Archive for: October, 2010

Batman: Under the Red Hood

In Batman: Under the Red Hood, Batman tinkers around with the engine of his torch-red 67 Ford Mustang for an hour and a half. He’s very proud of it. Alfred says, “Batman you need to get out from under the red hood of that thing and go fight crime” and Batman says, “Shut up and bring me a lemonade and some screwdrivers.” I guess Batman fixes engines with screwdrivers. Sonic screwdrivers, maybe. Damn, I’d love to see a Batman/Doctor Who crossover. Like the TARDIS crashes into the bat-cave. And Batman says, “You got any lemonade in that thing?”

So this movie starts off with Robin’s death. The Joker hits him with a crowbar and then explodes him with bombs. When Dixie Carter died earlier this year, I intended to say to my girlfriend, “Oh no, Dixie Carter passed away. She was 70 years old.” But instead I said in a thick southern accent, “Man, that Dixie Carter, she 70, she dead.” I have no idea why I turned into Cajun chef Justin Wilson, but there you have it. Anyway, that Robin, he 19, he dead.

Five years later, a vigilante in a red hood shows up and starts intimidating Gotham City’s crime bosses. “Hey crime bosses, give me your crime earnings! I have a bunch of your friends’ heads in a duffel bag. Just like Joe Pesci in 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag.” No joke, one time I got so distracted listening to a commercial for 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag on the radio while I was driving that I ran a red light and nearly T-boned a car. That would have been a really dumb way to die. Oh, welcome to heaven. How did you die? I got excited for a movie about Joe Pesci and heads in duffel bags.

Then a crime boss with a black skeleton face named Black Mask gets mad and tries to kill the Red Hood. He looks like Skeletor would if he tried to smoke a novelty exploding cigar. Prince Adam is like, “Skeletor, congratulations on getting the other half of the power sword, have a cigar. Just kidding, yo- it’s a plastic sword, dummy! You need to wake up pretty early in your bed made of bones to trick me! Now I’m off to buy more magenta vests and purple leggings so I can star in a La Roux video.” [cigar explodes in Skeletor’s face]

Spoiler Alert

Batman starts to suspect the Red Hood might be Robin back from the dead. That’s a hell of a leap, detective. Even though there are millions of living people out there in the world, I bet this masked man is my dead ex-best friend that I buried myself and held his dead exploded body in my arms. So he runs the DNA and guess what- he’s right! Zombie Robin is back from the dead kicking it new school with a fashionable red helmet.

Turns out Ra’s al Ghul threw Robin in a pool of water that brings people back to life. And switched out Robin’s body with a latex dummy for the coffin, apparently. So Batman is a good enough detective to figure out that this new villain is his dead best friend, but not a good enough detective to notice that he was burying a real doll instead of a human body.

Anyway, there’s a lot of death and hard choices going on in Batman: Under the Red Hood. I love watching movies where Batman has to make hard choices. If there was a movie called Batman: Hard Choices, I’d definitely go see it in the theater. Unless it was one of those porn spoof movies where they make porn of popular characters and shows. I am not going to a porno theater to see a second-rate Batman have sex with a third-rate Catwoman. Never again, Adam West!

TiMER

Emma Caulfield plays an orthodontist named Oona. More like ortho-hotness! I guess anyone who practices ortho-hotness isn’t recognized by the American Dental Association. Speaking of hotness in a professional setting, I heard they were making a hair cut place where women cut your hair topless. I’m sorry, but can’t you wait the twenty minutes or whatever getting your hair cut to see a topless woman? I’m sure you can run as fast as your legs can carry you to an internet connection after your haircut is over.

TiMER is about a world where people get little timers put in their wrists and they count down to when you meet your soul-mate. Damn it, lady scientists- keep your romance novels out of the lab and inventions like this won’t happen! So the TiMERs go in your wrist and if your soul-mate has one too it starts counting down to when you meet them and when you make eye contact with them it goes beep beep beep. You know what I’d rather have? A parrot that knows when you’re going to meet your soul-mate. You keep the parrot on your shoulder at all times and if someone else has a soul-mate parrot, your parrot starts quietly squawking to itself and bobbing its head. Then when you make eye contact with your soul-mate it digs its claws into your shoulder and starts frantically flapping its wings and screeching, “SOUL-MATE!! SOUL-MATE!! SOUL-MATE!! SQUAAAWWWKKKKK!!!”

Oona starts dating this 22 year old grocery clerk even though she just turned 30 and her TiMER says he isn’t her soul-mate. To use the vernacular of the common man, it seems the first half of her strategy is to “hit it”, followed by an implied intention to “quit it”. But like a lady scientist installing an emotion simulator AI into a handsome robot’s heart chip, love gets in the way. Plus her sister is all, “I’m tough and cool and promiscuous but I met a dreamy guy who might turn it all around for me”. So you get to see how that works out for everybody. I’m sure having chips in their wrists telling them the exact moment they meet their true love won’t over-complicate things.

