Jason Mallory

Hooray for DragonCity

September 8, 2010
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My friends and I always joke about how we wish we lived in a city where DragonCon never ended. DragonCity, we call it. A city full of Stormtroopers and goths in steampunk goggles, the kind of place where you might see a slutty Batman. A city where you can walk with beer in hand among [...]

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DragonCon 2010 photos

September 6, 2010
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Yeah, that’s right. Look how many David Tennants that is. That’s two more than even David Tennant’s wife sees on a day to day basis. She’s like, “you need to get those other two Doctor Who looking sons of bitches out of here. They used up all the pinstriped suits! Leaving their sonic screwdrivers all [...]

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Dexter | Season 4

September 1, 2010
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Much like a guy in a gorilla suit in a Master P video, John Lithgow slam dunks his performance as the Trinity Killer with a basketball made of crazy into a hoop made of his sister’s ashes. Gold tank rolls onto court, confetti falls. Master P makes everyone say Uggghhhhhh. Am I crazy or did [...]

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The Time Traveler’s Wife

August 30, 2010
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Eric Bana is naked every time he uncontrollably leaps around in time, like if Quantum Leap starred a bachelorette party stripper. Did any of you ladies need something put right that once went wrong? Speaking of stripping, me and some friends were trying to find bad movies to watch on Netflix and we settled on [...]

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Invention Round Up: Ice and Cream Edition

August 27, 2010
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INVENTION 1 THE XBOX CONTROLLER/HOMEMADE ICE CREAM MAKER How do you eat ice cream out of it? Hold the Xbox controller above your head and press “I”. For iced cream, the most delicious of all the creams. Vanilla, chocolate, butterscotch. It doesn’t matter, this thing can make it. Is it an ice cream flavor? Yes, [...]

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Where Even the Water is Death (Red Dead Redemption)

August 25, 2010
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The first person I met in Red Dead Redemption’s multiplayer mode shot me dead where I stood. I took two steps toward him like a newborn baby and he pumped me full of lead. I had entered Red Dead Redemption’s Free Roam area, where you can ride a donkey around and interact with strangers on [...]

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Star Wars: The Force Unleashed

August 23, 2010
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Starkiller from Star Wars: The Force Unleashed looks a little like my old college roommate, who coincidentally used to shoplift little Star Wars figures from Wal-Mart. Hey look what I got, he’d say in the parking lot. He’d open up his hand and it would be full of little Banthas or Wookies or tiny Han [...]

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Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian

August 20, 2010
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In Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, Ben Stiller’s kid gets the floor plans of the Smithsonian’s underground federal archives from the Smithsonian website. I went to the Smithsonian website and didn’t see any links for “detailed maps to a literal treasure vault of our most valuable and important works of art”. I did [...]

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Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

August 18, 2010
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I had a dream the other night my girlfriend’s cat was a Jedi. He wore a little brown robe. He spun around in the air with his miniature lightsaber. He fought with his back claws. My girlfriend pointed out that if he were a Jedi in real life, he’d lay on his back and use [...]

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Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell: Conviction

August 16, 2010
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I bet when Tom Clancy pours gravy on his mashed potatoes, it’s out of a pistol. He keeps the butter in a pair of military issue binoculars. And instead of napkins he dabs his mouth with a manila folder full of CIA classified documents. Also, he eats dinner in the dark wearing thermal goggles. When [...]

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