Archive for: July, 2010

It

The monster in It takes on the form of whatever scares you the most, like the wolfman or the creeping eye or the mummy. Come to think of it, maybe it just takes on the form of whatever scares Shaggy and Scooby-Doo the most. G-g-g-g-ghosts!  I got a Scooby-Doo t-shirt off Threadless and it really gets a lot of attention. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten something that draws the eye to my big fat torso. It’s like hanging a work of art on the side of an out of shape mule.

Tim Curry played It in a 1990 television mini series. They’re always trying to make Tim Curry evil. Dressing him up like a devil or a killer clown or a sweet transvestite. Oh, who should we get to play the goat faced murdering tranny? Tim Curry’s like, “I’ll do it! I brought my own prosthetic goat hooves!” If you ask me Sam Rockwell and his amazing dancing legs would be perfect as Pennywise for a reboot of It.

Steven Weber narrated the audiobook for It. By the end, I felt like Steven Weber and I had gone on a real journey together. I now regret that I am no longer hearing his voice in my headphones all day long. Maybe they should start a service where your favorite audiobook readers call you a couple times a day after the book is over and read your email to you. “This is William Hurt. Fr33 V1agr4 be the horniest chap in the neighborhood satisfy her needs!!!”

If you took out the shapeshifting creature from another dimension that can take on the form of whatever you fear the most in this world, It would still be a great book about a group of friends growing up in a small Maine town. Stephen King has a lot to say about the power of fear versus the power of faith and the value of love, and he’s never said it better than in this long ass book.

Spoiler Alert

I hope they make a new movie version of It and include some of the darker elements. Oh yeah and not to mention when they made the mini series they left out all the stuff about the enormous turtle that vomited the universe into existing.

Maybe when they do the reboot the turtle will have a pair of katanas and a blue face mask. And the whole time this killer clown was really an invention of Shredder that escaped from the Technodrome and the all the characters from It have to team up with Splinter and Leonardo to fight it and I’ll be god damned if I’m not accidentally writing Stephen King/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fan fiction. Well, while I’m at it I might as well make it erotic fan fiction.

Turtle Power!

and there was still time to kill the wizard

Reviews of Movies I Will Never See

Avatar: The Last Airbender

Huh. Everyone says it’s terrible. But it looks great! Look at that dirt flying around! Like an enormous dog burying a giant bone! Maybe it’s the bones of M. Night Shyamalan’s directing career. And water is whooshing up like the very big dog just jumped in the bathtub! Get out of that tub dog now you’re covered in suds! I guess I’m thinking about Marmaduke. Is that a movie?

Marmaduke

Well I guess it is. I wish Marmaduke was an actual Duke, like a foppishly dressed lord of the manor but doing dog stuff and living in a tiny wooden house in the yard because a wizard tricked him. The Duke of Marma. I bet a wizard tricked Owen Wilson into doing this movie. Alakazam, I got your signature, bitch!

Knight and Day

Hey get on my motorcycle I’m Tom Cruise and shooting and grinning like an idiot with my pearly teeth. HAHAHAHAHA I’m crazy for real. Bullets, I guess too! I kill people but I’m a good guy probably! Zoooom.
Maybe in some alternate dimension this movie is about Felicia Day and her best friend a medieval knight who gets punched in the face and then his visor drops down and he stumbles around in his clanky armor and falls in a soapy tub of water. Once at Dragon*Con I mistook Veronica Belmont for Felicia Day and shall regret it until my last breath upon this earth.
I went up to her and said, “Ummm…pardon me for asking but are you Felicia Day?” and she said “Fuuuck!” and even after that she was really nice about the whole thing and super cool and let me take a picture of her holding a drink.

The Karate Kid

You know what would be crazy? If Will Smith kissed Jackie Chan on the lips at the premier of this movie in front of everybody. Not in a romantic way, but like the way that men kissed each other on the lips in the days of the Old West, in order to secretly trade beef jerky or ammunition or little folded up pieces of paper with messages. And then Jackie Chan would pull the paper out and read it and it would say, “Thanks for putting my kid in this movie.” Then Jackie Chan would look down and realize he was sitting in a soapy tub of water on the set of Shanghai Noon with Owen Wilson, and there was still time to kill the wizard.

Party Down | Season Two

Oh, what a surprise. Another awesome beloved cult show has been canceled. I guess the head of programming was too busy inside his refrigerator box fort eating gummy bears and hitting his head with a tree branch over and over to give the show another season. You know what needs to happen is some wealthy playboy needs to make a television network and all it runs are new episodes of canceled shows that have cult followings. Fucking Firefly, Arrested Development, Angel, Party Down, Wonderfalls, Pushing Daisies, The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr., that show about the guy in the Winnebago on the run from his ex-wife with a monkey, Veronica Mars, Dead Like Me, Dollhouse and Andy Richter Controls the Universe. What’s that you say? The actors have all moved on to new shows?

