with little to no exertion on his part, submerging evil-doers in the blinding light of justice.

Just kidding—the title just refers to the fact that he’s a talented self-absorbed writer. I think.

Eric calls his friend Dylan and says “Hey why don’t you drive your ass over here and bring me some Indian food” (in so many words). Apparently he pulls this kind of shit all the time because Dylan brings him the food but then says “You’re a terrible friend”, leaving Eric literally holding the bag.

BAM TWO YEARS LATER

Dylan lives in the country now. A hot book groupie  flirts with Eric, but you never find out if he gets any sexy literate action. Eric wears a scarf and is still persnickety. He must realize how much he sucks, because he hauls his curly headed butt out to the middle of nowhere for a surprise visit to Dylan’s quaint little cabin.

Dylan has a weird intense friend now. Like the kind of wild eyed guy that just make you uneasy. My friend Mike says if you can see the whites above a person’s pupil all the time they can’t be trusted. This guy doesn’t really have that going on with his eyes, but he should. He rides around on a horse looking to shoot a cougar.

Dylan and his uptight country friend are standoffish to Eric until they get drunk. A story is told about Liv Tyler’s ass. Everybody goes out in the middle of the night to hunt that cougar.

I totally understand why Dylan wanted to get Eric out of his life- I’m kind of a pain in the ass to my friends, too. I’m also fastidious and it’s like pulling teeth getting me to drive. I don’t have any scarves though.

THE END

• Kid in Target, to his mom: “I was just thinking about monkeys.” Me too, kid. #
• Why would you have to bring jukebox money to the Love Shack? The jukebox should be free. Maybe they need money to fix that rusted tin roof. #
• You always hear about things that are none of your beeswax. Well where the hell is my beeswax? Tell me that, BEES. #

In 17 Again, Matthew Perry plays Mike O’Donnell, a middle aged sales guy who turns into Zac Efron by falling into a magical whirlpool. If I was Matthew Perry’s wife or girlfriend I’d hold his head down in the bathtub and swirl the water around for the hell of it.  “Are you Zac Efron yet? No? Hold your breath..”

Leslie Mann plays his beautiful ex-wife (if you ever hear me say the word MILF it’s because I’m getting punched in the face while I’m trying to say the word ‘milk’) trying to resist jumping Zac Efron’s bones because he looks so much like her husband at 17.

Michelle Trachtenberg tries to jump Zac Efron’s bones but he nips that in the bud because he’s actually her dad, supernaturally transformed into his younger self by a magic janitor.

If any more people were trying to jump Zac Efron’s bones in this movie it would be about the skeleton Olympics.

Thomas Lennon doesn’t try to make love to Zac Efron because he’s too busy being a nerd stereotype, sleeping in a Star Wars Landspeeder replica, waving light-sabers around and desperately masturbating over the first issue of a comic book (not actually in the movie, but he may as well have). Except for when he’s playing video games on an iMac with an Xbox360 controller, somehow, leading me to suspect whoever wrote this scene was so busy thinking about Zac Efron’s dazzling smile they forgot how the electronic devices in their living room worked.

Did you know famous old man comedian George Burns was in a movie in the 80’s with a similar premise called 18 Again!? How does it stack up to 17 Again? Well, it’s not as funny or sharp as 17 Again, but on the other hand George Burns doesn’t confuse one of his old man cigars for a television remote, or pretend to play a video game on a computer with a controller from an unrelated product made by a rival company.

I wonder what it’s like to be the old man in the old-man-turns-into-young-man genre of movie. How does it feel to be the George Burns of this movie, Matthew Perry?