Archive for: June, 2013

2 Guns: In The Words Of Ric Ocasek In The Khakis Section Of Old Navy, I Guess My Pants Are Just Pleated

2 Guns: In The Words Of Ric Ocasek In The Khakis Section Of Old Navy, I Guess My Pants Are Just Pleated

Ever heard the saying, “You aren’t supposed to rob the bank on the corner next to that hipster coffee shop that’s across the street from the old coffee shop that opened up like 10 years ago but now no one really goes there except for the people that work in the building above it and are running late for a meeting so they just pop in really quick instead of walking across the street to the cool coffee shop, especially because they had that awkward conversation there with that cute, tattooed barista chick last week where he tried to ask her out but had cream cheese on his cheek when he went up for a refill and she called him out but still kinda smiled, but it was that kind of ambiguous smile where he can’t tell if she was smiling like ‘aw, cute’ or like ‘haha, look at this d-bag with cream cheese on his face wearing his pleated khakis’ even though it was laundry day and those were the only pants he had that were clean and besides that he didn’t realize they were pleated until he got them home after he bought them on sale and tore the tags off so he couldn’t return them? Even though they were in the stack of flat-front khakis?”

Yeah, don’t rob that bank because the cool, tattooed barista chick might do her banking there and be able to identify you because you somehow managed to forget to do laundry AGAIN and are wearing those tell-tale khaki pants. Not to mention the trademark cream cheese schmeer on your creepy clown, robber mask.

No? That’s not a saying? Wait, what were we talking about?

A series of questions:

  1. Why does Denzel look like an old blues singer?
  2. Is this The Other Guys 2?
  3. Where’s Will Ferrell?
  4. Did you know the heist movie featuring creepy robber masks was still a thing?
  5. And finally—why do actors ALWAYS FLINCH when they shoot the prop gun full of blanks?

MarkyMark_flinch

Jesus, Marky Mark, sack the fuck up.

I wanna dedicate this review to my dick. Thank you and have a blessed day.

In theaters August 2.

Subscribe to Scene Missing and we’ll dedicate a review to your inbox’s dick. Or whatever you got going on down there.

Grand Theft Auto V – Trevor: Bilbo Baggins Would Have Never Left Me Behind When He Became A Junior Counselor

Grand Theft Auto V – Trevor: Bilbo Baggins Would Have Never Left Me Behind When He Became A Junior Counselor

In my whole life, I’ve only met one person named Trevor. He was a tall, gangly kid, with spindly, twig-like legs that, when I think back on them now, remind me of a crane.

Although in that summer before I entered the sixth grade, I’m pretty sure I didn’t know what a crane was. I went to four different schools in my elementary school career, and I somehow missed out on the class in which cranes were discussed.

Castlevania – Lords of Shadow 2: The Only Thing That Sucks Harder Than Dracula At Dollywood Is Joyful Noise

Castlevania – Lords of Shadow 2: The Only Thing That Sucks Harder Than Dracula At Dollywood Is Joyful Noise

Dracula sure knows how to swing a whip, doesn’t he? I used to have a whip I played with as a kid. Probably around the time the first Castlevania game came out. My grandparents bought the whip for me at a Cherokee Indian Reservation close to Gatlinburg, Tennessee. We were headed to the Smoky Mountains, but I wanted to go to Dollywood.

Before Midnight: These Days You Have To Get On Grindr If You Want To Show A Welsh Guy Your Cookies

Before Midnight: These Days You Have To Get On Grindr If You Want To Show A Welsh Guy Your Cookies

It was March 1996, I was 19, and my Telnet chat-based gay flirtation was a-coming my way from Wales on a Tuesday. What Welsh Guy wanted of me was to talk and talk and talk about ourselves and what we believed in and what our dreams were and “Gosh, they sure do put a lot of ice in drinks here in the States,” and to give me two weeks of wonderful, beautiful first kisses that now feel sepia-toned and underscored with violins.

The Order – 1886: In Another World, You’re Reading This In The Shadow Of My Castle

The Order – 1886: In Another World, You’re Reading This In The Shadow Of My Castle

I’m a sucker for alternate realities. Hell, I can’t grow the faintest hint of beard stubble without feeling like Spock from the “Mirror, Mirror” episode of Star Trek (or Evil Abed from “The Darkest Timeline” on Community).