I like how they made the store where you get the TiMER look like the Apple Store. I’ll tell you this much, I hate the Atlanta Apple Store. You might have precious gilded thrones upon which you lay your money which is flown by lovely swans into a swirling banner of silk ribbons at your Apple Store in your city, but the one here in Atlanta is claustrophobic and packed with filthy-fingered customers putting their greasy prints all over everything. Don’t touch, people of the mall! These touchscreen things are not for touching! They are for admiring and wishing on. Most people don’t know if you throw a coin into an iPhone you get seven wishes, but you have to wish for Apps from the iTunes App store. And by throw a coin into, I mean provide credit card info.

I really enjoyed this movie and it’s on Netflix Instant Streaming right now, so have at it! Or if the people who decided how the title of this movie should be capitalized had their way, “NeTFLIX InSTANT StREAMING”.

Mad Men | Season 4

This review contains spoilers.

I hated the first few episodes of this season. I was even thinking of giving up on it. But then they showed a really good episode followed by even better episodes until it turned out to be the best of all the Mad Men seasons. It was like they were trying to weed out the real Mad Men fans to see who’d stick with it, like hiding a gingerbread house inside of a boring old regular house.

I guess that only works if you’re a witch and you’re trying to lure children into your sugar house. You know what was crazy in the story of Hansel and Gretel? The whole house is made of candy, but the witch’s stove is regular cast iron. If you already have the ability to make a candy house why not accent your candy home with candy furnishings? You have to keep your style consistent or your house will seem Nouveau-candy-riche.

Mad Men’s turn from boring to awesome was like if you went to see a lecture on maintaining strict tomato farming guidelines (Stay True… to Tomatoes!) and then when people got bored and started to leave William Shatner came out and said, guess what- this is actually a cosplay burlesque show, I’m going to sing cover songs and the whiskey is free all night long! Isn’t that right Lionel Richie? Cue Dancing on the Ceiling.

I loved so many things about this season. Don wrote in his precious diary so much you’d think he just got into the Baby-Sitters Club. Yeah, self-reflective Don Draper! I can barely swim across this pool, should I quit drinking? Probably, Don Draper. Looked like a nice pool, though. Sir, you can’t float there motionless at the bottom of this pool, we have a strict no-visual-metaphor policy.

And then Lane Pryce gets punched in the face because of interracial dating a Playboy bunny. By his old British father, no less. Hope the old man doesn’t live long enough to see Save the Last Dance. Then Lane makes Joan a sea captain or head of operations or something. Then the internet makes a GIF of Joan’s bottom. They should add two more frames to that GIF of Sir Mix-a-Lot’s head exploding.  And then a few frames of Bell Biv Devoe not trusting her. I guess she’s about to have Roger Sterling’s baby and act like it’s her husband’s. Does everyone on this show have a secret baby or a secret about a baby?

Oh, and Peggy gets licked on the face by her lesbian arty friend. Tastes like determination to succeed in advertising, I bet. Or not telling anyone in the office about her secret baby. I like that her and Don are best of friends now, enough to throw up in the bathroom together and fall asleep drunkenly on the couch together and oops wait a minute Don just married his secretary Megan never mind friendship DOWNGRADED.

Megan is so cute, speaking French and going on vacation with Don and stuff, going to be a shame when she gets Don Draper-ed next season, you can already see him planning it in the final shot of the last episode. Don looking out the window thinking, man I can’t wait to do some 1960’s style philandering on my French speaking secretary wife in the next season of Mad Men. Maybe I’ll get her pregnant with a secret baby.

Also, I like how Don’s daughter Sally got all this extra story and attention this year but Don’s son Bobby is still doing the acting equivalent of putting a pot on your head and banging it with a spoon. They had whole episodes about Sally going to therapy and making friends with a weird neighborhood kid and then they give Bobby five seconds of screen time so he can say, “I like spaghetti!” You sure do, kid. You sure, do.

The Blind Side

Sandra Bullock seems all normal at the beginning of the move. Then she turns around to show her profile and she’s wearing a pair of dark glasses, waving a cane and holding a seeing eye dog. That’s her blind side. People are always sneaking up on her from that direction. Dude stole her purse and everything.

Man, I was sitting down to write the review for The Blind Side and I made coffee in the office and then I came back and it was all gone. I think the other people in the office must have little tiny people living in their shirt pockets that drink coffee, too. Waving little thimbles around. More coffee! More coffee! I hate you little coffee gnomes.

I didn’t think I was going to like The Blind Side but turns out I liked it a lot. Michael Oher is walking around in the rain with one ragged polo shirt and nowhere to sleep and Sandra Bullock says get in my car. Then in an amazing turn of events, not only is he a gentle soul who is pure of heart, but she and her family are all really good people and aside from a couple of minor misgivings they all get along famously, eating delicious dinners in their lavish home. Also, he’s phenomenally talented at football. So they adopt him and he gets courted by old football coaches. Play on our team, enormous young man! I will give you riches, baubles, rubies, golden idols. Well, I guess they aren’t trying to recruit Aladdin to their flying carpet league. But they really tried to win him over. And then football happens.

