All posts by Jason Mallory

Make America Grimace Again: A Review of Trump’s McDonald’s Commercial

Make America Grimace Again: A Review of Trump’s McDonald’s Commercial

In which Jason Mallory and Chris Alonzo review Donald Trump’s McDonald’s Commercial from 2002

JASON

That’s right, Chris—future President Donald Trump is holding a private meeting with McDonaldland’s arguably dumbest resident Grimace in his office at the top of Trump Tower. He seems to think that Grimace is responsible for McDonald’s pricing and business strategy?!

I Hope Yuh Comprehend—A Review of Simply Red’s “Stars”

I Hope Yuh Comprehend—A Review of Simply Red’s “Stars”

In which Jason and The Tusk’s Nate Waggoner send their future into clearer dimensions by reviewing the video for Simply Red’s Stars.

JASON

Hey Nate! I wanna fall from the stars straight into YOUR arms! Just like that Red Bull astronaut. Remember him? Felix Baumgartner literally fell 128,000 feet from the stars and he didn’t have the common courtesy to aim for the lead singer of Simply Red!

Introducing The Henchies™ Featuring Jason and Julian

Introducing The Henchies™ Featuring Jason and Julian

This essay was originally performed live at our Disney-themed variety show Scene Missing Presents WALTLANTA

JASON
Hey, Julian! I’m so glad we could finally do a Scene Missing featuring live performances based on our favorite animated characters…the Minions! Scene Minion presents Minionlanta! And I REALLY appreciate you getting your name legally changed to Jul-minion Miniondugno just for the event! People said I was crazy for hiring a Justice of the Peace to stand around in the lobby before the show. People also said I was crazy for making him dress like a Minion.

Letter from the Editor: I Can Clearly See Your Nuts

Letter from the Editor: I Can Clearly See Your Nuts

I want to start by saying that you are the greatest readers who ever lived, even better than the readers who are buried in King Tut’s Tomb. King Tut insisted on being buried with anyone who ever laughed at one of his jokes, so I guess if you laugh at one of my jokes today, and I become a pharaoh, then I’ll probably want to be buried with you in my tomb.

Screeee Hello To My Little Friend!

Screeee Hello To My Little Friend!

JASON

Hey, Bobbin. I am totally ready to start this essay with you, and I am definitely going to stay on topic, so if I start to ramble just give me a good solid jab with your finger! Like a witch jabbing a chubby kid that she’s thinking about putting into a cauldron.

A Burning Shrek Of Fire

A Burning Shrek Of Fire

BOBBIN

Jason, I would love to start this essay, but I cannot concentrate per the bagpipes blaring outside my home office. The second Wednesday of every month, a coterie of elderly men convenes across the street at the Atlanta Burns Cottage, a historic clubhouse replicating Robert Burns’ Scottish childhood abode. Built in 1911, the cottage houses monthly Burns Club meetings, where members celebrate the life and work of this 18th century poet. Chauvinistically per tradition, though, the club only accepts male Burns enthusiasts.

To Coach A Mockingbird

To Coach A Mockingbird

BOBBIN

In summer 2013, Atlanta home values skyrocketed, increasing by 17% on average. My landlord decided to put her house on the market and kick my husband and me out despite our flawless rental history. I arrived home one evening to find all the shades open, my favorite coffee mug broken, and my vibrator lying in the middle of the bedroom floor. Apparently a professional photographer had trudged through the house taking pictures for the online listing. Did the wayward dildo make the bedroom look more peaceful? I don’t understand the artist’s logic.

Ol’ Bighead Strikes Again: On How To Correctly Pronounce “Chipotle”

Ol’ Bighead Strikes Again: On How To Correctly Pronounce “Chipotle”

In which Jason and Atlanta writer/raconteur Randy Osborne discuss the proper way to pronounce “Chipotle.”

Cue The End Of Childhood: On So So Def Records, Alternate Dimensions, And Onion Booty

Cue The End Of Childhood: On So So Def Records, Alternate Dimensions, And Onion Booty

In which Jason and Atlanta writer Brooke Hatfield discuss famous Atlanta Southern hip hop, R&B and bass record label So So Def Recordings.

JASON
Hey, Brooke—and welcome to the first annual Scene Missing So So Def Bass All-Stars Conversation! Let’s meet back here this time every year and talk about So So Def Records, okay? And we’ll make a deal that if neither one of us is married by the time we’re 40, one of us has to marry Jermaine Dupri.

The Song Goes Back To The Skeleton: Questions About Heaven Raised By “What Dreams May Come”

The Song Goes Back To The Skeleton: Questions About Heaven Raised By “What Dreams May Come”

In which Jason and Bobbin Wages discuss the trailer for What Dreams May Come.

JASON

Hi, Bobbin.

You know what a good superpower would be? The ability to take a song that’s stuck in your head, and put it back in the head of the person that wrote it. Send it back to the source, as it were. “Return to sender!” as Elvis would say. Or as he would hear over and over again in his own head, if I had my way. I wonder how my new superpower would work if the songwriter was dead. The song goes back to their skeleton, I suppose, to play out of their skull.

The Real Witchcraft Was Making A Pot-Bellied Jack Nicholson Seem Like A Viable Candidate For A Foursome: A Review Of The Trailer For “The Witches Of Eastwick”

The Real Witchcraft Was Making A Pot-Bellied Jack Nicholson Seem Like A Viable Candidate For A Foursome: A Review Of The Trailer For “The Witches Of Eastwick”

In which Jason and Nick Tecosky of WRITE CLUB Atlanta review the trailer for The Witches Of Eastwick.

JASON

Hi, Nick.

Was dating in the 80’s so difficult that women had to resort to witchcraft? I guess being a modern single lady isn’t so bad after all!

Holding A Butt With A Dead Man’s Hand: Waiting For The Light To Turn With Big Sean’s “Dance (A$$) Remix Ft. Nicki Minaj”

Holding A Butt With A Dead Man’s Hand: Waiting For The Light To Turn With Big Sean’s “Dance (A$$) Remix Ft. Nicki Minaj”

I’m waiting to turn left on the corner of Freedom Parkway and Ponce de Leon Avenue, when a man approaches my car and taps on my window. He motions for me to roll my window down. I just look at him. I don’t even turn down the radio, so he scowls and continues to move his lips soundlessly on the other side of the glass, as I continue to say, “What? What?!”

Like A PayPal Made Of Guns: A Review Of The Trailer For “The Secret Of The Sword”

Like A PayPal Made Of Guns: A Review Of The Trailer For “The Secret Of The Sword”

In which Jason and Chris Alonzo review the trailer for The Secret Of The Sword.

JASON

Hey, Chris.

Did you notice that the world of He-Man and She-Ra seems like a violent, Cormac McCarthyian place? Every character in The Secret Of The Sword seems to be shooting a laser, firing a crossbow, or clanging a sword against something. People seem to literally be firing wildly into the air at all times on Eternia. At one point someone fires a bolt of energy at an unarmed king seated at a dinner table. Is there no cornbread for old kings?!