Archive for: December, 2011

Can We Talk About The Trailer For “New Year’s Eve” For A Minute?

Can We Talk About The Trailer For “New Year’s Eve” For A Minute?

In which Jason and Kristina of Knuckle Salad discuss the trailer for the movie “New Year’s Eve.”

J: First of all, it’s evident that we’re going to see some handsome men in New Year’s Eve attire with white scarves casually draped over their shoulders. Is that even warming their bodies at all? If I was the inventor of scarves, I’d be spinning in my no doubt yarn-lined coffin. And then my scarf would probably get wound around my skeleton throat. Unless the inventor of scarves is still alive. But maybe he still sleeps in a yarn lined coffin. This is a pretty dark way to start this review of the trailer for New Year’s Eve.

Imperial Trouble Episode 58: Part Two of WRITE CLUB Atlanta with Myke Johns & Nicholas Tecosky

Imperial Trouble Episode 58: Part Two of WRITE CLUB Atlanta with Myke Johns & Nicholas Tecosky

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Sam and Jason are joined by Myke Johns and Nicholas Tecosky for part two of our WRITE CLUB Atlanta episode. Topics include dealing with writer’s block, Edgar Allan Poe, theories about alternate timelines in Back to the Future, and our ideas about time travel. Selections from WRITE CLUB Atlanta are read. Part one found here.

A Boulder Of Tinsel On A Hill Made Of Mistletoe: A Review Of “Santa Claus: The Movie”
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A Boulder Of Tinsel On A Hill Made Of Mistletoe: A Review Of “Santa Claus: The Movie”

A woodcutter named Claus goes out in a blizzard and nearly gets himself killed trying to deliver a bag full of toys to the village children. He and his wife eventually get lost and succumb to the cold, clutching a sack full of carved wooden horses and dolls with yarn hair. Looks like the Dolly Parton Country Christmas Special is going to need a new set dresser.

On Centrifugal Christmas Trees, Artificial Turf, and Shaping the Post-War World
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On Centrifugal Christmas Trees, Artificial Turf, and Shaping the Post-War World

It used to throw off sparks. Not big ones, but like the sparks from an empty cigarette lighter. Presumably, this was by design and not some overlooked safety issue. In retrospect, it’s probably a good thing that there used to be a solid month between Halloween and the beginning of the Christmas season, given the flammability of the store-bought plastic Halloween costumes that I would continue to wear for weeks after the holiday.

Imperial Trouble Episode 57: “He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special” with Everett Steele of Geekcetera

Imperial Trouble Episode 57: “He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special” with Everett Steele of Geekcetera

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Sam and Jason get into the Christmas spirit with Everett Steele of geek apparel site Geekcetera! Topics include He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special, stealing a mule’s soul, scooter aficionados and Total Recall. 

Me Use Algorithms: A Review Of “Limitless”
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Me Use Algorithms: A Review Of “Limitless”

In Limitless, Bradley Cooper plays a failed writer who takes magic pills and becomes a genius. For a movie that’s supposed to be about a writer and a man of godlike intellect, this movie actually seems to hate writing. As soon as Bradley Cooper gets his smart pills and doubles his brainpower, he ditches writing to play the stocks. “So long, dumb book I’ve been laboring over for years!” He might as well throw his laptop out the window and hit some willowy bucktoothed nerd in the retainer with it.

Oh man, and then there’s the montages of Bradley Cooper spouting off “smart” things in front of amazed onlookers at parties and bars. It’s like watching Superman’s halfwit clone Bizarro give a speech to an auditorium full of RealDolls with diplomas from fake online universities stuffed into their cleavage.

Not to mention Robert De Niro, as a powerful businessman, is supposedly very impressed with Bradley Cooper’s stock choices. He arranges a meeting, and Bradley Cooper says, “Uh…orr…me use algorithms. Stocks?” Then he dips his tie in a sippy cup of apple juice and puts it in his mouth. Robert De Niro is like, “Okay, you drive a hard bargain.”

There’s a scene in Limitless where Bradley Cooper seduces a woman in a nightclub by speaking different languages and quoting Shakespeare. Now, I know you wanted to booty dance to Young Jeezy, heavily made-up nightclub lady, but how about a few choice selections from the Bard of Avon instead?

This guy is supposed to be the living incarnation of man’s untapped mental potential, and he spends all of his time trying to live the shittiest life possible. He seeks out dumb women to have sex with, and bends over backward to impress insufferable rich white people. For anybody with above average intelligence, being around people obsessed with money and leisure is like biting down on a dunce cap made of tin foil. But Bradley Cooper’s character acts like getting some Wall Street jerk-offs and generic hot girls to think he’s awesome is like biting down on a dunce cap made of filet mignon and blowjobs.

