Southeast Emmy Award winning director Jack Walsh and cosplay queen Meredith Placko visit the Imperial Trouble studio to review Captain America, the new Spider-man trailer and share their first costuming experiences. Moon Knight finally gets his due and a valiant effort is made to pronounce Rhys Ifans’s name.
This review contains spoilers and cursing, but not necessarily in that order.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 starts off with Harry Potter, Ron and Hermione at Dobby’s grave on the beach. And they gave him a little tombstone! It says, “Here Lies Dobby, A Free Elf.” Seems like there’d be a lot of Muggles at the beach. If Harry Potter and his friends are trying to keep the wizarding world a secret they probably shouldn’t bury an elf that close to Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville Cafe no matter how free he is.
Then Harry Potter breaks into Bellatrix Lestrange’s vault to get a golden cup that Voldemort put a piece of his soul in. Voldemort sure does like putting his soul in ornate lockets and elegant drinkware. Maybe instead of trying to rule Hogwarts he should be a manager at Barneys New York. Also, Helena Bonham Carter is the worst as Bellatrix Lestrange! She overacts being evil so hard she makes Skeletor look like Sir Laurence Olivier playing Richard III.
Harry, Hermione and Ron break into Hogwarts to tell Snape to get the fuck out. Snape flies away in a puff of black smoke. Seems odd that all the evil wizards have to trail a cloud of smog behind them just because they serve Voldemort. Thanks a lot, “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named”. I love spitting out black fumes every time I fly to wizard Target to get some Claritin and toilet paper. Do you think just once I could get from Point A to Point B without looking like a chimney sweep’s ghost is fucking the smoke monster from LOST in the middle of the sky?
Speaking of ghosts, Harry has to convince the ghost of Helena Ravenclaw to tell him where Voldemort hid a tiara that he also put his soul in. Man, Voldemort loves gaudy jewelry. He’s the Joan Rivers of dark wizards! Helena Ravenclaw does a lot of heavy breathing for a ghost. Calm down, lady— you don’t even have lungs! The last time a ghost hyperventilated this hard Boo Berry cereal was discontinued.
Then Voldemort kills Snape so he can use the Elder Wand, which is the strongest wand in the history of wizard kind and still sort of belongs to Snape because of the whole murdering Dumbledore thing. Apparently if you kill or defeat a wizard, his wand becomes loyal to you. First of all, that’s the opposite of loyal. Loyal would be helping the wizard not get defeated in the first place, not hooking up with whoever wins the fight like some hoochie mama watching rednecks brawl in a Sonic parking lot at one in the morning.
Anyway, before he dies Snape asks Harry to collect his tears in a bottle because the tears contain Snape’s memories of thirty-odd years of getting cock blocked by Harry’s father. Harry’s father seems like a real jackass. All he did was bully Snape and hang out with Lupin and Sirius Black, who were much cooler and far more interesting. And when Voldemort showed up to assassinate Harry Potter, Harry’s father was really easy to kill. Voldemort probably murdered him with an Avada Kedavra Curse while he was reading Wand Polish magazine on the toilet, which is either the most boring wizard magazine or the most pornographic. Meanwhile, Harry Potter’s mother was busy deflecting killing curses from “You-Know-Who” and unwittingly filling every vault and safety deposit box in Snape’s spank bank with reasons to go on living in his business of being the loneliest, bravest character in the entire series.
Snape doesn’t even get to be in the circle of Harry Potter’s dead friends and family who wish him well before he goes to face down Voldemort. Well, he only dedicated his entire life to keeping Harry Potter alive and ensuring the entire planet wasn’t enslaved by evil wizards despite his painful unrequited love for Harry’s mother that haunted him every waking moment of his life. Even in the afterlife the Potters are too cool to invite Snape to hang out with them. He should find a more appreciative family to protect/lust after/stalk.
Finally, Ron and Hermione kiss, Neville Longbottom turns into a badass and Harry Potter kills Voldemort with the Elder Wand. Then Harry breaks the Elder Wand in half and throws it in a river. That’ll teach you to be loyal, wand. Thanks for saving my life, good riddance!
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 is my favorite of the Harry Potter films, due to the gorgeous visuals, excellent pacing and superb acting of Alan Rickman, whose nuanced performance as Severus Snape made Sir Laurence Olivier in Richard III look like Skeletor in Sir He-Man the II. The end!
Sam and Jason get dreadful with the crew of Penny Dreadful Productions! Matt Silva, Erin Bushko, John Strangeway and Joseph Hernandez join us to discuss The Boiler Room, carnies, male corsets, The Walking Dead and Dorian’s Parlor. Matt’s Chewbacca impression and the true cost of artistry are also covered.
