Archive for: January, 2011

Dead Rising 2

Dead Rising 2

Wow, I barely wrote anything at all last week. What was I doing? Eating ice cream. The whole time, just ice cream. Ice cream sounds good, but “iced cream” sounds amazing, right? I picture a big frosty bowl of cream, full of ice flakes and vanilla extract. If cats could read the internet, I bet they’d “like” that on Facebook.

Anyway, running a website is thirsty work, especially in this modern age, aka “the golden age of indifference”. You ever try to get a celebrity on twitter to respond to your kinda-jokey-but-acknowledge-me-please tweet on twitter? Refresh, refresh. They are never going to admit that you tweeted at them. Twitter court is in session. Did this fan of yours tweet you an @ message, Jennifer Lopez? NO? CASE DISMISSED. Where was I? Oh right, thirsty work. I broke my rule about drinking out of the ginger ale bottle from the fridge and it was amazing. No more glasses for this lucky son of a bitch!

I played Dead Rising 2 all day yesterday, from noon to one in the morning. I took a break to eat spaghetti and watch half an episode of Justified. I’m sure any lady would be happy to get in bed with Timothy Olyphant, I bet he has a tight little body. What, I can’t say that? Well, sorry heterosexual world! Guess I’ll have to pack my bags and turn in my straight guy card, I suppose all those years of eating Hot Pockets and listening to Too $hort have been in vain.

You know what I love about Dead Rising 2? All the time management. You gotta rescue people and be at different places at different times or you lose the game. Like being Timothy Olyphant’s publicist and having to juggle interviews and topless beefcake calender posing appointments. Justify These Abs 2011!

Also, I love being able to pick out clothes for my character. I like dressing up dudes made of pixels more than I like dressing myself. It takes all my effort not to wear a too-tight promotional Green Hornet T-shirt every day of the week. Dead Rising 2 has all kind of outfits you can mix and match. I went with a tennis headband, collegiate outfit and aviator glasses so I looked like Luke Wilson’s tennis pro from The Royal Tenenbaums. Go Mordecai!

I have to admit that despite being a rational adult who does not find cartoon characters attractive, I found lady reporter Rebecca Chang quite fetching. Almost enough to do a Google image search for her with SafeSearch turned “Off”. Don’t coddle me, Google image search, I know what I’m doing! Searching Google Images sans SafeSearch is like being Cate Blanchett in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. You think you want all that information, but it will melt your face off.

My only issue with Dead Rising 2, which was minor because I burned through most of the game in a single day, was that there seemed to be a lot of repeating zombies. I must have passed that fat zombie like three thousand times! You know when you say goodbye to someone and then it turns out that they are going the same direction as you, so now your first goodbye means nothing, so you keep making conversation until you think it’s safe to say goodbye again, then whoomp there it is they are like, haha I’m actually riding with you and they get in your car and your second goodbye is now also useless?

I felt like this whole game was like that with the fat zombie and the zombie in the hat and the lady zombie in the sensible Payless ShoeSource outfit. Goodbye, zombies in the casino, I’m going into the mall now! What? How did you get in here? Oh well, goodbye mall zombies, I’m going to the underground tunnels! Whaaaat? You again?! I killed you with a lightsaber I made out of gems and a flashlight!

Which, come to think of it, is how lightsabers would be built if only rich old ladies looking for a circuit-breaker box in their basement were Jedi. Good night, everybody!

The Other Guys

The Other Guys

Will Ferrell is an uptight cop and Mark Wahlberg is his partner. They find a British guy and he’s bad or something. Or shady. But he’s funny and he helps them, too. Will Ferrell’s wife is beautiful but he’s rude to her. Mark Wahlberg yells a lot. A blonde woman is the CEO of a company that’s bad, or maybe sort of neutral. She wants her money but then she disappears for a long time. There is also a bad tall man. Bad tall man keeps interfering with cop business. Because he’s a businessman? I feel like I watched a bag of cotton balls put on a movie.

Today I was playing checkers with my friends at a restaurant. I was eating chicken and dumplings while we played and I had four kings on the board, so I made up a song called “Chicken and Dumplings, Here Comes the King”. Here’s how it goes:

Chicken and Dumplings/Here comes the king/Chicken and Dumplings/Here comes the king

Its got kind of a vaudeville feel to it. I was thinking that you should be able to get kinged more than once in checkers to make a Super-King. If you get kinged three times, you get a Mega-King. Mega-King can wipe out the entire board in one move with his turrets and rockets.

