Archive for: April, 2010

Uncertainty

Joseph Gordon-Levitt can’t remember what kind of tea is in his teapot and will go to any length to find out, even murder. Oh wait, that’s “Uncertain Tea”.

Bobby (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and his girlfriend Kate (Lynn Collins) find a phone in a cab. It’s a criminal’s phone! Another criminal is trying to murder them for it. They see a dude get shot. I know how they feel with the phone problems, my unlocked iPhone stopped working with T-mobile’s data plan this weekend.

Hey the willowy love interest from The Wackness (Olivia Thirlby) is in this movie! She’s doing something weird with her eyes, though, whenever she acts excited in a scene. Like her pupils are vibrating?

Yeeeearrrzzzhh. That’s the sound of vibrating eyes. Or a pirate who took a sleeping pill and it just kicked in as he was raising his sword to knock someone off a plank. I bet Steve Jobs would knock my hacked iPhone off a plank with a sword if he could. Maybe he cut my data plan with a magic sword that slices smart-phone Internet plans in half. What a fearsome sword, except it would have been pretty useless in olden times. I initially mistyped that as “Olsen Times”. It was the Golden Age of Mary-Kate and Ashley… (trumpets sound)

Even though they are dressed like they are on their way to an outdoor indie rock show on a lawn, Bobby and Kate have to try and not get murdered instead. Did I mention half this movie is an alternate time-line where they don’t get chased by a shadowy crime lord? I shit you not they go to a family barbecue instead. Like if in The Terminator half the movie showed Sarah Connor eating barbecue chicken in a world where she wasn’t chased by a killer robot from the future.

Speaking of barbecue, what do you think of this idea for a BBQ restaurant logo- a cartoon pig turned slightly to show his butt to the viewer, saying, “Why don’t you take a bite of THIS rump!” I was thinking about logos and branding for BBQ restaurants when I was eating breakfast and I’m pretty sure that’s the one I’d go with.

It’s remarkably similar to a daydream I have about going on a date with Olivia Thirlby and she says, “Why don’t you give me a KISS, chump!”

The Crow

Caw caw caw caw caw caw caw! Caw caw— caw caw caw!

Oh man, I should have marked that NSFC (Not Safe For Crows). This movie came out in 1994, just in time for me to nerd the fuck out over it. What’s that you say, movie adaptation of the graphic novel The Crow? Halloween’s just around the corner?

Why, that’s just in time for my fifteen year old self to borrow his mom’s black fashion boots and a loose fitting black blouse and take to the streets as a circa 1980’s female mime:

You know, my high school’s theater department didn’t do a bad a job with the makeup. Too bad they weren’t able to do it until after school, which meant I walked around school all day in no make-up, black ladies fashion boots and A BLOUSE.

You know, all I had to do was put duct tape on a black leather jacket and I wouldn’t have looked like a Juggalo’s aunt on her way to the Hobby Lobby to get some scrap-booking glue.

This movie’s soundtrack was where it was at back in 1994. Rage Against the Machine, Nine Inch Nails, The Cure— I even made a recording of it on an unmarked blank tape and gave it to my step-dad for his birthday. Here you go, step-dad, hope you weren’t planning on getting appreciated on the only day of the year set aside specifically for people to appreciate you. At least I wasn’t wearing the blouse at the time.

I’ll tell you this much though- it didn’t stop with the soundtrack for me. I had a giant Crow poster (the very same image leading into this review) looking down on me from above my TV so I could be reminded of the movie when I played Super Nintendo.

What you doing there, kid? Trying to beat Final Fantasy II? Well my fiancée was murdered in front of me and I’ve been brought back from the dead to avenge her with grave dust under my fingernails. And I got a magical ass bird helping me do it. Look at me- I got duct tape wrapped around my midsection for some reason. And um…twine I guess?

You know what’s really crazy? I’ve got Final Fantasy on my iPhone now. And it’s one of the least impressive functions that phone can do. The cartridge that game came on was bigger than this phone. Makes me wonder what kind of stuff people of the future are going to take for granted.

Oh those lungs your body needs so badly to process oxygen? Yeah we shrunk those down and put them in bags of Skittles. Taste like lemons. We use those to breathe. In fact, all technology is Skittles based now. Phone calls, television shows- Skittles.

