J: Can I just say that the police officers in The Hunger Games trailer look like Woody Allen’s sperm costume from Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask)? I guess if you’re already crazy enough to make teenagers fight each other in a nationally televised deathmatch, it’s not that much crazier to have your cops dress like visual gags from 40 year old sex comedies.
In which Jason and comedian Jake Head discuss the trailer for The Amazing Spider-Man.
J: Welcome to this review of The Amazing Spider-Man trailer, Jake. Just right off the bat, does he seem that amazing? I think he’s coasting on the ability to shoot webs out of his hands. Or his wrist or butt. I don’t know where the webs come from. Glands, maybe? Possibly his heart or tear ducts. That would be something, wouldn’t it? If all that spider webbing was just the tears of a man. A spider-man. He doesn’t seem that sad. Don’t be fooled, criminals! If you were considering giving up crime because you thought your thievery or murder or whatever had brought a spider-man to tears, don’t be hasty. I mean, be hasty with your crime, because breaking the law is not something you can take your time with. Get in and get out, I say. But don’t turn your back on lawlessness. Emotionally, Spider-man is fine. He clearly thinks he’s amazing.
J: In The Hunter, Willem Dafoe plays a mercenary who is hired to go into the Tasmanian wilderness to track a tiger believed to be extinct. I guess it really is true what they say about the wealthy, they’ll do anything to get their hands on exotic frosted flakes. Looks like at some point in the movie, Willem Dafoe finds a skull on the ground and picks it up. I dated a girl who kept a human skull on her writing desk. Her father found it on a pile of skeletons in Colombia and snuck it back into the United States. Sorry about ending up in a mass grave, Colombian skeleton. Hope your skull enjoys listening to Robbie Williams and watching Billy Elliot on my ex-girlfriend’s laptop.
Bunny and Jason welcome Harrison Krix of Volpin Props. Topics include Splinter and Shredder’s suitability to raise an orphan baby, Mass Effect 3, an unlikely hamburger-based crime team, Harrison’s creative process, and Jason’s desperate behavior when his internet is disconnected.
In which Jason and comedian Tony Jenkins discuss the trailer for The Bourne Legacy.
J: I’ve only seen one of the Jason Bourne movies, and I fell asleep in the theater halfway through it. What I do know is that people are frequently chasing Jason Bourne and shooting at him. They should probably stop chasing him. He’s essentially The Gingerbread Man of amnesiac spies. The story of The Gingerbread Man is actually pretty crazy. He leaps out of an old woman’s oven, gets chased by some barnyard animals and then dies in the jaws of a fox. Is this what life is all about? You’re the world’s first sentient cookie, magically endowed with the powers of speech and reason, and everyone on the planet just wants to eat you. What if that talking cookie was the next cookie Dalai Lama? Then again, he did look pretty delicious. I guess this explains why some people call Ashton Kutcher “The Gingerbread Man”, because he also came to life in an old woman’s oven. Anyway, this movie doesn’t even have Jason Bourne in it.
J: I haven’t seen a soldier this threatened by an enormous squid since Beetle Bailey’s girlfriend made him try an Ika Maki roll at Benihana. And by Beetle Bailey’s girlfriend, I mean Sarge. I have to say, the female Commander Shepard in this trailer looks a little like a grown-up Pippi Longstocking. Which explains why the two newest companions in her squad are a spotted horse and a monkey named Mr. Nilsson. Don’t worry, the horse is a biotic and the monkey keeps Medi-gel packs under his comical straw hat.
A lot of people think that the first person to cut a hole in a tub of popcorn to put their dick inside of it was a guy in a movie theater trying to get a handjob. Actually, it was Orville Redenbacher. He used his penis as a measuring stick. Anytime he wanted to test a new flavor of gourmet popcorn with a focus group, he’d fill a tub and put his dick inside. If all he could see afterwards was the tip, he knew it was back to the drawing board. But if the level of popcorn dropped to the base of his shaft, he knew he had a winner. In fact, this is where the phrase “Poppycock” comes from. He’d get so excited about a successful new line of popcorn, he’d try to yell, “Popcorn Cock!” but would get too worked up to say all the syllables.
In which Jason and comedy writer Ben Arnold have a profanity-laced discussion about the trailer for the movie Battleship.
J: I always knew that mankind would be crushed by enormous balls of steel, but I always assumed they’d be metaphorical, and attached to Hollywood’s elder statesman, Clint Eastwood. So I guess Liam Neeson and Rihanna are trapped behind a force field of ocean water in naval uniforms? I imagine this is the kind of thing that happens to people who get trapped in Kanye West’s saltwater pool. Is it just me, or do the aliens in Battleship look like they’re wearing Daft Punk helmets?