Knuckle Salad! Sam and Jason are joined by returning guest Kristina Ackerman in a discussion of the smuttiness of True Blood’s fourth season, first impressions of Torchwood: Miracle Day and what makes a true Harry Potter fan. The first two minutes of this episode include a Game of Thrones spoiler.
Sam and Jason are betrayed by their most trusted ally— their microphone! Sam’s voice remains sexy and full of warmth while Jason sounds like he’s recording under the sea in the arms of a mermaid who hates listenable podcasts. The boys review the Simon Pegg and Nick Frost film Paul, recap an episode of the 1967 Spider-Man cartoon and discuss what, if anything, celebrities owe their fans. Sam’s house is struck by lightning and he finally gets the 1.21 GigaWatts necessary to return to 1985.
I was reading the user reviews on iTunes for Battle: Los Angeles, because I was wondering why it had such a low score. People kept writing reviews like “critics are dumb, this movie is awesome!” One guy wrote, “Critics sure can be buggers!” I pictured him in a rocking chair on his front porch, doling out homespun-country-mouse wisdom on the iTunes Battle: Los Angeles page from a laptop he made out of corncobs. Whatever you say, dummy. Let’s call up the New York Times, Joe Everyman has something to say on the internet! So someone criticizes the critics for critiquing, and now I’m criticizing that critique of critics, resulting in a Möbius strip of everyone’s an asshole.
Anyway, Aaron Eckhart is a Staff Sergeant in the Marines! He’s jogging down the beach, but a bunch of younger Marines jog past him, because he’s old! I know how he feels. I walk three and a half miles every morning in the park, and hot girls are always running past me. Though sometimes I hear that really fit people are attracted to out of shape people. Not these girls, though. Not even a second look. I guess my girlfriend wouldn’t like it if I was lurking in the park trying to pick up joggers. Fortunately for her, I’m nowhere as good looking as Aaron Eckhart. Or unfortunately for her.
Aaron Eckhart is retiring, but he’s going to get one last platoon ready for combat. But he got his last platoon killed so nobody trusts him. Everybody second guesses him to his face all the time. Hey Staff Sergeant, you aren’t going to get us killed, are you? Hey Staff Sergeant, you aren’t going to pour lighter fluid on our backs and then throw matches while yelling “I surrender, burn them all!” are you? Hey Staff Sergeant, you aren’t going to confuse bananas with guns and give all the monkeys at the zoo loaded .44 Magnums, are you?
When the aliens arrive, everyone thinks it’s just harmless meteors crashing into the ocean, but then BAM! Aliens with warships hell bent on killing all humans! In the mid-80’s toy manufacturers did something similar with two He-Man action figures called Stonedar and Rokkon. They were these rock guys that showed up as comets to help He-Man. They could transform into rocks and then back into guys who were covered in rocks. I don’t even like wearing pants in my apartment, I can’t imagine if I could never take off my clothes and also my clothes were made of rocks. I guess that’s the sacrifice you have to make when you want to disguise yourself as a boulder. If Skeletor ever tries to ruin a picnic in a national park, he better get ready to be mildly startled when some nearby rocks tell him to put down that ham sandwich!
The aliens are really hard to kill! Aaron Eckhart captures one of them and cuts away at layers of alien body parts until he finds its jellyfish center and stabs it. That’ll teach you to sting people’s legs at the beach and then those people get their ex-girlfriends drunk and make their ex-girlfriends pee on their legs and later find out from a park ranger that only saltwater will ease the sting of a jellyfish, not urine or fresh water! That was a friend of mine, not me. I would never let anyone pee on me, no matter how many invertebrates had stung me with poison barbs.
Then everyone finds out the aliens are here for our water! To paraphrase a news reporter in the movie, they need water to “fuel their ships because nowhere else in the universe has water.” First of all, if you’re an alien race and you’re building your technology for traveling around the universe, you’d probably make fuel out of common materials found throughout the universe, not something so rare you’ve got to murder an entire planet just to start your space jalopy. There’s a reason my car doesn’t run on scrolls with William Shakespeare’s signature and Gutenberg Bibles, because I enjoy driving without having to commit mass genocide in order to acquire these items from another culture. Also, the thruster exhaust on the alien ships was fire, not steam, so how could their ships be running on water, unless they figured out a way to turn water into fire? Maybe the aliens were taking long hot baths, and the “fuel” was them recharging their emotional batteries.
The Marines shoot down the alien command center ship and it makes all the smaller alien ships crash into the ground. Alien Engineer: Say, should we consider programming these drones to operate independently in case they lose contact with the main ship? Alien Commander: I told you not to interrupt me while I’m in the tub. And that’s how the aliens who designed their ships to run on fuel they couldn’t make themselves and networked all their ships to one enormous target in the sky and had vulnerable jelly hearts somehow managed to lose the war against humans. Rest in peace, world’s dumbest aliens!