Enduring Love

Damn, everybody reviewing this on Netflix seemed all mad that this movie starts off with a tense action packed hot air balloon rescue attempt and then doesn’t have any more scenes like it for the rest of the movie. If you want a hot air balloon endangering someone’s life in every scene of a movie I suggest you rent UP. Or make some kind of horror movie about a killer hot air balloon. I guess it would be pretty hard for a hot air balloon to sneak up on anybody. It would have to pretend to be the moon or something. The only thing that can take down a killer hot air balloon is the Goodyear Blimp, and it reads, ‘Ice Cube’s a Pimp’.

Daniel Craig plays Joe Rose, a professor who sees an old man and his grandson crash their amazing hot air balloon into a field. You’re not going to win that race around the world in 80 days flying like that, old-timer! Joe and some other men try to save the kid and one of the men hangs on to the rope for too long and falls to his death.

Joe feels really guilty about the whole thing and turns into a big drag to be around. Jed (Rhys Ifans), one of the other rescuers from the balloon, falls in love with Joe and thinks Joe is sending him messages from the way he holds his curtains. Nothing says “romance me” like the way someone holds curtains: ooh girl don’t try to front I saw the way you were holding those curtains. So Jed stalks the everloving shit out of Joe and starts calling him Jo-Jo.

Jo-Jo hates his new nickname and can’t be bothered to say a word to his girlfriend when she cooks him a nice dinner. I wouldn’t want to talk to her either, she won’t listen to Jo-Jo when he says I HAVE A STALKER THERE THAT’S HIM SITTING ON THE PLAYGROUND IN THE RAIN WATCHING ME IN THE WINDOW.

Here’s some dating advice: if a stalker starts stalking your boyfriend and calling him Jo-Jo Jiminy Ding Dang (Jo-Jo for short) you might want to get a Kevlar vest to go with your breakfast robe. Wait. What the hell’s a breakfast robe? Did I just invent an amazing new article of clothing? I’m afraid to google it for fear someone else has thought of it. I picture eggs and bacon stitched on the pockets.

SPOILER ALERT: Jed stabs Joe’s girlfriend and the only way Joe can get him to drop the knife is if he kisses that creepy ass dude full on the lips. I would have thrown a drawer full of silverware at him, but I guess kissing on the lips is an accepted form of negotiation in a tense stand-off. Damn I guess I just tipped off would be burglars that my go-to burglar stopping tool is a drawer of silver flung at their black masks or bags of stolen valuables. Looks like it’s smooches after all, night prowler. Get ready to be kissed by the best.

The Dark Crystal

Jen has a lady’s haircut and pointy ears. He is a Gelfling. He was raised by the Mystics, these four armed wise men in robes. They pour sand on top of other sand so you know they are really wise and in touch with sand.

The boss of the Mystics tells Jen he has to go heal the Dark Crystal by getting a shard from Aughra, a hideous lady who keeps popping her eyeball out to look at things.

Lady, how much better a view is your stumpy little arm’s reach giving you? Wikipedia refers to her as “a scholar of an unknown race”. No shit, with that wrinkly face, giant ass and the horns on her head.

Shame she isn’t one of those sexy devil ladies with the giant asses and horns on the head. Then she could be on a rockabilly guy’s Zippo lighter or a sticker on an upright bass. Oooh or a tattoo on a punk girl’s boobs throwing dice at her nipples or something.

Jen encounters another Gelfling with the exact same haircut. Her name is Kira and she has a pet monster named Fizzgig but it sounds like Bisquick. Nobody has any pancakes though.

The other day I saw a commercial where a lady was singing about how she’ll “never walk away” from pancakes. That’s the saddest thing I ever heard. You make that kind of a promise to a handsome man, lady, not a stack of fried batter. I hope her house never catches fire when there’s a stack of pancakes inside.

Jen and Kira ride some rabbits with a condition I like to call “crazy legs” across a fantasy world to a giant castle where these vultures in robes live.

The vultures are called Skeksis. They like to hang out around a giant crystal over a fire pit. I like to hang out around fire pits, too. They don’t barbecue or drink beer, though. They use the crystal to make little slaves out of creatures called Podlings. They don’t even throw a Frisbee around or play badminton. Your fire pit party sucks, Skeksis!

Jen jumps on the Dark Crystal and jams his smaller crystal into the big crystal and heals the crystal. Then “two become one” and the Skeksis and Mystics merge into a bunch of holy sea monkeys. That’s not how sex works!

The sea monkeys are like THANKS LATER and ride off into the sky on a magic ball of light, leaving Jen and Kira in a big empty castle with no money or food or compensation of any kind. Except the giant crystal, I guess.