I especially love alternate-reality mash-ups. That kid who spent hours having his G.I. Joe action figures storm the Death Star? That was me. When the kids on my block were torn between playing Cowboys & Indians or Star Wars, I was the one who said, “Let’s do both!”

inFAMOUS – Second Son: Usually I Wish For Naked Women, Not On Them

inFAMOUS – Second Son: Usually I Wish For Naked Women, Not On Them

Looks like the hero in inFAMOUS: Second Son is a graffiti artist in addition to having superpowers. I never got into graffiti, but one of my friends used to tag “JungleKid” all over Atlanta back in 2000.

Toxic: When An Episode Of South Park Made Me Abandon What I Loved

Toxic: When An Episode Of South Park Made Me Abandon What I Loved

I remember the first time I saw Britney Spears. She was featured in a special section of the Delia’s catalogue I always looked through and never ordered from when I was in seventh grade.

In the following years, I would grow up, so would she, and I would follow her every step. She was mine, my star, and everything about her was mine to know. I once bought two copies of the “Oops!…I Did It Again” album just to make sure I was doing my part to boost her sales in the first week the album was released. I own a copy of Crossroads on DVD, y’all.

Under The Dome: Like Sleeping With A Thousand Stephen Kings Under A Blanket The Size Of Atlanta

Under The Dome: Like Sleeping With A Thousand Stephen Kings Under A Blanket The Size Of Atlanta

Close your eyes. I’m going to take you on an imaginary journey through a bizarre and troubling scenario, and I think you’ll want to conjure the vividest image possible. So, close your eyes, please, and we’ll set the scene.

Are they closed? Really? I know you’re reading this. Unless you’ve got translucent eyelids, which would be freaky as fuck, your eyes are clearly not closed.

V/H/S/2: People Will Still Follow You Anywhere If You Know How To Play The Flute

V/H/S/2: People Will Still Follow You Anywhere If You Know How To Play The Flute

Back in the 90’s, an acquaintance of mine started dating an older woman, and she made him get rid of his cardboard box full of unlabeled VHS porn movies. I guess she didn’t want any smutty tapes ruining her May-December romance. Although, if she’d really wanted them out of his life for good, she’d have waved a magnet over the box and erased them.

Superman II: They Just Don’t Throw Kids Off Buildings Like They Used To

Superman II: They Just Don’t Throw Kids Off Buildings Like They Used To

My fear of heights started in a movie theater on my fifth birthday at a showing of Superman II.

At first, it was all unreal fun—Lex Luthor had hair even though my dad told me that he wasn’t supposed to, and the crazy, short-haired Krypton lady with eye makeup and shoulder pads who looked like a Kryptonian real estate agent threw people around until folks wised up and kneeled before Zod.

And then came Niagara Falls.

Redemption: Hopefully God Redeemed Me Once I Explained the Green Apple Jolly Rancher Was Part of My Halloween Stash from the Start

Redemption: Hopefully God Redeemed Me Once I Explained the Green Apple Jolly Rancher Was Part of My Halloween Stash from the Start

Because I grew up eating Southern Baptist guilt for Sunday brunch, I felt like I needed to request God’s forgiveness for everything. My nightly prayers comprised a litany of offenses – anything from making fun of my teacher’s pronunciation of the date (Mondee, Tuesdee, Wednesdee, etc.) to stealing a diary key from a boutique and burying it in my backyard. I convulsed on my bed sobbing, desperate for redemption.

Riddick – Rule The Dark: Vin Diesel Has Also Vowed Not To Achieve Buddhahood Until All Cars Are Fast And Furious

Riddick – Rule The Dark: Vin Diesel Has Also Vowed Not To Achieve Buddhahood Until All Cars Are Fast And Furious

Boy, that Riddick gets into a lot of scrapes, doesn’t he? I almost got into a fight myself the other day.

A guy in an American Apparel tank top and lime green sunglasses yelled, “You can’t park for shit!” at me from his car, then sped off in a cowardly (yet stylish) fashion. How threatening could I have looked? I was holding toilet paper from CVS and an iPad charger I was returning to Verizon. Stand and fight me, American Apparel guy! I will crush your cool shades beneath my Cottonelle!