Archive for: August, 2013

Where’s The Button On Yelp For “Doesn’t Honor Pancakes?” A Review Of The Trailer For Thor: The Dark World

Where’s The Button On Yelp For “Doesn’t Honor Pancakes?” A Review Of The Trailer For Thor: The Dark World

Wow, Thor just hit that giant in the face with his magic hammer and turned him into a pile of rocks.

thor_giant

I had a run-in of my own with a giant last weekend, at the Zaxby’s near my house. I’ve been trying to eat at this particular Zaxby’s as much as I can before it becomes Poncified. Poncification is the process in which the baked-into-the-pavement entropy on Atlanta’s Ponce de Leon Avenue mixes with the Skid-Rowvian desperation in the air and seeps into nearby businesses and homes.

I Would Love A Painting Of My Butt Playing Golf: A Review Of The Trailer For Grand Theft Auto V – Franklin

I Would Love A Painting Of My Butt Playing Golf: A Review Of The Trailer For Grand Theft Auto V – Franklin

In which Jason and Patrick Best review the trailer for Grand Theft Auto V: Franklin.

JASON

Hey, Patrick.

I don’t mean to sound like I’m some kind of digital booty snob, but the strippers’ butts in this Grand Theft Auto V trailer don’t seem to be much of an improvement over the ones in Grand Theft Auto IV. Kind of feels like they just went with the butt renderings they already had instead of updating the algorithms (assgorithms?).

These butts need to get with the times! If Michelangelo had sculpted David with an ass like the ones in GTA V, he’d have been laughed out of the Sistine Chapel. Did Rockstar Games work on their butt design at all in the last five years? If I’d been drawing butts every day for the last five years, you better believe I’d be running around right now showing everybody the best drawing of a butt they’ve ever seen.

So Much Signal There’s No Noise To Keep You Focused: A Review Of The Trailer For Grand Theft Auto V – Michael

So Much Signal There’s No Noise To Keep You Focused: A Review Of The Trailer For Grand Theft Auto V – Michael

In which Jason and Mat Catastrophe review the trailer for Grand Theft Auto V: Michael.

JASON
Hey, Mat.

Looks like our Grand Theft Auto V mobster has a few issues to work out with his therapist. He can’t choose between the chaos of a life of crime and the stability of being a family man. You know, the real Grand Theft Auto is the grand theft of his autonomy to be a criminal.

That’d be a good New Yorker cartoon caption, right? Maybe a guy in a burglar mask on a therapist’s couch could say it. Or the therapist could say it to his lady companion as they observe the thief from the sidewalk as he tries to jimmy a car door open with a coat hanger, tongue halfway out of his mouth. Come to think of it, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anyone in a New Yorker cartoon stick out their tongue. Do the people in the world of New Yorker cartoons even have tongues? I guess they just open their mouths and serif fonts just spill right out.

Commando:  Let Me Say A Word Or Two About Freedom Williams

Commando: Let Me Say A Word Or Two About Freedom Williams

In which Tony Jenkins and Bryan Cole review the trailer for Commando.

BRYAN
“Let’s party”…

Hell yeah, let’s party. Speaking of which, did you see how buff Freddie Mercury was there? Hard to believe he died of AIDS just a few years later… Or was it still called GRID then? Either way, dude really knew how to take it to ol’ Arnie.

I’m kinda amazed that no one talks about his performance in this movie. Do you think he and the Arnz became blood brothers on the set? Why was that such a thing back in the 80s? Blood brothers…what the fuck?!

Planes: Dancing Directly Adjacent To Buzz Lightyear

Planes: Dancing Directly Adjacent To Buzz Lightyear

The staff at this inflatable-bouncy-stuff-ball-pit place would really like my kid to think she’s dancing with Buzz Lightyear, just like Disney would like us to believe that Planes is a real Pixar movie.

Actually, the staff would like the little boy celebrating his birthday to think it’s really Buzz Lightyear, whereas with my daughter, they would probably prefer if she stuck with the party she’s supposed to be attending rather than horning in on yet another little kid’s moment in the spotlight. It’s bad enough that Stella already crashed a little girl’s birthday dance earlier, repeatedly cutting in on every kid who tried to dance with Hello Kitty. The remarkably patient employee sweating inside the Hello Kitty costume would indulge Stella for a moment, give her a patient pat on the head, and then turn to another kid, only to meet Stella, who had rushed around to grab Kitty’s paws yet again.

Mad Max Can Also Sink A Putt-Putt Ball Through Abraham Lincoln’s Legs In One Stroke

Mad Max Can Also Sink A Putt-Putt Ball Through Abraham Lincoln’s Legs In One Stroke

When the world becomes a hellish, post-apocalyptic wasteland, and society has devolved into a brutal, Darwinian struggle for survival, making time for exercise will be more important than ever. Sure, we’ll have all those fierce car chases, blazing gun battles and vicious bouts of hand-to-hand combat to get out heart rates up. And a very lucky few among us will even get to compete in the Thunderdome, where two men enter, but only one man leaves. Even so, I’m sure that the fitness experts in this sandblasted future will agree that nothing beats a nice, brisk walk.