All posts by Bobbin Wages

Screeee Hello To My Little Friend!

Screeee Hello To My Little Friend!

JASON

Hey, Bobbin. I am totally ready to start this essay with you, and I am definitely going to stay on topic, so if I start to ramble just give me a good solid jab with your finger! Like a witch jabbing a chubby kid that she’s thinking about putting into a cauldron.

A Burning Shrek Of Fire

A Burning Shrek Of Fire

BOBBIN

Jason, I would love to start this essay, but I cannot concentrate per the bagpipes blaring outside my home office. The second Wednesday of every month, a coterie of elderly men convenes across the street at the Atlanta Burns Cottage, a historic clubhouse replicating Robert Burns’ Scottish childhood abode. Built in 1911, the cottage houses monthly Burns Club meetings, where members celebrate the life and work of this 18th century poet. Chauvinistically per tradition, though, the club only accepts male Burns enthusiasts.

To Coach A Mockingbird

To Coach A Mockingbird

BOBBIN

In summer 2013, Atlanta home values skyrocketed, increasing by 17% on average. My landlord decided to put her house on the market and kick my husband and me out despite our flawless rental history. I arrived home one evening to find all the shades open, my favorite coffee mug broken, and my vibrator lying in the middle of the bedroom floor. Apparently a professional photographer had trudged through the house taking pictures for the online listing. Did the wayward dildo make the bedroom look more peaceful? I don’t understand the artist’s logic.

Tain’t Misbehavin: How My Husband’s Taint Helped Me Achieve Self-Actualization

Tain’t Misbehavin: How My Husband’s Taint Helped Me Achieve Self-Actualization

In any given group social gathering, a conversational lull is bound to occur. Someone in the group pulls a new topic out of his/her butt and steers the conversation in a totally different direction. I feel like I always end up being that person. Lately I’ve gotten in the habit of reinvigorating dying conversations by using the same old segue: showing everyone in the group a picture of my husband Ryan’s taint. By showing everyone in the group a picture of my husband Ryan’s taint, I help establish that we’re on the same page and share common goals and dreams. That’s what Ryan’s taint does to people. It’s the glue. It’s the tie that binds. It’s like Xanax.

The Song Goes Back To The Skeleton: Questions About Heaven Raised By “What Dreams May Come”

The Song Goes Back To The Skeleton: Questions About Heaven Raised By “What Dreams May Come”

In which Jason and Bobbin Wages discuss the trailer for What Dreams May Come.

JASON

Hi, Bobbin.

You know what a good superpower would be? The ability to take a song that’s stuck in your head, and put it back in the head of the person that wrote it. Send it back to the source, as it were. “Return to sender!” as Elvis would say. Or as he would hear over and over again in his own head, if I had my way. I wonder how my new superpower would work if the songwriter was dead. The song goes back to their skeleton, I suppose, to play out of their skull.

Mannequin Two – On the Move: I, For One, Welcome Our New Mannequin Overlord

Mannequin Two – On the Move: I, For One, Welcome Our New Mannequin Overlord

In which Jason and Bobbin Wages review the trailer for Mannequin Two: On the Move.

JASON

Hi, Bobbin. Is it just me, or does Meshach Taylor’s “Hollywood Montrose” character in Mannequin Two: On the Move have too many mannequins coming to life at his place of business? How does he get any work done over the constant rotation of Starship’s “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now”?

Redemption: Hopefully God Redeemed Me Once I Explained the Green Apple Jolly Rancher Was Part of My Halloween Stash from the Start

Redemption: Hopefully God Redeemed Me Once I Explained the Green Apple Jolly Rancher Was Part of My Halloween Stash from the Start

Because I grew up eating Southern Baptist guilt for Sunday brunch, I felt like I needed to request God’s forgiveness for everything. My nightly prayers comprised a litany of offenses – anything from making fun of my teacher’s pronunciation of the date (Mondee, Tuesdee, Wednesdee, etc.) to stealing a diary key from a boutique and burying it in my backyard. I convulsed on my bed sobbing, desperate for redemption.

Filth: Please Remember Me As The Teenage Christina Ricci Fondling Devon Sawas Hair And Not The Snout-Nosed Christina Ricci Who Kisses Vagrants

Filth: Please Remember Me As The Teenage Christina Ricci Fondling Devon Sawas Hair And Not The Snout-Nosed Christina Ricci Who Kisses Vagrants

I’ve noticed that James McAvoy treats women like pigs in a lot of films. [Ed note: Which explains why he keeps writing “Some Pig” in a spider web above many actresses’ heads in his movies.]

The most literal example I can think of is Penelope, starring Christina Ricci as a girl cursed with a pig nose and McAvoy, a vagrant who doesn’t kiss Ricci until the curse is broken. Ricci dates him anyway, and the movie ends with them swinging on a hill while Sigur Rós’ “Hoppípolla” plays in the background. Little do they know that the last line translates to “I get a nosebleed, but I’ll always stand up again.” To me, this insinuates that McAvoy falls off the swing and busts his nose, leaving both characters with new snouts. [Ed note: Aren’t most Sigur Rós songs about getting new snouts?]