Hey what do you want to do with this giant crystal? Maybe it’s rock candy. Nope it’s just crystal. Does anyone know a fifty foot tall divorced lady who just got into yoga? She can hang it on a leather strap around her neck.

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call: New Orleans

Terrence McDonagh (Nicolas Cage) is trying to catch New Orleans drug lord Big Fate (Xzibit) but it’s taking him FOREVER because he keeps taking cocaine breaks with his prostitute girlfriend. If I was looking for Xzibit I’d follow the trail of pimped out rides. Man, Lt. McDonagh sure does like gambling, drugs and whores. I guess that’s where the “bad” in bad lieutenant comes in. He seems pretty good at his actual job, though. So it’s a spiritual badness.

Hey look at those implausibly attractive back alley prostitutes Nicolas Cage is shining a spotlight on! If I was a hooker and Nic Cage shined a bright light on me I’d shoo him away with a broom. Go on GIT Nicolas Cage!

Big Fate has a shotgun mounted under his desk and he points it at Lt. McDonagh but McDonagh easily spots the shotgun barrels poking out of the desk and moves out of the way. Well there’s your problem. You’re not some toothless old mountain woman trying to get the tax man out of your moonshine bucket, you’re trying to kill a policeman with a hidden shotgun.

If I was a New Orleans drug lord, I’d keep an alligator hidden in my desk. Then when I wanted to surprise someone there’d be a spring loaded platform that sent the gator flying at the target with his mouth all wide and toothy and ready to bite. While I was at it, I’d have a big brass band in my desk, too, and they’d come marching out behind the alligator playing “When the Saints Go Marching In”. Then the alligator would lead a parade down Bourbon Street in a weathered straw hat and a dusty old suit. You think if an alligator wore a suit it would be in poor taste to wear alligator skin boots to go with it?

I guess I’d need a pretty big desk for all that. Maybe a network of tunnels underneath the desk for the brass band and the alligator to live in? With the living expenses for the band and the tailor for the alligator’s suit, those costs would really add up. Not to mention the guy I’d have to pay to keep the gator from biting the tailor and the guys in the band. I bet I could find a tailor in New Orleans who plays the trumpet. Come to think of it, I bet I could find an alligator in New Orleans who plays the trumpet.

So it’s settled. I’m keeping an alligator in my desk and if Nicolas Cage ever comes around looking to take me to jail I’ll push a button and the alligator will jump out and play the trumpet at him.

Go on GIT Nicolas Cage!

Wonder Boys

Grady Tripp (Michael Douglas) is a professor who likes to sleep with married women and get high. He’s also a critically acclaimed novelist.

Katie Holmes plays a beautiful young student who wants to crawl all over his Grapes of Wrath because he once wrote a brilliant book. I wonder where the line is drawn for literary groupies. Could a mossy skeleton from a shipwreck at the bottom of the ocean get a girlfriend if he published a prize winning book?

“The Hip Bone’s Connected to the Heart Bone” is what he’d call it. By Skully Skeleton. Once you’re a skeleton you have to take a name that describes what you are, even if you’re a famous author.

Tripp’s editor Terry Crabtree (Robert Downey Jr.) shows up in town looking for another book from Grady because he’s about to get fired. He ends up getting a writer boner for Grady’s protégé James Leer (Tobey Maguire).

Downey Jr. & Maguire were later cast in superhero movies as Iron Man and Spiderman, respectively. There’s a joke there, right? Something about showing him his “Iron Man”, maybe? Spidey-sense? I have literally nothing.  Skully Skeleton would know a good double entendre. Something about his “bone”, I bet. I wish he was here right now, waving his seaweed wrapped sword around.

Grady Tripp should have wrapped his sword in seaweed before having sex with his university’s chancellor Sara Gaskell, because now she’s pregnant. Oh yeah and the book he’s been working on is two thousand pages long and he can’t stop compulsively writing! Reminds me of the time Skully Skeleton was cursed by a mermaid editor who hit him with a magic pen and he couldn’t stop writing, either. He had to swim into the molten belly of a fire whale to break the curse. He ended up marrying that mermaid.

This is one of the best movies I ever saw. I wish I was a college professor, driving around smoking weed hanging out with Robert Downey Jr.. One time on a dating website in the ABOUT ME section I wrote “I’m Grady Tripp” in a misguided attempt to woo the Wonder-Boys-is-my-favorite-movie-too demographic of the online dating community.

