Sam and Jason tackle the classic He-Man episode “The Origin of the Sorceress” and define the “brunch experience”. Other topics include Sam’s opinions on city folk and the movie Hanna.
Jason and guest host Kristina Ackerman review movie trailers for The Adventures of Tintin, The Amazing Spider-Man, Battleship, Brave, The Dark Knight Rises, The Darkest Hour, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, The Hunger Games, Real Steel, Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows, Tucker & Dale vs Evil, and We Bought A Zoo. Other topics include the Doctor Who episode “The God Complex” and Russian comedian Yakov Smirnoff.
In Insidious, a couple moves into a new house. But then one of their kids falls off a ladder and goes into a coma. A haunted coma! The doctor is like, “It’s not really a coma, he just won’t wake up and also has all the symptoms of a coma. But it’s not a coma. Because of ghosts, I guess. I have no idea why I went to medical school.” Pretty soon, the wife starts seeing ghosts in the house. Also, a demon who looks like Darth Maul from Star Wars. The Darth Maul demon appears behind a chair in their dining room and scares everybody. Now they know how George Lucas’s maid feels.
The husband stays at work late because he can’t get a moment’s peace with all the ghosts running around this house. The wife convinces him to move because she doesn’t want to live in a haunted house. But after they move, she sees more ghosts in the new house! She’s like, “Damn it ghosts, what are you doing here?! I mean, you have the ability to travel between planes of existence and move freely between the lands of the living and the dead but I thought if I put four city blocks and a Dairy Queen between us you’d never figure out where we lived! I hate you, Google Maps for Ghosts!”
The husband and wife bring in a psychic lady and she says the kid is haunted because he astral projected too hard and now all these dead people want to steal his body. Although the ghosts seem way more interested in jumping out and scaring people than actually trying to possess this kid. Get your act together, ghosts! There’s not even a dreamcatcher over his bed. If his body was any more receptive to a ghost being inside of it, he’d be making pottery with a shirtless Patrick Swayze.
Then the psychic reveals the husband used to be able to astral project and tells him that a dead lady tried to steal his body when he was a kid. The psychic is like, “Here’s a bunch of photos of you when you were little with an old woman’s ghost in the background. We kept them in a shoebox all these years because we figured the first photographic proof of life after death in human history belonged in a closet somewhere. Go fuck yourselves, scientists and religious scholars!” The father astral projects himself into the land of the dead and has a staring contest with the dead woman from his childhood photos. “Hey old lady, stop staring at me and trying to get into my body!” he yells. Now he knows how Madonna’s personal trainer feels.
I guess if there’s a lesson to be learned from Insidious, it’s that you should never astral project your soul too far into other planes of existence, because dead people want to wear your skin. Thanks for the tip, movie! I bet Ann Landers is stomping her feet in heaven right now wishing she’d been the one to give out that advice. And also wishing she could steal our living, breathing bodies, apparently. The end!
You know that thing where you feel like it’s too late to watch a movie, because you have to get up in the morning and clean out horse stables at the racetracks or whatever, but then you end up watching seven straight episodes of Sons of Anarchy, and then four Futurama episodes you’ve already seen at least three times each? The whole process takes six hours, and keeps you awake until 3 a.m., but hey, at least you didn’t watch that movie or you’d sure be tired today, and then the other stable hands would be all like “Look at Mr. Tired Shovel with the droopy eyes!” Then you get called Mr. Tired Shovel all the time and they dump buckets of old apples on you, and then you’d have to quit your job. That happens to me at least once a week.
Did that last paragraph seem scattered, poorly written and frustrating, yet full of delightful imagery? BAM! You just got sucker punched by a review of Sucker Punch. Turns out, Zach Snyder’s (Watchmen, 300, Man of Steel) new flick, Sucker Punch, is full of jaw dropping scenery, insane genre-based action, and a script that I can only assume was written via Ouija board or refrigerator magnet words. It’s like The Changing Light At Sandover for the mentally challenged. Look it up.
Sucker Punch brings the A game when it comes to action, and that game is worth watching. From 30 foot samurai-bots to steampunk Nazis and spaceship based train heists, Snyder summons up all of your adolescent archetypes and makes them do battle with young school girls armed with swords and assault rifles. Unfortunately, the epic battle scenes only make up about 30% of the movie. The remaining 70% is crammed full of sloppy writing, awkward sexuality, and frequent yelling. It’s like getting a handjob while watching Jurassic Park III. Sure, no one likes hand jobs, but I’ll take what I can get, plus: dinosaurs.
[Editor’s note: Many people prefer hand jobs over dinosaurs. For example, Jeff Goldblum.]
SPOILER ALERT: Okay, so here’s the plot in a nutshell: A sexy orphan (the best kind) gets locked in an insane asylum for sexy orphans by some sort of evil uncle/stepdad/Monopoly man character. The asylum’s rehabilitation methodology features a combination of dance therapy and full frontal lobotomies, administered via the steely icepick of Jon Hamm, travelling lobotomist. To escape from this hellish world of music/icepick therapy, our heroine, Babydoll, reimagines the place not as an asylum, but as a stylish and abusive whorehouse. No idea why that’s better. I would have probably gone with something like Alpine ski lodge or beach house, but that’s why Snyder makes the big bucks and I write articles about movies and handjobs for an online magazine.
So for reasons that remain unclear to me, these fancy hookers have to recover some items at the behest of a very bad David Carradine stunt double. They run around going into dance based trances and generally being little monsters to everyone in the asylum. They kill some Nazis, smash some windows, do a bit of stabbing, a whole lot of shooting, and a fair amount of grunting. Ordinarily, I would either tell you what happens in the end, or make some elusive reference that you would get once you see it, but frankly, I have no idea what happens. Either Babydoll gets some old fashioned brain surgery from an inappropriately sexy Jon Hamm, or she doesn’t and something else happens.
What matters here is this: If you like watching scantily clad sexy women pilot spaceships, kill steam-filled Nazi-bots, heist trains, fight ninjas and occasionally do some pre-ballet practice stretching, this movie is going to fill you with delight. If you prefer movies with complex characters, painstakingly crafted dialogue, and any sort of plot whatsoever, this probably isn’t for you. [Editor’s note: And if you like scantily clad sexy women reciting painstakingly crafted dialogue, you are probably Philip Seymour Hoffman.] The End!
Sam and Jason review their Dragon*Con 2011 experiences and interview Battlestar Galactica/Dexter‘s Edward James Olmos as well as Eddie McClintock of Warehouse 13 . Topics also include unsuccessfully infiltrating Dragon*Con parties, Sam and Jason’s favorite panels, the Bob and Carl: Sci-Fi Janitors late night puppet slam, convention photography etiquette and a chat with Harrison Krix of Volpin Props.