Fill a scarecrow with straw, dress him up like Captain Mal Reynolds, put him on a cardboard spaceship and film that shit. Just for good measure, let’s go down to whatever Quantum Leap convention hotel room Scott Bakula and Dean Stockwell are sharing, bang some pots and pans together until they wake up, kick the naked women out of their bed and make some more episodes of one of the finest time travel shows ever made. Oh really they destroyed the prop you used for Ziggy? Well here’s an iPhone. Now fucking talk to it like it’s in the future. And put on this jumpsuit.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do when I want to see Lizzy Caplan being my idea of a perfect girlfriend (my own perfect girlfriend notwithstanding, of course)? Adam Scott will be fine, he’s on Parks & Recreation now so you know he’ll just get famouser but what about Martin Starr?! Somebody better snatch his awkward ass up for a role in a show that actually pays the bills and doesn’t suck.

My friend Kristina pointed out that it might be Fred Savage’s fault- according to imdb he’s been involved with more than a few canceled shows. So if you ever get into TV, no matter how much you might want his input, don’t let Fred Savage on your project lest you suffer his kiss of death. Also, don’t let him into your house for a regular kiss. Unless you are Winnie Cooper. AND YOU AREN’T.

Anyway, go watch this show on Netflix while you can before it’s not available for instant streaming any more and becomes like the ancient text on the wall of a pharaoh’s pyramid— not available for instant streaming.

Inception

A man named Cobb who steals ideas from inside of dreams takes a job where he has to plant an idea instead. So he hires a crew and builds a three layer dream so he can trick a businessman. But his dream wife shows up and keeps interfering with everything. Not the woman of his dreams, an actual dream manifestation of the woman he was married to.

A woman I dated years ago shows up periodically in my dreams, sometimes. Once, I called out her name while I was sleeping in bed next to another girl I was dating. That didn’t go over well. Fortunately, that kind of thing hasn’t happened with my current girlfriend. Maybe I should yell out the names of every girl I ever dated before I go to sleep to be safe. But let’s be honest, I’d be up for hours doing that. Have to pull out one of those parchment scroll lists like Santa carries.

Speaking of lists, Inception just joined Children of Men and Mass Effect 2 on the list of movies and games I consider science fiction masterpieces. Aka the world’s most effective aphrodisiac. If future generations don’t consider Inception a work of art, then all the idiots of the world must have been the ones to have children and all the smart people must have died or gone off on a rocket to a smart person planet, because Inception is one of the best movies I have ever seen, even considering the porno genre. I guess a porno of Inception would have to be called “Insertion”. And the tagline would be “An idea isn’t the only thing he’ll put inside you.” Don’t steal my porn movie spoof idea, pornographers!

Some goofus with spiky hair sat in front of me when I went to see this in the theater and his hair was so spiky that the spikes actually came up into the lower part of the screen and this movie was so amazing that I didn’t give a shit. I did occasionally entertain the notion of reaching forward to smooth down his hair with my hand, but I think he would have mistaken that as a gesture of tenderness and turned around and punched me in the face before I could say I was just trying to fix his hair. Has that ever prevented a fight? “I’m just trying to fix your hair!”

Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s fight scene floating around in that hallway was incredible. I was leaning forward in my seat with anxiety. I might have held my hand to my face in astonishment. Now I want every fight I ever see to be in zero gravity. Where is my Zero-G fighting arena?! Makes me want to steal a space shuttle and start a fight club in it. Oh yeah and Leonardo DiCaprio’s chase scene in Mombasa where the guy gets hit in the face by a van. Holy shit, right? Me and my friend both went “Ooh!” at the same time.

Spoiler Alert

Just wondering, when Cobb’s team was being attacked by the manifestations of Cillian Murphy’s subconscious, why didn’t they dream up better weapons to fight with? They were already found out, so why not go full on Harry Potter and make lightning shoot out of their hands? Brrrzzapp Pew Pew! Guess that’s why Christopher Nolan isn’t blowing up my phone asking for screenwriting help.

When Leonardo DiCaprio spins the top in the final scene of the movie and it wobbled and cut to black everyone in the theater audibly gasped. Like a fancy woman at the opera who just heard overheard a joke about a lady’s bustier.

Chloe

Chloe starts off with the high-end-prostitute-title-character putting on sexy clothes and talking about what it means to be sexy so you know this movie is going to be full of sexy sex. You know, I’m not entirely sure that she’s actually high end, but the way large denomination bills are getting thrown around and checks are getting written in stylish tasteful offices I’m guessing she makes more than your run of the mill street prostitute.