The last time Skully Skeleton went on an online date, the next day he’d aged seventy years (which was OK because he’s a skeleton) and fathered twenty babies with a Polynesian belly dancer.

BioShock 2

In BioShock 2 you play a Big Daddy, a genetically altered man in an atmospheric diving suit. You have a drill instead of a hand and the other hand is for shooting flames or ice or hypnotic hearts out of, like Hello Kitty.

You’re in the ruins of the underwater city of Rapture, which was built by a man who was sick of the guv’ment taxing his mule or something so he took his donkey to the bottom of the ocean.

While he was at it he gave unlicensed genetic superhuman technology to the general population of his undersea city. Surprisingly his plan to turn everyone into the human torch and cut them off from the rest of society went awry and even the mule swam away.

Now everyone in Rapture who isn’t dead or barricaded in a locked room with an old-timey radio is a Splicer. Splicers are de-evolved Rapture citizens with terrible powers, machine guns and three three THREE sets of serrated blades to splice chop and marinate your meats and vegetables.

Just like in the first game, everything is all seawater and Ayn Rand. Man I bet she never saw a game like this coming.

I’m Ayn Rand I’m going to be a jerk and write a book about patting yourself on the back if you think you’re great. Don’t make a video game criticizing my dumb philosophy because all they got up here in the clouds is Xbox 360s and harps and I don’t wanna play the harp!

Then she cries black and white animated tears like Betty Boop. And a little cartoon dog in pants plays her halo like a xylophone.

As a Big Daddy your mission was to protect Little Sisters, orphans physically altered so their stomachs can process harvested genetic material from corpses, like a bachelor eating chicken wings he found under his couch, or a dog who tried to swallow a copy of Atlas Shrugged. Don’t worry, doggie— even if you had a degree in philosophy you’d find it hard to swallow.

As New Orleans rapper Juvenile once opined, “Call me Big Daddy when you back that ass up,” and in this case “that ass” is the cognitive reasoning function that has been restored to your character.

Now your Big Daddy can choose whether he wants to save Little Sisters or harvest them for ADAM, which you can use to buy more powers to kill splicers with.

I found two splicers slow dancing next to a jukebox. It looked really romantic. So I threw a hypnosis heart bomb at the dude and he started trying to murder his dance partner. She threw some fireballs, but he killed her in the end. Take that, true love!

I stayed awake until four in the morning so I could beat this game. The last time I stayed up that late to play a video game, I was twelve years old playing Ecco the Dolphin on Sega Genesis at my friend Jacob’s house. We had been up for 48 hours already due to an especially exciting trip to Six Flags.

I guess sleep deprivation overcame me at that moment because I watched that dolphin swim around on screen for a minute, then turned to Jacob and said, “You know what? You’re a little bitch.”

Then I went to sleep. Zzzzzz.

The Informant!

I actually published a review of The Informant! this morning, re-read it, realized it sucked and took it down. Here’s a paragraph from that review:

Scott Bakula plays one of the FBI agents. If I ever made a sequel to Dracula I’d call it “Welcome Backula, Dracula” and cast Scott Bakula as Dracula. Enjoy it at home with a snackula.

and here’s another:

A lot of comedians play serious roles as law enforcement officers in this movie, including Paul F Tompkins and Patton Oswalt. The other night I had a dream I went to a wooden cabin where Patton Oswalt lived. We were standing on his front porch, looking at approaching thunderclouds. He said, “There’s a storm coming.” Then I woke up. Thanks for the waking sensation of nameless dread, Ratatouille.

First of all, I twittered that Scott Bakula joke months ago. It was much funnier on its own, without the “snackula” line. What the hell is a snackula?

Second of all, that WAS a pretty crazy dream. Patton Oswalt had a beautiful wife in the dream and she was nice to me and the grass was moving around all spookily in the wind under the approaching storm.

The Informant! is based on a true story and NPR did a fascinating This American Life episode on the same series of events. Matt Damon plumped up like a sausage in a sensible trench coat to play the lead role of the world’s worst FBI informant. Maybe he ate a lot of snackulas to gain weight.

Anyway, that’s about as good as it’s going to get for this review. Sometimes you get a plate of Jello shots, sometimes you get a bag of Jello powder poured directly into a bottle of vodka.

Why am I making Jello shot metaphors? Because I love sugary treats that get you drunk. I went to Medieval Times last weekend and drank a Daiquiri that costs ten whole dollars!

Then I got a brain freeze while I was looking at a suit of armor.

