Archive for: July, 2013

As I Lay Dying: Step Up To Free Laundry, Man-Child

As I Lay Dying: Step Up To Free Laundry, Man-Child

In which Jason and Ian Belknap review the trailer for As I Lay Dying.

JASON

Hi, Ian. Can I be honest with you? I’ve never even read As I Lay Dying. So I don’t know who’s going to lay dying in this thing. James Franco, maybe? He seems like he’d be good at laying down and dying.

300 – Rise of an Empire: Rise Of The Itty Bitty Titty Committee

300 – Rise of an Empire: Rise Of The Itty Bitty Titty Committee

Artemisia, Queen of Halicarnassus, saunters up to Xerxes and breathily declares, “I will attack the Greeks… with my entire navy.” Oh Artemisia, you don’t need an entire navy. Every modern girl knows that a flash of boob is all that is needed here to paralyze the opposition. (Did you learn nothing from the way you were reviewed in The Dreamers?)

Watch Dogs: God Will Give You Blood To Drink And Cracklins To Pray Into

Watch Dogs: God Will Give You Blood To Drink And Cracklins To Pray Into

In which Jason and Randy Osborne review the trailer for Watch Dogs.

JASON

Hey, Randy.

I wonder what it’s like to have people eat sushi off your naked body. The lady in the trailer for Watch Dogs seems pretty bored with it. She might as well be playing Candy Crush on her phone. Kind of looks like they just threw a bunch of sushi rolls on her butt and called it a day.

WatchDogs_sushi_2

She’s probably lying there thinking, “Well, guess I’m a plate now. Nothing left to do but lie perfectly still and let this creepy businessman do his thing. This is fine mess you’ve gotten us into, nudity.”

Trying To Snapchat A Possum Is How Nick Fury Lost An Eye In The First Place: Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Trying To Snapchat A Possum Is How Nick Fury Lost An Eye In The First Place: Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

In which Jason and Laura Relyea review the trailer for Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D..

JASON

Looks like Agent Coulson from The Avengers was playing possum this whole time! I don’t blame him, though. It’s probably fun to fake your own funeral. Hell, it’s probably fun just being a possum.

Last week I found a possum behind my apartment complex when I was walking my dog. We all froze at the same time and looked at each other. The possum didn’t even have the common courtesy to perceive me as a threat and play dead.

Then again, maybe I’m the one who should have played dead for his benefit. Possums would probably appreciate it now and again if somebody else would pretend to die for a change.

“Oh, shit,” I thought. “I gotta Instagram this possum!”

The Second Annual Vouched Birthday: Like Losing Your Hand To Your Father On Cloud City, But With Cake

The Second Annual Vouched Birthday: Like Losing Your Hand To Your Father On Cloud City, But With Cake

In which Scene Missing Contributor Johnny Carroll interviews Laura Relyea of Vouched Books about The Second Annual Vouched Birthday.

It’s pretty well known that sequels are usually worse than their original film, but there are a few exceptions to the rule. The Empire Strikes Back, Aliens and Terminator 2 top my list of films that Hollywood felt like needed a franchise, but like Johnny Depp in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies we too like beating a dead horse with new renditions of the same idea.

Mannequin Two – On the Move: I, For One, Welcome Our New Mannequin Overlord

Mannequin Two – On the Move: I, For One, Welcome Our New Mannequin Overlord

In which Jason and Bobbin Wages review the trailer for Mannequin Two: On the Move.

JASON

Hi, Bobbin. Is it just me, or does Meshach Taylor’s “Hollywood Montrose” character in Mannequin Two: On the Move have too many mannequins coming to life at his place of business? How does he get any work done over the constant rotation of Starship’s “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now”?

The Princess Bride: Universal Life Church Will Also Provide Virtual Hag To Boo You If You Treat True Love Like Garbage In The Fire Swamp

The Princess Bride: Universal Life Church Will Also Provide Virtual Hag To Boo You If You Treat True Love Like Garbage In The Fire Swamp

Not a lot of people know this, but in addition to being a writer, a television and videogame writer/producer, a dog mom to Wallace*, and general troublemaker, I am not left handed. But I am an ordained minister. For real.

Miracle On 34th Street: Richard Attenborough Still Insisting Jurassic Park Also Metaphor For Gay Rights

Miracle On 34th Street: Richard Attenborough Still Insisting Jurassic Park Also Metaphor For Gay Rights

I might never have my own wedding, because I cannot dance the Electric Slide. With my cerebral palsy, arthritic hip and lack of physical rhythm, it looks like people should be hosting a telethon around me whenever I dance.