Kathy Bates apologizes for being a Democrat and Sandra Bullock’s husband says, “Who’d have thought we’d have a black son before we knew a Democrat?” My stars, the South will rise again with saucy Republican dialogue like that! Robert E. Lee just jumped out of his grave and did the cabbage patch. Which was appropriate, given that he was buried in a cabbage patch. Then he watched The Blind Side and said damn even I’m not that white to say some shit like that.

Oh yeah and the high school football coach looks like he should play the Matt-Smith-Doctor-Who’s Gallifreyan father. Sorry, conservative Republican football fans. But that’s what’s up. There’s some nerdy Democrat talk for you to ruminate on. Try not to have a heart attack. Ain’t my fault he’s so skinny and tall and lookin’ like Doctor Who. He needs to check his DNA if he didn’t want to get cast in my imaginary movie about time lords. Hmmm, that sounds like a song.

You need to check your DNA/ Check your DNA/ Girl I had to say/ You Look like Doctor Who/ I know you aren’t a girl/ It sounds better this way

And so on. Blind Side!

Get Him to the Greek

I ordered this movie On Demand because I was sick from bad food. The restaurant I ate at the night before had weird condiments. The ketchup, the ranch dressing, everything was a little bit off. The ranch dressing looked like a saucer of milk, like the waitress had mistaken me for an adorable stray cat and poured some milk out for me before asking her boyfriend if I could come live with them.

Also, the waitress looked like Cat Power. I once saw a girl at a Cat Power concert who showed up completely topless before the first song. I understand getting caught up in the heat of the moment and taking your top off mid-show, as if to say, “here is partial nudity, as a token of appreciation of your music.” But getting half-naked before the first chord is played is like leaving a tip before your salad gets to the table. Not that Cat Power wouldn’t put on a sultry bluesy show without seeing some lady’s painted up concert breasts. Unless it’s in her contract rider.

Jonah Hill is a good leading man, but he’s undeniably very large. I think he’s assisted in no small way by the thin beard. As a man with a round face myself, I know all about the thin beard and it’s fat face cloaking ways. What’s that you say? A double chin? Oh, I don’t think so. Nothing here but a debonair shadow of scruff. If you can get away with it, I say go full beard. Then there’s no telling what kind of chubby hijinks are going on under there. A full beard is essentially a gold plated ticket to Dorito town for men of my ilk, the money launderer of the fat face world, where the money is face fat and the laundering is done by simply not shaving.

I thought this movie would have a lot more of Russell Brand escaping Jonah Hill and going off and getting into debauchery, but it was apparently a pretty straightforward task to get him to the Greek theater. Incidentally, the title sounds like a late 90’s crime comedy. With Dabney Coleman as “the Greek” and Jim Carrey as the hapless everyman dragged into mafia business. Cameo by Robert De Niro. Al Pacino as the devil. Rudy Ray Moore as Super-Devil. Pikachu as Mega-Devil. Huh, sounds like a good name for an indie Sundance favorite: Pikachu As Mega-Devil. Directed by Park Chan-wook. With Dabney Coleman reprising his role as “the Greek”.

You know who the real star of this movie is? Heroin. And all the other drugs. I get the impression that this movie thinks drugs are great and have no lasting consequences. This movie was practically saying, “Haha, heroin, right? Pretty crazy. Yeah, heroin’s not cool, though- don’t do it. Heh, but wouldn’t it be crazy if we all tried some heroin? Look under your seat. There’s a bag of heroin. No pressure. Okay seriously do the heroin with me. Now.”

Oh yeah and Peggy from Mad Men is Jonah Hill’s girlfriend. She looks cuter in regular modern day clothes. Sometimes women in burlesque girl shows wear clothes from olden times and it is hot but I say present day Elisabeth Moss is the hottest of all the Elisabeth Mosses, past present and future. Except for Golden Age Elisabeth Moss when she had a crossover with Golden Age Superman and Golden Age Green Lantern. Of course, back then she was known as Spanish Moss and her first appearance was in Stupendous Tales #53: “The Creep of Justice”.

Here’s one thing I didn’t understand: Jonah Hill spends all that time and energy doing drugs, throwing up, making friends and risking federal charges just to get Russell Brand to a concert and then five minutes into the show he leaves and drives home to his girlfriend. Russell Brand is up there doing a second hand Robbie Williams meets The Verve impression and his best friend in the world is like, “I know this is the most important moment in your whole life but I for some unfathomable reason can’t be bothered to stick around for even one song. That’s right, all those adventures we just shared together can’t compel me to spend even an extra five to six minutes watching you perform even though this movie would have the viewer believe I am one of your biggest fans what with me saying as much and wearing your t-shirt.”

Guess Russell Brand should have taken his top off. Maybe he was rushing home to change into his costume as Spanish Moss’s sidekick, Wisteria. Quickly, to the tree limbs of Savannah, Georgia! Someone’s grandmother needs to take a photo to remember her tour of historical homes!