Archive for: August, 2007

Reviews 08.29.07

Internet Explorer.
I just now learned that if you visit this site using IE, none of the links work. So now I look like a chimp who threw a keyboard at the moon and came up with a website. I hate you, inconsistent browsers.

Jill Scott, “Slowly Surely”.
I can’t always listen to this song because it makes me sad, and also because it makes me think of a 1950’s Japanese detective who investigates a shape shifting criminal who turns out to be an old girlfriend, but he has to let go of his hopes to start again with her because now her heart is as inconstant as her fluid silvery skin.

Some pop punk band with a girl singer who I maybe listened to more than three times this week. If you play it backwards, you can actually hear fathers around the globe not understanding their daughters. One time when I was in middle school my best friend called me to tell me he was burning all his Cheap Trick albums because he played them backwards and he heard the devil. Yeah, if the devil sounds like crappy music. I’m sorry, Cheap Trick fans, the real cheap trick was making you think this was a real review.

Reviews 08.26.07

Elebits on Wii.
Like a disreputable moving company, the most fun part is carelessly throwing furniture around the room. You know what would be ironic? Getting struck by lightning while you were playing a video game about collecting little fragments of lightning. I’d get the game’s logo engraved on my tombstone if that happened. But then, I’d be dead of lightning, so I’d have to visit my friends in their dreams and instruct them of my final wishes.

Gin and Tonics, House Gin.
Tastes like the bark of a peppermint tree, sometimes. If I had a peppermint tree, I wouldn’t get that worked up about it. Like, yeah, the branches are made of peppermint. Yes, it is next to a river of hot cocoa. No, you can’t wrap a colorful woolen scarf around your neck and frolic here. It’s the middle of an August heat wave in Atlanta. Get a hold of yourself.

The lady who came up to me in downtown Atlanta at one a.m. and told me that I was going to see a lot of “chocolate ladies from now on” and that it must be a culture shock to be here and that I was going to be “kissing chocolate” eventually.
Lady, I didn’t just time travel from Robert E. Lee’s house.

Reviews. 08.19.07

Making A Bed While A Cat Tries To Burrow Under The Covers.
Just fine if you don’t know the first thing about making the bed in the first place. Put two pillows on the headboard to distract from the fact that the edges of the sheets are so uneven they’d make a high school shop teacher turn ghostly pale, then explode into a cloud of wood shavings. Cats burrow because they are trying to get underground, so they can have tea with the devil.

On the way into the theater I gave my girlfriend five dollars for a Diet Coke, but then we had to rush into the theater so she never spent it. After the movie was over, I made a joke about how she’d scammed me out of five dollars, and she gave it back to me. Secretly, I wished she’d held onto it, in keeping with my secret delight that she’s always skirting important laws, like the traffic and music downloading ones.

Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix, The Video Game, On Wii.
It’s like some Renaissance era inventor thought up a machine to bore the living shit out of someone, then invented an eternal life potion to spend centuries perfecting it. In the course of the hours I spent playing it, I helped Fred and George move some boxes, I ran my ass all over Hogwarts looking for some gargoyles for some kid’s class project, I repaired some statues, and I fixed up a trophy room. Alternate title I already used in a joke to my friends: Hogwarts: The Chores Edition

An Overall State Of Shabbiness.
Some shirts just want to naturally wrinkle, run them through the dryer and they’ll spin there, conspirators of fabric, holding sleeves and agreeing to never be smooth. Some beards just need to be cut severely, then left alone for three weeks, then cut again, over and over again like the patterns at the edge of your perception, the song you hear three times in one day, the coincidences you can’t shake.

Review, Logo/Illustration: “Koala Crisps”

Review, Logo/Illustration:
Come to think of it, this cereal seems pretty straightforward. A koala drowsing lazily on a tree branch sees a bowl of cereal the size of his head, and gazes at it thoughtfully. The koala hardly seems surprised at the sight of an over sized bowl of cereal (perhaps tucked into the hollow of an adjoining tree?). This kind of thing probably happens all the time.
Some guy probably wanders from Eucalyptus tree to Eucalyptus tree, planting bowls of Koala Crisp in little nooks between branches. “Alright you koalas!” he yells, “come get your crisps!”. Then he pulls his big floppy hat down over his face and falls asleep in the shade.
Later, the koalas steal the buttons off his shirt.
You’d think, all things considered, that they’d have named the cereal “Koala Krisp” with a “K”.

pink yellow wood skeleton

i forgot to tell
the dream i had where grass turned
up into sparrows

but i lay in bed
and told about the one where
i jumped off the roof

onto an old house
pink yellow wood skeleton
and floods took my car

these are parallels
this is what i meant to say
they run alongside