Good Hair

Thanks to Chris Rock’s movie about black ladies’ hair, I know more about weaves than I ever dreamed I could. I almost feel qualified to start my own weave business. What do you say, ladies- ready to come get your weave put in by me, an enthusiastic young man who just saw a movie about it?

As it turns out, weaves are crazy expensive. They are like the iPads of the black hair world. They should put wifi and web browsing capabilities into hair. If you have an email, your bangs glow blue, if you have a facebook friend request you can tug on your ponytail and your hair says the person’s name.

If you want to tweet you can just say, “Hair, I want to tweet” then say your tweet out loud. I feel like the Steve Jobs of fake hair.

When I was in high school I had long straight hair down to my shoulders. Girls told me I looked like Atreyu from The NeverEnding Story from the back. Well, with my iHair invention you can WATCH The NeverEnding Story from the back of my head. Strange girls would come up behind me and run their fingers through my silky hair, especially in the arcade. Damn, girl I’m trying to play Street Fighter II!

Then I cut off all my hair and said hello to my great aunt in the mall and she didn’t recognize me. She was so startled she damn near called the cops on me. I kept saying, “It’s me! It’s me!” Guess in retrospect that’s the kind of thing a crazy person would say if they were about to drag you to their van in the mall parking lot.

Nobody ever touches my head anymore.

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Too bad this isn’t about the fantastic Mr. Michael J. Fox and his work in the incomparable Back to the Future trilogy. You know that scene in Back to the Future Part III where Christopher Lloyd is in the old west saloon telling everyone about the future and he says, “Of course we run. But for recreation. For fun” and then the incredulous cowboy says in his grizzled cowboy voice, “Run for fun? What the hell kind of fun is that?!!” I hear that scene played in my head every time I think about maybe taking up running. If you ever see me jogging around my neighborhood in shorts and a t-shirt you’ll know that character actor’s cowboy voice is replaying itself in my head over and over. “Run for fun? What the hell kind of fun is that?!! Run for fun? What the hell kind of fun is that?!! Run for fun? What the hell kind of fun is that?!!”

George Clooney, you old fox!! Clooney’s Mr. Fox says, “I’m a wild animal! I wish I was stealing instead of writing this dumb newspaper column nobody reads!” I know how you feel, newspaper-column-writing fox. Nobody reads this website either. All I need now is a red bushy tail and the voice of an aging sex symbol. Hey Ethan Hawke what are you doing with your vocal cords right now?

I had a little bit of a crush on Mr. Fox’s wife Felicity because she paints thunderstorms. Does that make me a furry? I think I’d have a crush on a regular lady that painted thunderstorms, too.

Hope you like orange and brown because Wes Anderson directed this movie. He might as well start shooting everything through a professor’s tweed coat. The professor would have to be estranged from his son, though. And smoke hand rolled cigarettes. And live in an old house with vintage wallpaper in the style of the 1970’s. Eight-track tapes!! I bet if a wizard turned Wes Anderson into an autumn leaf and tucked him into a vinyl record sleeve he wouldn’t be mad about it.

Except the wizard wouldn’t be a real wizard, he’d be a troubled young man on a faded lime green bike. “I just turned you into a leaf,” he’d say matter-of-factly to Wes Anderson. Then he’d pedal off while The Velvet Underground played.

He needs to pedal off to Curtis Mathes to rent this movie on Betamax or whatever old ass technology Anderson’s characters insist on using, because it is really good and uses stop motion animation just like your great-grandfather used to make all that William Howard Taft porno.

The Hangover

Have you seen The Hangover? Have you seen it? Huh? Have you?! So funny. Did you see it? Did you see the movie The Hangover??!! Hilarious!!! Say you know what movie you should see? The Hangover. Oh man we went to the dollar theater and saw The Hangover, have you checked it out yet?

No. No, everyone else in the world. I had not seen The Hangover. Not until just now. Sorry every living breathing specimen of animal, mineral or plant life on the entire planet. I am the only person who hadn’t seen The Hangover until now.

I know the whole thing about the reviews on Scene Missing is that I review things as I get around to them, but even I feel late to the game on this one. Want a review of the movie The Hangover? Here you go: baby, tiger, Mike Tyson, Las Vegas, sun poisoning and Zach Galifianakis in his tighty whities. Oh and Ed Helms’s missing tooth. Now when your grandma asks you about this movie you can talk about it with confidence. Hmmm, looks like all that stuff is in the poster for the movie so your granny might call bull-hockey on that one.