Then rich gynecologist Catherine throws her husband David a surprise birthday party but he doesn’t show up for it. So she decides he’s cheating and hires Chloe to see if he’ll try to have sex with her. Brilliant plan, lady. Gee do you think my husband will be interested in this gorgeous young woman who asks him for sugar for her coffee and then sits there and stares at him while she pours sugar into her cup while staring suggestively into his eyes à la the Def Leppard song “Pour Some Sugar On Me”? Even the sugar was like, “I know I was meant for coffee but pour me down your shirt instead!”

Catherine starts paying Chloe to sleep with her husband because it turns her on. David gets freaky with Chloe and makes distinguished Liam Neeson sex faces. Ooh yeah I’m Liam Neeson and I’m very distinguished even with Amanda Seyfried’s hands down my pants. Liam Neeson could probably bestow knighthood on Patrick Stewart with his distinguished penis and Captain Picard would just bow and say, “Make it so, number one.”

Then Chloe seduces Catherine for some hot R rated action. Take that PG-13! You have to be 17 to see this shit. Or have access to the internet. What’s the point of having a ratings system nowadays? Well kids, you can either go all the way down to the theater and be turned away at the door or stay in your house and see all the nudity you want. Well, which is it?! Hurry up I don’t have all day! I guess that’s the ticket booth guy talking.

Spoiler Alert

Damn, Chloe went from charming prostitute to obsessive stalker pretty quick. Like five minutes after they had sex Chloe is all up in Catherine’s office causing some crazy shit. Then she’s seducing Catherine’s teenage son and having orgasms looking at Catherine’s shoes and coats. Yeah high heels! So great! If you asked me Chloe had a much cooler coat than Catherine.

I thought the acting in Chloe was really good. The only thing I didn’t understand is, at the beginning of the movie Chloe was going on and on about what a great prostitute she is because she knows exactly the right thing to say and the right way to act to make people fall in love with her and feel good.

So when she fell in stalker love with Catherine why didn’t she just keep up the act instead of going all nuts and acting like a lunatic? I mean, if you’re a master of manipulation and seduction why not just keep doing what you’re doing until you get what you want? I’m not trying to give out stalker tips or anything but seems to me one way to get someone to love you is not hold a hairpin to their neck.

Then again, what if that is the one thing I don’t know about love, like the equivalent of the Konami code for making someone instantly love you? Oh how did you two meet? Well I wasn’t that into her but then she stabbed me with a hairpin and here I am pushing this baby carriage. Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Stab!

He Don’t Dance Like Carlton (Mass Effect 2)

He Don’t Dance Like Carlton (Mass Effect 2)

An evaluation of my second playthrough of Mass Effect 2, which I first reviewed in February.

I played Mass Effect 2 as a woman this time. This lady Commander Shepard is very dear to my heart. She was the Mass Effect character I created after I got burglarized and my first Xbox 360 was stolen. Burns me up thinking of my very first Commander Shepard out there in some thief’s house, never to continue his adventures. He looked like Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and had a scar over his eye. He didn’t dance like Carlton, though. What if one day the police call me and say hey we know it’s been three years but we found your stolen Xbox and now you can play your Carlton look-alike Mass Effect guy in Mass Effect 2. I don’t know why the police would be so interested in me finishing a ME campaign, but I salute their enthusiasm. What a silly dreamer I am.

Speaking of silly dreams- I kid you not last night I had a dream about a giant muscular kangaroo, at least thirty feet tall, wearing red trunks and red boxing gloves punching car hoods in the middle of the interstate. Next thing you know, I’m trying to convince Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg to get on a ferris wheel. Dr. Dre was like, “You said we wouldn’t go higher than thirty feet!”

Commander Veronica Shepard (I was watching Veronica Mars at the time and had a wee bit of a crush on Kristen Bell) had a sassy short haircut, full kissable lips and a dark complexion. I had her involved in a romance with Thane the amphibian-spiritual-Buddhist-sort-of-human-assassin but then he got all gushy with the feelings talk so at the end of the game I kept putting him in charge of stuff where I was pretty sure he would get killed off for good. Is that how you girls do it? If I was a woman and some guy started all that flowery nonsense I might be tempted to put him in front a geth bullet, too. Thane took a shot right in the gut and died honorably without ever finding out how much I was rolling my eyes at his fussy little declarations of love.

Then not five seconds after getting back on the Normandy I had my ship’s yeoman Kelly Chambers doing a strip tease for me in my captain’s chambers. Now that’s how you grieve! I really like that this game gives you the option to have a lady strip for your lady captain before your boyfriend’s body was even cold. Or warm. I don’t know how it works with lizard/fish dudes.