Anyway, there’s this whole big thing at the end about how Bradley Cooper didn’t earn his power, and how you need to temper intelligence with experience, and how he’s actually limitless now that he has both. Which would have been a thoughtful way to end the movie. Except in the same scene, he diagnoses Robert De Niro with a heart condition by putting his hand on De Niro’s chest and detecting a serious cardiac problem through a layer of clothing. I understand that it wouldn’t make sense to ask Robert De Niro to get topless just to impress him with your ability to use your hand as a stethoscope, but even a goat chewing on the hem of a backwoods hillbilly doctor’s combination overalls and lab coat knows that you can’t use your fingertips as a Holter monitor.

Unless the goat is chewing on Limitless pills, and then he’ll treat any medical ailment with a tin can and hubris. That’s it, everybody. Limitless!

You Didn’t Know If You Were Going To Jupiter: A Review Of “Another Earth”
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You Didn’t Know If You Were Going To Jupiter: A Review Of “Another Earth”

On the same night a duplicate Earth is discovered in our solar system, a beautiful young woman is accepted into MIT’s astrophysics program, so she gets drunk to celebrate and smashes her car into a family of three. Damn, wonder what would have happened if she’d only gotten into beauty school.

The woman goes to jail and gets out four years later. She becomes a janitor at a high school. For a sci-fi movie, there are a lot of scenes of her cleaning up bathrooms and hallways. I don’t even think the movie The Help had this many shots of sweeping and mopping.

She finds out that the father survived the car crash, and he’s a composer. Also, he’s not just any old composer from your community college for dummies, he’s from Yale. So you can put away your sheet music for Evanescence’s “Bring Me to Life,” he’s not interested.

She drives out to his farmhouse and pretends to be a maid offering cleaning services. He hires her to pick up all his empty booze bottles and wash his filthy dishes. He also wears more knit hats than Evan Dando at a Matthew Sweet convention.

Then they become friends! Meanwhile, a woman named Dr. Joyce makes first radio contact with the other Earth. And there’s another Dr. Joyce on Earth-Two that sounds exactly like her. The Earth-One Dr. Joyce decides to quiz the Earth-Two Dr. Joyce in case she’s a filthy liar or a Mynah Bird with an intergalactic communications device.

She’s like, “What souvenir did you get from Cape Canaveral as a kid?” The Earth-Two Dr. Joyce says, “Space strawberries.” And then Earth-One Dr. Joyce holds up a piece of paper that says SPACE STRAWBERRIES, which is also the safe word for Jane and George Jetson’s BDSM play.

The composer and the woman fall in love, so he takes her to an auditorium and plays a wood saw with a violin bow. She is really turned on by this so they have sex. To be fair, if he’d played a cigar box banjo, she only would have given him a blow job.

She wins an essay contest and the prize is a seat on the space shuttle going to Earth-Two. The name of the company that is launching the shuttle is United Space Ventures. Before United Space Ventures, space ventures were really disorganized. You didn’t know if you were going to Jupiter or the Avatar planet or the Wookiee Planet Kashyyyk. And then a billionaire was like, these space ventures are all over the place, let’s roll up our shirtsleeves and get these goddam space ventures united. The composer freaks out and says, “PLEASE DON’T GO TO SPACE!” and the girl is all, “Uh…I killed your whole family.”

Anyway, the girl gives her ticket to the composer so he can go to the other Earth and see if his family is still alive, and if so, play his weird wood saw song for them. The girl meets her doppelgänger from Earth-Two, and the doppelgänger is wearing a stylish pea coat, so you just know she hasn’t been vehicular manslaughtering any families.  Credits!

Imperial Trouble Episode 56: Myke Johns & Nicholas Tecosky of WRITE CLUB Atlanta

Imperial Trouble Episode 56: Myke Johns & Nicholas Tecosky of WRITE CLUB Atlanta

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Sam and Jason are joined by Myke Johns and Nicholas Tecosky of WRITE CLUB Atlanta for part one of a two part episode. Topics include notorious Atlanta strip club The Clermont Lounge, Bill Murray’s suitability as Batman, Jason’s George Takei story, Kurt Vonnegut, and Blade Runner. Selections from WRITE CLUB Atlanta are read.

I Wish You’d Make It So, Number One: 12/09 In Review

I Wish You’d Make It So, Number One: 12/09 In Review

Michael Bay is in negotiations to direct a fourth Transformers film. I think Michael Bay should make a movie about Gobots. You could get Gobots for a quarter at Kmart when I was a kid. So cheap. Put them in your mouth, who cares. Put Michael Bay in your mouth while you’re at it. I bet a Gobot would put Michael Bay in his mouth for a part in a Transformers movie.

