All posts by Kevin Forest Moreau

Don’t Ask What The F Stands For: A Passionate Entreaty To The Omnicorp Board Of Directors On The Subject Of The New Robocop

Don’t Ask What The F Stands For: A Passionate Entreaty To The Omnicorp Board Of Directors On The Subject Of The New Robocop

[The following text is taken from the official transcript of the OmniCorp Board of Directors’ annual meeting in New York, N.Y., on Nov. 25, 2013, into which a wild-eyed Kevin Forest Moreau barged, uninvited.]

Esteemed members of the OmniCorp Board of Directors:

I present to you Alex Murphy. Husband. Father. Robocop. A franchise barely alive, following a couple of so-so sequels, a TV series no one saw, and even a cartoon. We can rebuild him, to once again serve as a cutting-edge commentary on aggressive police tactics, corrupt corporations, sensationalistic media and—to add some modern-day topicality—drone warfare.

Mad Max Can Also Sink A Putt-Putt Ball Through Abraham Lincoln’s Legs In One Stroke

Mad Max Can Also Sink A Putt-Putt Ball Through Abraham Lincoln’s Legs In One Stroke

When the world becomes a hellish, post-apocalyptic wasteland, and society has devolved into a brutal, Darwinian struggle for survival, making time for exercise will be more important than ever. Sure, we’ll have all those fierce car chases, blazing gun battles and vicious bouts of hand-to-hand combat to get out heart rates up. And a very lucky few among us will even get to compete in the Thunderdome, where two men enter, but only one man leaves. Even so, I’m sure that the fitness experts in this sandblasted future will agree that nothing beats a nice, brisk walk.

Grand Theft Auto V – Trevor: Bilbo Baggins Would Have Never Left Me Behind When He Became A Junior Counselor

Grand Theft Auto V – Trevor: Bilbo Baggins Would Have Never Left Me Behind When He Became A Junior Counselor

In my whole life, I’ve only met one person named Trevor. He was a tall, gangly kid, with spindly, twig-like legs that, when I think back on them now, remind me of a crane.

Although in that summer before I entered the sixth grade, I’m pretty sure I didn’t know what a crane was. I went to four different schools in my elementary school career, and I somehow missed out on the class in which cranes were discussed.

The Order – 1886: In Another World, You’re Reading This In The Shadow Of My Castle

The Order – 1886: In Another World, You’re Reading This In The Shadow Of My Castle

I’m a sucker for alternate realities. Hell, I can’t grow the faintest hint of beard stubble without feeling like Spock from the “Mirror, Mirror” episode of Star Trek (or Evil Abed from “The Darkest Timeline” on Community).

I especially love alternate-reality mash-ups. That kid who spent hours having his G.I. Joe action figures storm the Death Star? That was me. When the kids on my block were torn between playing Cowboys & Indians or Star Wars, I was the one who said, “Let’s do both!”

Man of Steel: I Hope Superman’s Friends Don’t Know Which Direction To Point At The Fortress Of Solitude

Man of Steel: I Hope Superman’s Friends Don’t Know Which Direction To Point At The Fortress Of Solitude

I’m glad there’s another Man of Steel trailer, because the studios need to drum up some interest in this obscure indie gem about a little-known comic book character. “Man of Steel? Is that a sequel to Steel, the critical darling for which Shaq was awarded the Palme d’Or at Cannes, in recognition of his portrayal of both Iron Man and Thor at the same time, except he could also use his big-ass hammer as a gun?” (Come to think of it, who wouldn’t pay good money to see that? Get cracking, Hollywood! And make sure you spell my name right on the royalty checks, please.)

One Direction—This Is Us: Summoned From The Blackest Pits of Canada

One Direction—This Is Us: Summoned From The Blackest Pits of Canada

Few people outside of conspiracy-theory circles know this, but Justin Bieber was created by a certain pop singer in an attempt to bring about world peace. After all, who better to usher in an era of harmony than, well, Usher, known for his soulful, harmonious crooning? Just like Ozymandias at the end of Watchmen, Usher knew that to save the world, he had to give it a common enemy. And so, wielding the dark studio arts, he summoned from the blackest pits of Canada a sprightly young chipmunk of a lad.

“Here world,” Usher cackled. “Here is your naked Doctor Manhattan! Look upon my works, ye ladies, and despair!” Lil Jon laid an infectious groove over it, Ludacris contributed a guest rap, and “Naked Doctor Manhattan” went to the top of the charts. [Ed note: Meanwhile, the single “Girl, I’m Not Locked In Here With You, You’re Locked In Here With ME” by “Naked Rorschach” failed to sell a single copy.]

Grown Ups 2: If You See Rob Schneider Lapping Water From A Forest Stream, Hold Perfectly Still Or He Will Bound Away Into The Woods

Grown Ups 2: If You See Rob Schneider Lapping Water From A Forest Stream, Hold Perfectly Still Or He Will Bound Away Into The Woods

“You can’t go home again,” as Thomas Wolfe once titled a novel. Which isn’t strictly true. Going home means returning to a place where everyone sees you exactly as you were when you lived there. So what if you’ve grown into a handsome, successful titan of industry? At home, you’ll always be “Lil Kev,” and will never live down that one time you saw a basketball hoop in a swimming pool, yelled, “I just gotta make this hoop shot!” and proceeded to get thoroughly soaked all the way through your snazzy Members Only jacket.

