All posts by Bryan Cole

Commando:  Let Me Say A Word Or Two About Freedom Williams

Commando: Let Me Say A Word Or Two About Freedom Williams

In which Tony Jenkins and Bryan Cole review the trailer for Commando.

BRYAN
“Let’s party”…

Hell yeah, let’s party. Speaking of which, did you see how buff Freddie Mercury was there? Hard to believe he died of AIDS just a few years later… Or was it still called GRID then? Either way, dude really knew how to take it to ol’ Arnie.

I’m kinda amazed that no one talks about his performance in this movie. Do you think he and the Arnz became blood brothers on the set? Why was that such a thing back in the 80s? Blood brothers…what the fuck?!

2 Guns: In The Words Of Ric Ocasek In The Khakis Section Of Old Navy, I Guess My Pants Are Just Pleated

2 Guns: In The Words Of Ric Ocasek In The Khakis Section Of Old Navy, I Guess My Pants Are Just Pleated

Ever heard the saying, “You aren’t supposed to rob the bank on the corner next to that hipster coffee shop that’s across the street from the old coffee shop that opened up like 10 years ago but now no one really goes there except for the people that work in the building above it and are running late for a meeting so they just pop in really quick instead of walking across the street to the cool coffee shop, especially because they had that awkward conversation there with that cute, tattooed barista chick last week where he tried to ask her out but had cream cheese on his cheek when he went up for a refill and she called him out but still kinda smiled, but it was that kind of ambiguous smile where he can’t tell if she was smiling like ‘aw, cute’ or like ‘haha, look at this d-bag with cream cheese on his face wearing his pleated khakis’ even though it was laundry day and those were the only pants he had that were clean and besides that he didn’t realize they were pleated until he got them home after he bought them on sale and tore the tags off so he couldn’t return them? Even though they were in the stack of flat-front khakis?”

Yeah, don’t rob that bank because the cool, tattooed barista chick might do her banking there and be able to identify you because you somehow managed to forget to do laundry AGAIN and are wearing those tell-tale khaki pants. Not to mention the trademark cream cheese schmeer on your creepy clown, robber mask.

No? That’s not a saying? Wait, what were we talking about?

A series of questions:

  1. Why does Denzel look like an old blues singer?
  2. Is this The Other Guys 2?
  3. Where’s Will Ferrell?
  4. Did you know the heist movie featuring creepy robber masks was still a thing?
  5. And finally—why do actors ALWAYS FLINCH when they shoot the prop gun full of blanks?

MarkyMark_flinch

Jesus, Marky Mark, sack the fuck up.

I wanna dedicate this review to my dick. Thank you and have a blessed day.

In theaters August 2.

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SuperCapitalist

SuperCapitalist

In which Tony Jenkins and Bryan Cole review the trailer for SuperCapitalist.

BRYAN

Sooo… isn’t the point of a trailer to show a potential audience some of the premise of a movie? All I got from the trailer for “SuperCapitalist” was animated money, slo-mo dice rolling, a “Vision Quest” run across a bridge, and yelling into cell phones with some dramatic music to tie it all together. Oh, and fire-money, lots of fire-money. Call me crazy, but I don’t think a so-called “SuperCapitalist” would be caught dead running on a public, taxpayer-paved street, let alone set fire to a briefcase full of cash. Unless, of course, the dude was about to light up 10,000 cigars. In which case, that wasn’t a briefcase full of cash; that was a briefcase full of baller-matches.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

In which Tony Jenkins and Bryan Cole review the trailer for G.I. Joe: Retaliation.

TONY

I used to love playing with GI Joe action figures when I was a kid. By playing with them, I mean burning them in my family’s backyard grill, prompting my neighbors to continually ask, “Can you smell what the weird, fat kid down the street is cooking?”