Did you see that French Bulldog puppy Mike Tyson was holding? You ever seen that youtube video with the French Bulldog puppy rolling around because he can’t get off his back? You know who else can’t get off their back? Your momma.

That’s right, the whole internet’s momma can’t get off her back. She’d have to turn a lot of tricks to afford a French Bulldog puppy. Those things are expensive.

Oh right, the movie. It was really funny.

Doctor Who Season 4

This review contains spoilers.

In Season 4 a skeleton in a space suit fights Doctor Who in the universe’s biggest library. Last time I had a run-in with a skeleton in a library it was inside a librarian’s body and she was shushing me. Good thing for Doctor Who skeletons don’t have ears. Though I do like the idea of ears of bone. Very lyrical, almost. ‘You can’t hear me on the phone/with those ivory ears of bone/I’m calling about an ice cream cone’. That song needs work, I think.

Later in the season Doctor Who shoots a laser into a giant robot’s mouth from a hot air balloon just to change a woman’s mind. Wish I could win an argument with a laser. I don’t want to eat sushi I want fried chicken tacos! Zip zap Zoop! (Huh- that sounds less like a laser and more like Bill Cosby wants a taco.)

Doctor Who’s new companion Donna is a secretary who got hijacked into the TARDIS on her wedding day. She likes to drink beer and flirt with men. She’s like one pint away from mashing her breasts together and yelling “OOH Have a look then!” She’s clearly the best of all the Doctor Who companions so far.

She and the Doctor go to the planet of the Ood. The Ood are docile slaves to humans and apparently sell like hotcakes, even though they look like bug eyed monstrosities with tentacles for mouths. I’m not saying you have to win a beauty contest to bring a millionaire his filet mignon, but nobody wants to tuck in to a fancy dinner with a wrinkly old sea monster lurking around the table like a weirdo.

Did I mention they go crazy and their eyes turn as red as Lucifer’s beard?

The Doctor frees all the Ood from slavery. He’s like the Harriet Tubman of gross cephalopods. An Ood even sings to him when Doctor Who is flailing around in the snow about to die. Oh great, just what I want to hear as I’m breathing my last. A gray skinned nightmare is singing a tune for me.

Daleks pull off the greatest robbery of all time by stealing a bunch of planets for their reality killing machine, even Earth! Who cares!! I hate every episode that the Daleks are in! I can’t tell you how disappointed I am to see their dumb metal eye cameras or whatever they see with.

Doctor Who gets a human clone of himself and leaves it with his old companion Rose from the first season so they can be in love together and he can fuck off on his adventures. Here you go, that ought to shut you up. Here’s a clone of me to grow old and die with.

Ladies, Doctor Who will do anything to get out of being your boyfriend. Pretty soon he’s going to stuff some straw in a burlap sack, wrap it in a pinstriped suit, stuff it in a blue cardboard box and that’s who you’ll introduce your parents to, a scarecrow Doctor Who in a cardboard TARDIS.

What do you know, the President of the Time Lords pops in for a surprise visit. He wears a robe and a big crazy hat and carries a staff. I guess even though Time Lords wear normal clothes they have to dress up like wizards to hold an office. I had a nerd freak out when I realized his electricity shooting glove was the companion to the glove that brings people back from the dead in Torchwood. And then I realized I was getting excited about fictional gloves. Guess that was his murderin’ glove.

The Time Lords have an evil plan to live outside of time so they decide to destroy time for everyone everywhere. On the plus side, everybody’s Netflix movies would arrive all at once instead of sitting in the queue with the words LONG WAIT next to them.

When the President of the Time Lords shows up on Earth the first thing out of his mouth is, “On your knees humanity!” Ok, but you better take humanity out to Applebee’s later, and humanity gets to order any appetizer it wants.

Doctor Who takes a big blast of radiation to the face (I’ll have the Mozzarella Sticks and the Boneless Buffalo Wings) so that means he’s gotta die and regenerate a whole new face and personality. He goes around for a solid half hour saying goodbye to everybody he knows, solemnly nodding and waving farewell to all his friends. David Tennant was lucky to get such an elaborate sendoff, Christopher Eccleston barely got a boot in the butt on the way out.

Then he regenerates into Matt Smith, a gangly young man with a pleasantly lopsided face and fancy hair. Sorry Matt Smith, didn’t mean to describe you like a forest ogre with a cave full of hair care products. Swatting at wizards with a tree trunk— RARRR Let go of my Herbal Essences!