The Possession

The Possession

In which Kevin Moreau and Jon Black review the trailer for The Possession.

JON

Here we have the trailer for The Possession, in which an innocent young girl is apparently, well, possessed by a dybbuk. I had to look that one up–apparently it’s an ancient Hebrew word meaning, “Yet another remake of The Exorcist except with a rabbi instead of a priest and a mysterious Hellraiser puzzle box thrown in because that’s creepy, right?”

You Sank My Battleship! Suggestions For Turning Classic Toys Into Mega-movie Franchises

It’s a little early to name the best movie of the year (hint: it ain’t Green Lantern), but it’s not too early to name my favorite movie of 2012. That would be Battleship, the naval action spectacle based on the popular Hasbro board game. With a cast that includes Liam Neeson, Brooklyn Decker and, uh, Rihanna, how could it go wrong? And did I mention the plot? According to the good folks at Wikipedia, it’s about an “international navy fleet engaged in a very dynamic and intense battle against an alien race .”

Sounds just like the popular game we all grew up with, right?

Now that we’re putting everyone’s favorite childhood memories on the table, without fretting over such inconvenient details as, oh, say, what they were really about, I have only one question.

Where do I sign up?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not just looking for a cheap buck—although if Hollywood comes calling, I’m not going to turn my nose up at any tractor-trailers carrying bags of cash with dollar signs on them, like in those old Scrooge McDuck comic books.  No, sir. If movie studios are eager to cash in on my childhood, then I have an obligation—nay, a duty—to offer my assistance. After all, as a perpetual adolescent who’s been 15 for more than 25 years, I’m their target audience.

Without further ado, here are my suggestions for pillaging strip-mining capitalizing on those favorite toys of yesteryear.

Army Men: This one’s too easy, since the video game industry has already provided us with the template: a series of games about molded-plastic combat troops doing battle against giant real-world backdrops (flowerbeds, workbenches, etc.). Forget the games’ backstory and just get to the money shot: tiny little soldiers waging bloody war across a typical suburban home, from the kitchen to the backyard.

During WWII, an elite squad of Allied soldiers (including Dennis Quaid, Bruce Willis and Brendan Fraser) infiltrates a top-secret laboratory to stop the Nazis from launching a teleportation device. Something goes horribly wrong, and Axis and Allied troops alike are transported across time and space to the home of little Timmy Burrows in Wilmington, Delaware. Oh, and they’re now like an inch tall. And throw in some cowboys and Indians while we’re at it, just to spice things up. Picture a cavalry regiment flattened by a car tire, or a mad German scientist played by Ralph Fiennes—the troops’ only hope of returning home—snatched up in the jaws of a giant housecat! It’s got franchise—and Oscar—written all over it. You know, like Lord of the Rings.

Barbie: Who else but Gwyneth Paltrow could portray this glamorous fashion model, teacher, doctor, homemaker, astronaut and President of the United States? And who else but Bradley Cooper would fill role of her love interest, vapid male model turned football star turned Wall Street trader Ken? It’s a romantic comedy, a medical drama and six different action movies rolled into one. Will their love survive the crash of the stock market, a triple heart transplant, and a terrorist attack during the Super Bowl? You’ll have to wait for the sequel.

Hot Wheels: Picture the Fast and the Furious franchise or the Smokey and the Bandit movies, without all the bothersome plot and attempts at acting. Picture dozens—no, hundreds of the sleekest, meanest machines ever built, let loose across the highways of this great land for two hours of car chases and spectacular explosions. Done! Next?

Sea Monkeys: An oil drill destroys an underwater city of humanoid fish-men, prompting all-out undersea war—in 3-D! It’s got an environmental message—like Avatar, except underwater! Liam Neeson is the lord of this ancient aquatic civilization, with Amy Adams as his impudent daughter, who falls in love with marine biologist Shia LaBeouf. The guy who plays Gollum needs to be in there somewhere, too. I think it’s a law.

Slinky: Nuclear scientist Kevin James activates a new supercollider poised to create a brand-new, clean, renewable source of energy. But oily Vince Vaughn sabotages the experiment so that his company can continue to profit from our dependence on fossil fuels. Hey, maybe it’s the same company that destroys the sea monkeys in the other movie! Anyway, the supercollider becomes a giant perpetual-motion coil of doom that, um, slinks across the country, destroying everything in its path! Alcoholic President Tom Arnold sends a team of specialists—Arnold Schwarzenegger, Joseph Gordon-Leavitt and Zooey Deschanel—to stop this helix of atomic death from… well … spiraling about. Who cares how they stop it? It’s got property damage! Explosions! And let’s add a bit of gratuitous—I mean, tasteful nudity. You know, for the foreign markets.

Spielberg, call me! And mail the checks to me care of this website.

More writing by Kevin Moreau can be found by asking a sea monkey for directions to The Island of Kevin Moreau. Photo courtesy of Amanda M Hatfield