All posts by Jay Hansbrough

How Many People Do You Think Are Inside Of Ben Stiller Right Now: A Review Of The Trailer For “The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty”

How Many People Do You Think Are Inside Of Ben Stiller Right Now: A Review Of The Trailer For “The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty”

Welcome to Part 2 of Winston Blake Wheeler Ward and Jay Hansbrough’s review of the trailer for The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.

Unfortunately, Part 1 of the review has been redacted by the NSA due to a long and rambling editor’s note in which Jason Mallory explains how somebody ought to make a ring you put on your esophagus that’s like Mr. Fusion in Back to the Future II, except it converts food to pure energy and nutrients and nobody ever needs to poop again, and you can use the space in your stomach for robotic upgrades. When asked for an explanation, the NSA would only disclose that they felt the note “disrupted the flow of the writing,” and was too “forward thinking.”

The discussion also included Winston’s survival tips for the apocalypse that NSA agents deemed “so Raven,” and Jay’s recipe for pecan pie that the NSA classified as “so good it’ll make you want to slap your grandmother…and illegally monitor all of her public and private communications.”

So, technically, the following should be considered Part 2 of 1.

Under The Dome: Like Sleeping With A Thousand Stephen Kings Under A Blanket The Size Of Atlanta

Under The Dome: Like Sleeping With A Thousand Stephen Kings Under A Blanket The Size Of Atlanta

Close your eyes. I’m going to take you on an imaginary journey through a bizarre and troubling scenario, and I think you’ll want to conjure the vividest image possible. So, close your eyes, please, and we’ll set the scene.

Are they closed? Really? I know you’re reading this. Unless you’ve got translucent eyelids, which would be freaky as fuck, your eyes are clearly not closed.

Ghostbusters: Ray Parker, Jr. Still Ain’t Afraid Of No Ghosts, Is Terrified Of Intimacy

Ghostbusters: Ray Parker, Jr. Still Ain’t Afraid Of No Ghosts, Is Terrified Of Intimacy

Sometimes an adult person wakes up one day to find himself in a loving, grown-up relationship with another adult person, a person who is really pretty special once you get to know her and is actually really good for the first person and has totally helped him mature a lot and get serious about starting a productive grown-up life and that, despite what the first person’s stupid idiot friends think, is not at all a horrible controlling succubus bitch who manipulates the first person’s emotions and uses them like child soldiers in an endless fucking trench war of a romantic partnership, which, now that we’re thinking about warfare analogies, likely boasts a similar body count in terms of emotional casualties as the real-life Rwandan genocide. [Ed note: Or to use a “crossing the streams” analogy, try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light, and Janine Melnitz Instagramming it. #totalprotonicreversal]