February 2010

17 Again

February 28, 2010
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In 17 Again, Matthew Perry plays Mike O’Donnell, a middle aged sales guy who turns into Zac Efron by falling into a magical whirlpool. If I was Matthew Perry’s wife or girlfriend I’d hold his head down in the bathtub and swirl the water around for the hell of it.  “Are you Zac Efron yet? [...]

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Dragon Age: Origins

February 25, 2010
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This review contains spoilers. Much like my Mass Effect 2 character, I gave my Dragon Age character a sullen, swarthy appearance and named him after my girlfriend’s cat Alcott. Alcott Aeducan of the clan Aeducan from the dwarven kingdom of Orzammar, if you must know. A lot of hay was made about the fact that [...]

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The Pleasure of Being Robbed

February 23, 2010
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Mild spoilers below. Eleonore Hendricks plays Eléonore, a cute skinny brown haired thief girl who wanders around New York City stealing stuff from people. If you have a purse or a bunch of grapes or a bag full of kittens, she is going to take them from you in a most winsome fashion! Speaking of [...]

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twitter on 2010-02-22

February 22, 2010

Tried to snap two shower curtain rings shut but accidentally crushed them both with my outsized strength. Why do I destroy what I love??!! # I wish I was a space bounty hunter with a cool gun. 'We're going to crash into the parallel positronic moon gate!' 'No we're not.' Lasers. # Drunk lady to [...]

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Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

February 20, 2010
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The book Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs is about an old man who tells his grandchildren the story of Chewandswallow, a town where food falls from the sky three times a day. Mashed potatoes, hamburgers, juice for rain- you get the picture. The cover even has the old man holding out his plate for some sky [...]

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The City & The City

February 17, 2010
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The anthology of Sherlock Holmes short stories written by modern authors I was reading turned out to be so boring (‘Oh Mr. Holmes you are so very very clever how ever did you solve this mystery you pipe smoking genius mwah I’m going to kiss you a thousand times on your plaid hat because this [...]

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twitter on 2010-02-15

February 15, 2010

An apeman looking dude keeps circling the prize car inside the ropes in the center of the mall. # Watching the snow from a mall. # What denomination of bill does a lion carry in his wallet? His Roaring Twenties! Also a lion driver’s license. # Putting the lady’s butt in the “W” of Average [...]

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Moon

February 15, 2010
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Sam Rockwell plays Sam Bell, a contract worker for Lunar Industries living on the moon. He regulates and maintains the Sarang lunar base, which collects and harvests the energy source helium-3 from moon rocks. His only companion is GERTY— an artificial intelligence housed in what looks like a dentist’s x-ray machine with a claw hand. [...]

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Snow Dog

February 12, 2010
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Mass Effect 2

February 10, 2010
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In Mass Effect 2, Commander Shepard’s ship gets cut in half by a laser beam and his body gets fried up in space and he dies a horrible death. THE END. Actually, a shady corporation (Cerberus) puts a considerable amount of resources and money into resurrecting him with needles and fluids and buzzing machines via [...]

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twitter on 2010-02-08

February 8, 2010

1990′s Ben Affleck was constantly visited by fancy goats because they had heard so much about his “goat tea”. # If a Ninja Turtle sees his shadow today, there will be six more weeks of Splinter. # Hungover watching Burn Notice and eating ice cream. Might as well wrap my hair in a towel and [...]

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Doctor Who Season 2

February 8, 2010
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This review contains spoilers. In season two Doctor Who fights the devil inside a big asteroid next to a black hole. The big red monster with horns kind of devil, with the scales and the magma and the rocks for skin and the yowling and grunting and the big iron manacles in a pit of [...]

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The Fortress of Solitude

February 3, 2010
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Jonathan Lethem’s ‘The Fortress of Solitude’ is about two kids in Brooklyn who are given a magic ring by a wino. I know in this day and age you can’t go two steps without some drunk on the street throwing a magic ring at you, but back then it was very rare. Dylan Ebdus and [...]

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twitter on 2010-02-01

February 1, 2010

What if you could stockpile time like money and rappers were like,’Yeah I got those minutes!’ Wearing clocks around their necks..oh wait. # My girlfriend: “Oh hey look at that guy with that little dog.” Me: “That’s a woman.” # When the hell is Breaking Bad coming back? # Amazing New Invention— The Printer Piano: [...]

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