This time I took the thief Kasumi with me on a lot of missions because I paid Microsoft a bunch of Microsoft bucks to have her as a downloadable character. For as much as I paid for her teleporting ass, she needs to be the one stripping in my captain’s chambers. Also, I tried to make sure that the crazy-bionic-bald-headed-tattooed girl Jack survived to the end of the game because my other Commander Shepard played with her heart and hurt her feelings then she took the bullet to the gut that was clearly meant for Thane. So by this logic, I’m trying to make it up to an imaginary video game character for past injustices. Oh hey Xbox 360 game character, I know you are made of pixels and aren’t real and all but I’m so obsessed with this story that I feel a strange obligation to see you safely to the end of the game this time around.  See, this is how cosplay gets started. Not sexy cosplay either, like fatty in a Stormtrooper outfit eating a Philly cheesesteak sandwich sitting on a box of comic books at a convention cosplay.

At the end of the game I blew up the Collector base ship and pissed off the The Illusive Man, aka Martin Sheen’s voice and face with some weird glowing eye circles, so we’ll see how that goes whenever Mass Effect 3 comes out. Guess I’ll just kill the next year or whatever doing dumb non-Mass Effect related activities like spending time with loved ones or sustaining my body with food and oxygen. I suppose I could start trying to breed that super kangaroo I dreamed about. Anybody got a pair of enormous kangaroo boxing shorts and a working knowledge of kangaroo genetics? Not so fast, Dr. Dre! That’s not what your doctorate is in! You’re just trying to get off that Ferris wheel.

Zombieland

Columbus is a skinny virgin with a nervous stomach and a shotgun. Tallahassee is heavily armed and has a cowboy hat. They team up to look for Twinkies and fight zombies. Hot girl con artist Wichita and her sister Little Rock trick them out of their guns in a grocery store but then they all decide to fight zombies together.

I went to a zombie prom last year at Dragon*Con but there wasn’t much dancing going on. Lot of people dressed as zombies, though. I kept thinking about what it would be like if a real zombie got loose at an event where people were already dressed as zombies. I think you’d have to just set a curtain on fire and lock the door. Man, you better hope I don’t ever come to a zombie prom and mistake someone for a real zombie because apparently I will burn it to the ground without a moment’s hesitation.

In the movie, electricity was still running in spite of the zombies. Does the power grid go on auto-pilot if left unattended? In the event of a zombie outbreak, I always pictured a blood spattered electric company helmet hanging askew on a computer monitor blinking red warnings: SHUT-DOWN IMMINENT, that sort of thing. Maybe the electricity stays on for years. Also, what happens to the internet? If it does stay up, I bet survivors would spend a lot of time looking at porn. But then you’d be looking at porn of someone who is probably a zombie now. Well, that ruins the mood. You know what would be crazy? If you got on Chatroulette and every third webcam was a zombie because nobody bothered to turn off their computer before they caught the virus. That would be an improvement to what you see on every third webcam now on Chatroulette.

Zombieland is a really good movie. The slow motion zombie chase scenes, glass flying around everywhere, zombies on fire, playful use of typography. Playful use of typography? Good lord am I writing a review for Fussy Little Critic Monthly?! It’s a very popular magazine. It comes wrapped in a lace doily, the paper is made of compressed bee whiskers and every issue is hand crafted by a fair maiden who thinks only of her true love’s kiss.

Anyway, when I went to see this movie in an Atlanta theater some guy in the back row kept talking on his cell phone. At one point he was actually giving someone directions to someplace else other than the theater. When there was an onscreen kiss the dude in the back yelled, “ONLY IN THE MOVIES!!!” Yes, exactly. That’s where we were. THE MOVIES. Not the headquarters of Google maps.Maybe he got confused because there were nerds there to see Zombieland. Oh shit look at those dorks, this must be Google. When I watched Zombieland again last night, I kept wondering what I was missing and then realized no one was ruining it for me so I yelled, “ONLY IN MY APARTMENT” for old times sake.

Spoiler Alert

Wichita and Little Rock leave Tallahassee and Columbus (and Bill Murray’s mansion) behind to go to an amusement park because they heard there were no zombies in it. They get there in the middle of the night and turn on all the lights and get on the rides. Why would they just throw all caution to the wind like that? They just got done surviving a zombie outbreak, why would they think the loudest brightest place in town was the best spot for a zombie free experience?

Far be it from me to judge, though- I love Six Flags and White Water even though nobody will go with me anymore. I’d probably go in the middle of a zombie uprising, too. Get chased around by that old man from the Six Flags commercials. Dude in a Bugs Bunny suit with blood on his fur. Damn, now I’m scaring myself. And White Water would be even worse, with the clutching rotting hands of the dead rising up from the lazy river. I would still get on at least one water slide. The Tornado, probably. That’s a slide shaped like a giant megaphone and you have to climb all these flights of stairs to get to the top. I bet you’d have to fight all kinds of zombies in your swim trunks to get up there.

Damn, it’s hot this summer. I might fight some living non-zombie people to get to the top of that thing. Who wants to go to White Water?