Archive for: January, 2012

Moonrise Kingdom

Moonrise Kingdom

In which Jason and Kristina of Knuckle Salad discuss the trailer for the movie Moonrise Kingdom.

J: Wow, this movie has it all. Little girls in bird costumes, old compasses, kids writing notes to each other on custom stationary and Ed Norton in a Boy Scout uniform. It’s like the deleted scenes from The People vs. Larry Flynt in an alternate universe where Hustler magazine is about the top sellers on Etsy. According to its synopsis, Moonrise Kingdom is about two twelve-year-olds who fall in love at summer camp, make a secret pact, and run away together into the wilderness. I had a crush on a curly haired girl at 4-H camp when I was twelve. She never smiled and got pregnant in the tenth grade. I guess she would have gotten pregnant even sooner if she hadn’t scowled so much.

Imperial Trouble Episode 62: Misfits Series Three

Imperial Trouble Episode 62: Misfits Series Three

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Jason and Bunny discuss the third season of Misfits. Other topics include the sci-fi implications of the Steve Urkelverse, the new DC Comics logo, a Star Trek dream about Brent Spiner, Steve Guttenberg’s role in the movie Cocoon, and Jason’s reaction to the trailer for Mass Effect 3.

Everyone Has A Wheel: In Defense Of Summer
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Everyone Has A Wheel: In Defense Of Summer

This essay was originally written and performed for Write Club Atlanta, a monthly competitive writing event. 

Everyone has a wheel.

For some people, the wheel is a grindstone, an oppressive force pushing them down into the dirt as it turns, squeezing the air out of their lungs as it spins against their back. For others, the wheel is a puppy in a velour tracksuit, massaging their shoulders with a tender professionalism, because it is a certified massage therapist in addition to being a soft, wiggly puppy. And for some, their wheel is a grindstone in a velour tracksuit that dropped out of massage school to become a cashier at Target, a place notorious for not giving massages.

Perfect Sense

Perfect Sense

In which Jason and comedy writer Ben Arnold discuss the trailer for the movie Perfect Sense.

J: The good news is, Ewan McGregor and Eva Green fall in love. The bad news is, the world is ending. There’s a virus that’s robbing people of their senses, starting with smell. Although I guess this means that Oscar the Grouch is finally going to get to have sex. I hope he gets to have sex with Ewan McGregor, come to think of it. Ewan McGregor will be all, “Listen, Eva Green— I know you’re a beautiful woman, and our love transcends the apocalypse, but now that I no longer possess the senses to determine if this grouchy puppet who lives in a trashcan stinks or not, I am really going to lay into him with my penis.” That’s what people who have sex usually say, right? “I’m going to lay into you with my penis.”

The Strength Of Seven Harry Connick Jrs.: A Review Of “Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes”
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The Strength Of Seven Harry Connick Jrs.: A Review Of “Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes”

James Franco steals a super-smart baby chimp from his lab! He takes the chimp out to a state park for the first time and the chimp holds his hand out and looks down. James Franco takes this to mean the chimp is taking a submissive pose and asking for permission to climb the trees, but actually it is customary to tip your monkey when you bring him to the woods for the first time.

Hey, Let’s Talk About The Trailer for “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”

Hey, Let’s Talk About The Trailer for “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”

In which Jason and Kristina of Knuckle Salad discuss the trailer for the movie “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.”

J: Wow, the trailer for The Hobbit has all kinds of stuff going on it. Pigs in harnesses, dwarves with spider webs in their beards, threadbare antique furniture—it’s essentially the video for the Nine Inch Nails song “Closer”, if Trent Reznor had eaten second breakfast on his eleventy-first birthday. The dwarves in this movie are short, hairy and have enormous ears. Looks like there’s going to be some a cappella dwarf singing as well. I usually feel uncomfortable if someone starts singing in front of me without musical accompaniment, but the other dwarves just put down their pipes and start singing along like the cast of Glee, if everyone on Glee was my grandfather.

Imperial Trouble Episode 60: The G.I. Joe Episode With Jack Walsh

Imperial Trouble Episode 60: The G.I. Joe Episode With Jack Walsh

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Sam and Jason are joined by “Real American Hero” Jack Walsh. Topics include the trailer for G.I. Joe: Retaliation, the classic G.I. Joe episode “Skeletons in the Closet”, and Hasbro G.I. Joe commercials from the 80’s. Jack unboxes a G.I. Joe figure on the air, and Jason explains why no amount of money or power can bring a cartoon lady to life.

It Was Probably Her Tusks That Gave Me That Impression: A Review Of “Star Trek: Generations”
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It Was Probably Her Tusks That Gave Me That Impression: A Review Of “Star Trek: Generations”

The Starship Enterprise has a new crew and it’s going on its maiden voyage! Captain Kirk and Scotty and Chekov are there visiting, but the new captain makes them sit in little plastic chairs over by the wall like they’re waiting on their girlfriends to get done shopping at Anthropologie. Later, the new captain emerges with a cute scarf and a pewter spoon with an owl on it.

Can We Talk About The Trailer For “Prometheus” For A Minute?

In which Jason and comedy writer Ben Arnold discuss the trailer for the movie Prometheus.

J: In space, no one can hear you scream. Which is why it is so difficult to get ice cream in space. I mean, I screamed, you screamed, we all screamed for ice cream. And the void of space was indifferent to our collective calls for sweet iced cream. Now gelato on the other hand—very easy to get in space. You can’t throw a moon rock in space without hitting a gelato stand, usually with some kind of gloopy tentacled monster trying to sell you a mint raisin sorbet. Speaking of gloopy tentacled monsters, looks like there’s a little space trouble happening for the characters in Prometheus. There are a ton of shots in the trailer of people looking dismayed in space helmets.

Imperial Trouble Episode 59: The Doctor, The Widow and The Wardrobe

Imperial Trouble Episode 59: The Doctor, The Widow and The Wardrobe

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Sam and Jason review Doctor Who episode “The Doctor, The Widow and The Wardrobe” and discuss the Prometheus trailer. Other topics include Jason’s battle against the ants, the death of Bob Anderson, a Taco Bell story, and the Paul Newman film The Hustler.

Three Deviled Eggs In A Big Red Basket: My Adventures In “Skyrim”

Three Deviled Eggs In A Big Red Basket: My Adventures In “Skyrim”

The first thing I did in Skyrim was join a group of warriors called The Companions. They turned out to be werewolves. Then I became a werewolf. Then I was cured of being a werewolf by cutting off a witch’s head. Later, I realized I’d misread the instructions and the cure for being a werewolf is cutting off a witch in traffic.