The Mythbusters accidentally shot a cannonball through a family’s home while shooting an episode. Witnesses reported the cannon fired prematurely after seeing Kari Byron in a swimsuit. I tweeted that joke and was pretty proud of it.

Nichelle Nichols revealed the character of Spock on Star Trek was originally written as a woman. For some reason, when I think of a lady Spock, I think of her having long, amazing, beautiful hair. I had a strange, half-asleep thought about Spock being female when I woke up this morning: “This is the kind of thing that happens when William Shatner wishes on a monkey’s paw.” Did characters ever make wishes on Star Trek? “I wish you’d make it so, number one.” “I wish you’d beam me up, Scotty.” I bet William Shatner makes wishes all the time on the lock of Leonard Nimoy’s hair he keeps in his wallet.

James Earl Jones revealed that George Lucas initially wanted Orson Welles to play the role of Darth Vader. Last night a cute bartender girl told me that she had a hooded sweatshirt exactly like mine, because she stole it from a guy she dated. We both agreed that it was incredibly comfortable. Then she said it was a good thing she wasn’t wearing it last night because then we’d both be wearing the same thing, and I said the world wouldn’t fall off its axis if two people wore the same sweatshirt. I guess the world wouldn’t have fallen off its axis either if Orson Welles had played Darth Vader.

PICTURED: Darth Vader. He probably sounds like Orson Welles.

Finally, this French Bulldog puppy hates an ice cube. In his defense, he ordered his whiskey neat.

12/06 In Review: Paper Wasps, Daniel Radcliffe, The Cabin In The Woods, And A Gadget Orchestra

12/06 In Review: Paper Wasps, Daniel Radcliffe, The Cabin In The Woods, And A Gadget Orchestra

New research has revealed that paper wasps can recognize each other’s faces. Researchers found that paper wasps have uniquely evolved to identify each other based on facial recognition. Thanks to this new evolution, paper wasps are looking forward to correctly identifying former high school classmates in amateur paper wasp pornography they find online.

Daniel Radcliffe stars in The Woman in Black, a film about a young lawyer who discovers a woman’s ghost is terrorizing the locals of a remote village by tearing the eyes out of old-timey photographs and moving a rocking chair back and forth. Teenagers who use the same techniques to terrorize their local Cracker Barrel have yet to be confronted by Radcliffe.

Long delayed Joss Whedon-produced The Cabin In The Woods, a film about a group of college kids who spend a weekend at a cabin in the woods that is not what it seems, will finally arrive in theaters next April. The trailer for The Cabin In The Woods includes imagery of a group of white men in a control room, a girl dancing in denim shorts in front of a fireplace and a hawk flying into a force field, which also describes the historic scene at Abraham Lincoln’s log cabin birth.

PICTURED: Abraham Lincoln and Joss Whedon share a knowing look in front of a log cabin.

Japanese company Denso has created a device for your car that monitors your facial muscles to determine if you’re about to fall asleep at the wheel. The device scans seventeen points on the driver’s face to assess drowsiness. Advanced models also scan for pajamas, puffy night caps, and cartoon thought balloons containing logs of wood being sawed.

Finally, tinkerer James Cochrane has programmed an orchestra of gadgets to play House of the Rising Sun.

After performing the popular 1964 hit about a New Orleans brothel, the gadgets were reassembled into a robot sex doll, and made love to.

12/01 In Review: An Indiana Jones Facebook Game, A Skyrim Glitch, Snow White, And A Deformed Pig.

12/01 In Review: An Indiana Jones Facebook Game, A Skyrim Glitch, Snow White, And A Deformed Pig.

An official Indiana Jones Prequel Facebook game was announced by Zynga, creators of FarmVille. Players will use machetes and whips to explore jungles and search for treasure in the free-to-play Indiana Jones Adventure World. The game is also programmed to steal your personal data and replace it with a bag of sand.

PICTURED: Indiana Jones. Accompanied by the lead singer of Simply Red, apparently. 

A trailer for Snow White and the Huntsman was recently released. In the film, a mirror urges an evil queen to kill Snow White and eat her heart to become more beautiful. In a related story, an informal survey of men everywhere revealed the quality they find most attractive in women is a willingness to eat human hearts.

A patch for the game The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is said to have “fixed an occasional issue where a guest would arrive to the player’s wedding dead”. A similar glitch in most American states in which gay players arrive to their own wedding but are unable to get married has yet to be patched.

An antique Stradivarius was recreated from a CAT scan. A copy produced from the 307-year-old violin is said to sound “amazingly similar” to the original. Researchers were also able to duplicate the world’s smallest violin by pinching their thumb and forefinger together and sarcastically playing the world’s saddest song on it for you.

Finally, a deformed pig has learned to walk on his front legs:

The pig announced plans to see an R-rated movie as soon as it finds a second pig to fill out a trenchcoat and fedora.