The Other Guys was okay until the car chase scene. I’ve never been excited by a car chase in my entire life. Oh, my car is going fast! The other car chases me! WeeeOOOhWeeee! Cop cars are chasing us now, too! Shots of cars driving! Car flips, shot of the other driver hanging upside down— HE’S OKAY, FOLKS! If I see a car chase scene in a movie, I picture a big dumb ogre in the theater eating popcorn, laughing and enjoying the car chase and putting the popcorn bucket on his head until his big dumb horns stick through the bucket. Then Mega-King comes in and they fight.

I probably won’t remember this movie after a couple of days. Sorry, cast and crew of The Other Guys. Farewell, memories of Will Ferrell acting like a fussy police officer, farewell chicken and dumplings, farewell game of checkers, farewell Mega-King, you were a ruthless and destructive  sovereign. May your legacy remain until the end of time!

Easy A

Easy A

In the movie Easy A, Emma Stone’s character lies about having sex with high school boys in exchange for gift cards. Phonetically, I sometimes confuse Emma Stone with Joss Stone. I like that Joss Stone song “Girl They Won’t Believe It”. Makes me think of a chubby British girl who lands an awesome boyfriend.

This is a movie for teenage girls, so naturally, I thought it was great. Except for the part where Emma Stone sings for no reason. Is she lip-syncing? There was no indication in this movie she could sing. Now she’s tarting around in lingerie singing it up like a songbird in front of her whole high school. This movie was so clever and funny, then they switch it up and she started Christina Aguilera-ing a dance routine for her classmates.  Also, the sound quality was amazing in her high school gym. They must have sprung for a top-of-the-line microphone. Usually people sound tinny and scratchy on high school sound equipment.

Plus, the final scene was just crazy. You can’t undo your reputation with just one live-stream webcam video! And her love interest was just thrown in there. We don’t even know this guy, what’s so great about him? Oh, he likes the 80’s? He’s holding up speakers like John Cusack? I would have been more impressed if he dressed like ALF. I had a sweater as a kid that had ALF on it that said, “It’s not easy raising parents, but somebody has to do it!” When was ALF raising parents? What does ALF know about parent-child dynamics? Did he get a degree in Family Psychotherapy on Melmac?

I liked everything about this movie except the last part. I don’t think The Scarlet Letter, which this movie is loosely based on, ended like that. But it’s been a while since I read it. I know Hester Prynne has an out of wedlock baby so she had to wear a scarlet “A”. What’s everybody getting so worked up about an illegitimate baby for, anyway? If someone was bringing out of wedlock wolves and wild dogs into the town, I could see the townspeople getting upset, but a baby? They should be happy a baby was born at all, what with the state of medicine back then. If I was living in that town, I’d throw my corncob pipe and pilgrim hat in the air every time I saw an infant that survived childbirth. I’d make her sew “GJ” into her dress for “GREAT JOB!”

Anyway, I rented Easy A on my Apple TV and was satisfied with my purchase. And the opening credits were neat with nice fonts and the words looked like people were walking around them. I bet all kinds of reviewers worked the title into their reviews, like “A+ FOR EASY A” or “EASY A EASILY THE BEST MOVIE” or “THESE OUT OF WEDLOCK WOLVES ARE BITING ME!” Not me, though, because this review has come to its inevitable conclusion. Good night!

The Town


Okay, here is my review of The Town. Ben Affleck’s impossibly handsome face robs some banks and Jon Hamm’s impossibly handsome face tries to stop him. An impossibly beautiful bank manager gets caught up in the whole bank robbing business. Oh noo I’m so beautiful, but you rob banks! How will it ever work, Ben Affleck?

Ben Affleck’s bank robbing buddies get shot in their ugly faces because they aren’t as good looking. Ben Affleck moves to Florida and wears linen pants. Or maybe those were cargo pants. I haven’t been to Florida in years. One time I ran out in front of eight lanes of traffic as a kid because I was scared of cars and figured I could beat them to the sidewalk. Stupid kid, trying to outrun cars. Wouldn’t it have been cool though if I had been hit by a car and then the car crumpled around me and that’s how I found out I was super strong and invincible? “Oh, man this kid is like a pillar of steel,” the unharmed motorist would say in amazement. But then I’d just go swim in the ocean like it was no big deal.

Then Jon Hamm is like, “GRRR you got away, Ben Affleck!” I was rooting for Jon Hamm the whole time. Why should Ben Affleck get away with robbing banks? He is COMMITTING CRIME, people. I’m going to start wearing a Ben Affleck mask and shoplifting. It’s cool, officer, I am sooooooo handsome. And then at the end he writes a letter to his girlfriend that says, here’s a bunch of money and use it for the children and hockey and stuff. Wait, wait, wait. That is not how you atone for crime. Hockey isn’t that great anyway- sorry Canadians!