Archive for: November, 2013

Keep Stabbing Things Until All Your Problems Are Solved: Thoughts On Brotherhood And “Hercules: The Legend Begins”

Keep Stabbing Things Until All Your Problems Are Solved: Thoughts On Brotherhood And “Hercules: The Legend Begins”

There is no tale more beautiful, no story more telling of humanity’s earthbound struggles, than that of two brothers, locked in eternal conflict as they embark on a rage quest to see which one can murder the other first and dominate the woman they’ve each claimed as their own.

Don’t Ask What The F Stands For: A Passionate Entreaty To The Omnicorp Board Of Directors On The Subject Of The New Robocop

Don’t Ask What The F Stands For: A Passionate Entreaty To The Omnicorp Board Of Directors On The Subject Of The New Robocop

[The following text is taken from the official transcript of the OmniCorp Board of Directors’ annual meeting in New York, N.Y., on Nov. 25, 2013, into which a wild-eyed Kevin Forest Moreau barged, uninvited.]

Esteemed members of the OmniCorp Board of Directors:

I present to you Alex Murphy. Husband. Father. Robocop. A franchise barely alive, following a couple of so-so sequels, a TV series no one saw, and even a cartoon. We can rebuild him, to once again serve as a cutting-edge commentary on aggressive police tactics, corrupt corporations, sensationalistic media and—to add some modern-day topicality—drone warfare.

Jesus Won’t Mind If I Set You Ablaze: “Mortal Kombat” And My First Taste Of Moonshine

Jesus Won’t Mind If I Set You Ablaze: “Mortal Kombat” And My First Taste Of Moonshine

Lizzie Lee Johnson woke up with the sun, same as she had every day for 82 years. When she realized she wasn’t dreaming anymore, she spent a few minutes talking to Jesus, asking him to take care of her family and thanking him for another day above ground. She got out of bed and combed her hair. She dressed quickly in yesterday’s clothes: a floral print long sleeve top, polyester slacks, and a pair of white Keds.

She looked the same every day.

Making Bets To Make Bets: Layers Of Derivation In “Grand Theft Auto Online”

Making Bets To Make Bets: Layers Of Derivation In “Grand Theft Auto Online”

I’m going to start like this: I saw Ke$ha live once. Worse: I woke up at 4 a.m. and waited in Rockefeller Center in a puddle of glitter sprinkled off clusters of Midwestern teenagers who had woken even earlier to see Ke$ha, to see Ke$ha.

ke$ha

Don’t Hold Your Breath: Considering The The Psychological Aftermath Of “LadyHawke”

Don’t Hold Your Breath: Considering The The Psychological Aftermath Of “LadyHawke”

In an interview with the Telegraph last week, Michelle Pfeiffer admitted that she was briefly involved with a cult back in the early 80s. I love the idea of tiny, ethereal Michelle gargling ram’s blood, branding initiates, and banging a gong while supervising subterranean orgies, but it wasn’t that kind of a cult. It wasn’t a cool cult.

The Song Goes Back To The Skeleton: Questions About Heaven Raised By “What Dreams May Come”

The Song Goes Back To The Skeleton: Questions About Heaven Raised By “What Dreams May Come”

In which Jason and Bobbin Wages discuss the trailer for What Dreams May Come.

JASON

Hi, Bobbin.

You know what a good superpower would be? The ability to take a song that’s stuck in your head, and put it back in the head of the person that wrote it. Send it back to the source, as it were. “Return to sender!” as Elvis would say. Or as he would hear over and over again in his own head, if I had my way. I wonder how my new superpower would work if the songwriter was dead. The song goes back to their skeleton, I suppose, to play out of their skull.

There Goes The Neighborhood: Excerpts From The Diary Of NASA’s Curiosity Mars Rover During The Government Shutdown

There Goes The Neighborhood: Excerpts From The Diary Of NASA’s Curiosity Mars Rover During The Government Shutdown

Oct 2, 2013
Dear logbook,

I haven’t heard from NASA in 2 days. Normally, I wouldn’t complain. Everyone needs time off, right? However, usually they’re polite enough to give some warning. Normally, I get some sort of explanation for the silence. But this time? Nothing. Not a damn thing. No “Hey, Curiosity. How’s it going? Thanks for discovering WATER ON MARS. By the way, we’re going to take a few days off, and waste your more than valuable time while we go have some sort of nerd-fueled frat party with Wil Wheaton and Sandra Bullock.”