November 2004

SM: If we gave you a sackful of money and a pointy hat made of newspaper, how would you spend the rest of the day? CB: Well, I want to be all spunky and say that I’d rent a derrigible and drop water balloons on people at Disneyland, shouting, “I’m the king of Romania”. But [...]

SM: What sort of pirate would you be? TB: Hmmm. I’ve never given this any thought. I don’t really know much about pirates, or pirate culture. Pirates…hmmm. They’re the people that do the “rrrrr” thing, right? I’d be the pirate who refuses to do the “rrrrr” thing. A contrarian pirate. SM: Sometimes Buddha is portrayed [...]

SM: When was the last time you had on a set of headphones? DR: Election night 2004. SM: What was the last circumstance in which you found yourself that you could not comprehend entirely? DR: Election night 2004. I was surprised Florida went to Bush. SM: Barring yourself, what’s the best thing to come out [...]

SM: Please tell us about the last time you risked your life. GD: Two days ago, by getting in the car to drive into central London. Nothing to tell. I survived. SM: If you had to draw a shipwreck, what would you make sure to include in the picture? GD: The skeletons of an octogenerian [...]

SM: When was the last time you looked over your shoulder at something important? RF: Yesterday I looked over my shoulder at a crow who was clearly upset with somebody. He wasn’t talking to me. SM: Barring a funeral, when was the last time you found yourself in a cemetery? RF: We were at a [...]

SM: What do you do to remedy melancholy? MF: Go for long walks in the country. Cook a meal. Read. For really serious cases, I play chess, but this is not recommended except in emergencies. SM: If you were to pack your bags today for your destination after shuffling off the mortal coil, what would [...]

SM: Please recommend a phrase to mutter under one’s breath, moments after running out of bullets, crouched behind a rock, hearing the approaching footsteps of a rival. BS: “Dark By Five” in parrot voice, and then “Dead By Dawn” in the voice of the guys that own the hardware store in the green part of [...]

SM: Please describe an impressionable moment from your childhood. DB: My father was watching television when arguing with my mother. He threw something at her that cut open her chest. Lotsa blood. He went back to watching different strokes. I can’t remember what episode. I was 11. SM: When was the last time you got [...]

RACHEL’S ANSWERS: SM: How would you recommend we recognize you in the afterlife? RF: Look for the puppy and kitten stampede. SM: Give yourself a name to go by in the land of sleep and dreaming. RF: Spirit Beetle Rainbow Walker SM: This moment is really happening. What now? RF: Put on pants. SM: What [...]

SM: If you were to draw a rocket ship, what would you be sure to include in the portrait? CL: There are two basic types of cartoon spaceship: the phallic arrow-like shape with three of four pointed support stands, and the female donut with a dome, which might have retractable landing gear. I would be [...]

SM: If you were heard to exclaim, “There it is!”, what would you most likely be pointing at? JR: My heterosexuality. SM: What is your first reaction to a spilled glass of liquid? JR: You go, liquid!! SM: What is something you’d like people to know about you? JR: I’ll answer any question, no matter [...]