Archive for: September, 2008

DVD Review: Snow Angels

What’s this movie about? A funny high school kid gets a cute girlfriend with an old fashioned camera while his former babysitter deals with her evangelical whiskey-fueled fuck up of an estranged husband. These two stories overlap. Oh, also the kid’s mom and hangdog professor dad are splitting up.
Man, how about that dance scene in the bar with the lady in the Freddy Krueger shirt and hat? Sam Rockwell‘s madness gets the best of him in a tender and vulnerable moment that kicks the viewer’s ass, emotionally speaking. I dare some other indie drama director to craft as moving a scene with the hockey mask from the Friday the 13th movies.
It’s not that this movie has no colors, but given how much snow is seen in the film, this movie is whiter than the Republican National Convention. Then again, it is called Snow Angels.
I was going to write this whole thing about how this movie was a parable of good and evil wrapped around every character like snakes around the staff in the symbol of Caduceus but it’s a sunny autumn day, I won $12 in the scratch off lottery and I just ate a sixteen dollar steak for five bucks so later suckas I’m going to go enjoy my lucky day. Sorry, David Gordon Green.
Rating: Seven Bites Of Almost Free Steak

DVD Review: “Lost Boys: The Tribe”

There’s a 500-600% increase in topless ladies in this film over the first “Lost Boys” count of zero. In the credits, one poor actress is actually billed as “topless woman”.

There’s a scene where the vampires are playing Gears of War. If they have an Xbox- does this mean they have Xbox live? Do they have internet down in their misty dank cavern hideout?
Quoting The Big Lebowski won’t help you, shitty vampire movie.
This movie visually looks pretty good. I like the saturated colors and sort of sepia vibe in the daylight scenes.
Fucking ridiculous: that scene with the skateboards and the cops and the motorcycles and the vampires and the vampire swinging on the rope in the air with a skateboard still on his feet. The only thing that could have made that scene more goddamn crazy is if the original Dracula had roller skated by in a cape.
Corey Feldman, you used to be such a sarcastic badass. Wait, or is it Corey Haim? Ya’ll used to be my heroes when I was a kid. But then so was Scott Bakula in Quantum Leap.
I like how they broke out Kiefer Sutherland’s little brother to play the head vampire this time around. That’s like if you need Einstein to give a lecture on physics but his train is late so you get his brother to do it.
List of things that were in the first movie that are not here:
Awesome soundtrack of creepy songs. (Yeah, Echo & the Bunnymen!)
Corey Haim’s pink shirt that said “Born To Shop”.
Maggots, Michael.
Old man in a jeep with a wooden stake mounted to the front.
Surprise head vampire dating your mom.
Rating: Six Topless Ladies

DVD Review: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles Season 1

Bubbles from The Wire shows up in the middle of this show as a soldier in the future. I like how his hair stayed the same. He looks like a carving of an Egyptian to me.

Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was watching one of the best goddamn shows on television. I wish I hadn’t waited so long to watch this dense and literate show.

There’s a black cat that hangs out in the courtyard of my apartment, I like to think of him as the guardian of the court. Just like a robot girl from the future.

Apparently the future leader of the free world against the tyranny of machines loves the hell out of The Smiths. Hatful of Hollow, at least. [Morrissey voice]: “Oh, Mr.Robot/you say this is the end of the world/but I’ve heard this joke before.”

There’s a scene where the team of scientists who created the atomic bomb get shot and then rise up as shiny metallic terminators. Granted it was a dream sequence, but that’s what I call science!

Sometimes Summer Glau, who is hot enough as it is, wears striped stockings and these wool arm things with the thumbs cut out. I mean, damn. But it does make me wonder, when does she find time from protecting John Connor to find these cute outfits?

This show is like a really good novel. Which, coming from the Terminator movies is like if someone wrote the next “Of Mice and Men” as a television sequel to Die Hard.

Rating: One Mysterious Cat Under The Flagpole By The Mailboxes.

DVD Review: Dexter Season 2

What’s this show about? The second season of Dexter finds Michael C. Hall’s slightly smiling cooler-than-a-polar-bear’s-toenails serial killer doing way less killing and a lot more hanging out and figuring out his life. It’s still really good, though. He dates this crazy girl who won’t wear a bra and thinks he’s her soul mate. Also, everybody he ever killed gets pulled up from their watery graves by the police.

Remember the part in Harriet the Spy where the other kids find her notebook and read all the hurtful observations she wrote about them, then form a “Spy Catcher Club”? This is like that, if Harriet had been a methodical and precise killer of men with a remarkable attention to detail and a creative flair, and the “Spy Catcher Club” had been a mixed team of FBI agents and local Miami police.

How about that wall sized painting his crazy girlfriend does of him toward the end of the season? I bet even Michael Hall was all like, “AAAH!” when he first saw it. That thing made him look super evil.

Just like the first season, the style of photography really gives the city of Miami its own distinctive personality. This show makes me want to swim in the ocean and have a Cuban sandwich.

This show is about keeping secrets for the greater good and turning your worst flaw against itself. It’s like the equivalent of a cheating husband adultering his way to the happiest marriage ever. Don’t know how he did it, but, man, look at those results.

Rating: Ten Bodies At The Bottom Of The Sea, Waiting To Ruin Everything