Archive for: March, 2012

But Here We Are, Drinking From His Basket: A Review Of The Trailer For “Men in Black III”

But Here We Are, Drinking From His Basket: A Review Of The Trailer For “Men in Black III”

In which Jason reviews the trailer for Men in Black III, a time travel movie about the Men in Black’s early years in the 1960s.

I think we can all agree that Will Smith’s time machine in the trailer for Men in Black III is ugly. Like, talking-Nightmare-Before-Christmas-Jack Skellingtonkeychain ugly. My grandfather’s diabetes monitor ugly. Jack Skellington’s diabetes monitor ugly. Which, you might be a little late to the party, diabetes, as he is already a skeleton.

The Lucky One

The Lucky One

In which Jason reviews the trailer for The Lucky One, a movie about a Marine who searches for the woman he believes was his good luck charm during the war.

Wow. Zac Efron is so romantic! Especially when he tells Taylor Schilling she should be kissed “every day, every hour and every minute.” That’s quite a feat. And a good way to tell time, if your watch or phone is broken. “It’s half past 1200 Zac Efron kisses, time to take my medication.” Not sure why Taylor Schilling needs medication in this scenario. Maybe it’s just a placebo. Sugar pills. She’s probably in the control group of some medical experiment. Because she can’t control her love for Zac Efron.

Sound of My Voice

Sound of My Voice

In which Jason reviews the trailer for Sound of My Voice, a movie about a journalist and his girlfriend who get pulled in while they investigate a cult whose leader claims to be from the future.

Women. When are we going to stop losing our men to beautiful cult leaders who say they’re from the future?! Well, not our men, per say. I don’t have any men to speak of. Or women. I’m sure I could, if I worked at it. Oh, I could have a whole line of women at my door, holding flowers, on bended knee. They had better bend their knees. If I see any straightened knees, I’m calling the whole thing off! Don’t make me break out the protractor, hypothetical lady-suitors. I wonder what made them fall in love with me. Probably my braggadocio, and my hubris.

The Cold Light of Day

The Cold Light of Day

In which Jason is joined by Randy Osborne, the originator of Atlanta’s $10 literary art mystery, for a review of the trailer for The Cold Light of Day.

J: Don’t ever leave your family on a boat. Or they’ll definitely get kidnapped. Take it from Henry Cavill. And Cap’n Crunch. Why do you think he battles the Soggies every day? Because they took his family. Look closer, Cap’n Crunch. The Soggies are your family. Cap’n Crunch’s family has Stockholm Syndrome! They’re totally on board with being soggy milk people. They love it. And that’s what burns Cap’n Crunch up inside.

Game of Thrones Season 2

Game of Thrones Season 2

In which Jason is joined by Atlanta writer Chris Hassiotis for a review of the trailer for Season 2 of Game of Thrones.

J: According to Wikipedia, Mark Twain was born during a visit by Halley’s Comet, and predicted that he would “go out with it” as well. Slow down, Mark Twain. You can’t just tell a comet what to do.

Jack The Giant Killer

Jack The Giant Killer

In which Jason is joined by Atlanta writer and performer Johnny Drago for a review of the trailer for Jack The Giant Killer.

J: Hi, Johnny. Welcome to this review of the trailer for Jack the Giant Killer. Fair warning to you: if you see a man in the theater parking lot in a makeshift booth with a hand-lettered sign that reads “Jack the Giant Killer,” please do not purchase any tickets from him. He is offering a very different type of entertainment. You see, he has nicknamed his penis “the Giant Killer.”

Brave

Brave

In which Jason and Myke Johns of Mice in Cars and Write Club Atlanta discuss the trailer for Brave.

J: My friend left his Atlanta Braves hat in my messenger bag over the weekend. They say when you take another man’s hat, you steal his power. Who says this? Hatters, mostly. Or people who keep important documents in their hats. If you keep your birth certificate and social security card in your hat, and someone steals that hat off your head, like a grifter on a fire escape, or a more experienced grifter’s monkey (who belongs to a grifter who’s sick of waiting around on fire escapes until someone with a hat full of valuable paperwork walks by), then that is a classic case of hat-power theft.

The Raven

The Raven

In which Jason and Jack Walsh of GET DELICIOUS! and Four Days at Dragon*Con discuss the trailer for The Raven.

J: Jack, right off the bat, let me make it clear that John Cusack is not appearing in The Raven of his own free will. He is doing so because he is bound by raven magic. The President of the United Raven States (or, POTURS) loaned John Cusack his Netflix password, in exchange for a lifetime of servitude, both here on this mortal plane and in the afterlife. Not just to ravens, but also mynah birds, parakeets, essentially any avian creature, except for geese, who are assholes.

The Avengers

The Avengers

In which Jason and Nick Tecosky of Write Club Atlanta discuss the trailer for The Avengers.

J: Is Robert Downey Jr. going to wear that Black Sabbath shirt through the whole movie? Because if having a heart problem and wearing T-shirts with metal bands from the 70’s on them is all it takes, the Avengers might want to recruit my stepdad. I noticed that Iron Man seems really pleased to have The Hulk on the Avengers team. I don’t think anybody has been this proud to have a guy in jean shorts by his side since George Michael started Wham!.