Archive for: May, 2012

The Possession

The Possession

In which Kevin Moreau and Jon Black review the trailer for The Possession.

JON

Here we have the trailer for The Possession, in which an innocent young girl is apparently, well, possessed by a dybbuk. I had to look that one up–apparently it’s an ancient Hebrew word meaning, “Yet another remake of The Exorcist except with a rabbi instead of a priest and a mysterious Hellraiser puzzle box thrown in because that’s creepy, right?”

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

In which Tony Jenkins and Bryan Cole review the trailer for G.I. Joe: Retaliation.

TONY

I used to love playing with GI Joe action figures when I was a kid. By playing with them, I mean burning them in my family’s backyard grill, prompting my neighbors to continually ask, “Can you smell what the weird, fat kid down the street is cooking?”

You’re Standing In A Field: The Importance Of The Cowlick To Superman’s Visual Identity

You’re Standing In A Field: The Importance Of The Cowlick To Superman’s Visual Identity

Many people think the key to Superman’s secret identity is his glasses. Actually, it’s his cowlick. Because he goes the extra mile by actually having a cow lick his hair. Obviously, he can’t have a real cow do the licking, because that would be unseemly. He’s Superman, for chrissake, not Static Shock or The Rocketeer. He can afford to pay someone to put on a cow suit, and recreate a pastoral cow-licking scenario. Patch of grass, salt lick, a nearby defaced billboard reading EAT MOR CHIKIN—the whole nine yards.

Hold On To Your Raisins: How The Man From The Goatse Photo Will Cause The End Of The World

Hold On To Your Raisins: How The Man From The Goatse Photo Will Cause The End Of The World

Some people say the world will end in fire. Some people say it will end in ice. I say it will end when the man from the Goatse photo bends over at a particular angle in front of the sun, and the exposure to such a massive black hole causes the sun to collapse in on itself.

Imperial Trouble Episode 78: Beau Brown and Patrick Freeman of Bob and Carl: Sci-Fi Janitors

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Jason is joined by Beau Brown and Patrick Freeman of Bob and Carl: Sci-Fi Janitors fame. Topics include the acceptable level of profanity on Twitter, creativity versus the editing process, the Sci-Fi Janitors VS the Redbull Soapbox Race, and XPT: Experimental Puppetry Theater.

Taking Down The Whole Loaf: Observations From The Kentucky Derby

Taking Down The Whole Loaf: Observations From The Kentucky Derby

I’m walking up to the Kentucky Derby gates. A man is selling bootleg T-shirts that read, “I Beat The Pussy Up!”. If you’re going to buy one pussy-centric shirt on your way to the horse race billed as “The Most Important Two Minutes In Sports History”, I don’t think you’re going to find a better offering, unless Cat Fancy Magazine sells shirts at the Derby. Cat Fancy Magazine, you really dropped the ball on this one. And batted it around a little. Next year, I think the T-shirt guy should aim higher, with an “I Beat The Pussy Up!” seersucker suit. He could also sell it to local productions of To Kill a Mockingbird. It’s never too late for a more modern take on Atticus Finch.

Snow White And The Huntsman

Snow White And The Huntsman

In which Jason and Soren Bowie of Cracked.com discuss the trailer for Snow White and the Huntsman.

JASON

Hi Soren. Welcome to this review of Snow White and the Huntsman. From the looks of it, the quickest route to being fairest of all is soaking in a bathtub full of milk. Of course, some of us have always known that prolonged milk-on-skin contact will result in excessive fairness, both the physical and moral kind. Which is why progressive courtrooms across the country have installed mandatory milk-soaking tubs to ensure fairness in all jury trials. Whether members of the jury wear shower caps and utilize comically overlong back scrubbers is at the discretion of the presiding judge, who is usually a breastfeeding baby in a powdered wig.

Step Up: Revolution

Step Up: Revolution

In which Jon Black and Dan Nadolny review the trailer for Step Up: Revolution.

D: This film will not be a monetary success. Far from it, in fact. I’ll hazard a guess that it rips in and out of theaters in under six days, and was only produced to absolve someone at Touchstone from imprisonment-level trouble with the IRS. That said, Step Up: Revolution has the distinct, nutty essence of a blockbuster. Literally.You see, the gyrating stars of our tale are enthusiastic young turks who glisten with permanent gym dew and a sexual gravity weighty enough to send even the Pope’s pants quickly to his ankles. Their mission (er, cause for “revolution”) is to halt a block-busting mega-hotel construction (and presumably, the destruction of their native dancing-coitus-robot breeding grounds) through a series of protest-themed flash mobs. Never in the history of this franchise has the need for organized public disturbance seemed so dire.

Love Colleen and Becky: A Story Of Zippo Lighters And Robotic Male Prostitutes

Love Colleen and Becky: A Story Of Zippo Lighters And Robotic Male Prostitutes

This essay was originally written for and performed at the “True Story!” Reading Series in Atlanta. 

This is a Zippo lighter I received as a gift in 1997. It says “Love Colleen and Becky” on it. I’ve always been bothered by the lack of a comma. The intended message is, “Love, Colleen and Becky.” Like, “Hey, we love you. We got you this gift. You can light your cigarettes with it. Or commit arson. Hope you burn all the buildings you hate to the ground. Love, Colleen and Becky.'”

Imperial Trouble Episode 76: “The Dark Knight Rises” With Renn Brown Of CHUD.com

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Jason and guest Renn Brown of CHUD.com discuss upcoming film The Dark Knight Rises. Jason realizes he likes Tom Cruise and shares his anxiety about the The Kentucky Derby. The podcast is compared to Deadwood’s Al Swearengen. Also discussed: the Old Murder House Theatre.