Many people think the key to Superman’s secret identity is his glasses. Actually, it’s his cowlick. Because he goes the extra mile by actually having a cow lick his hair. Obviously, he can’t have a real cow do the licking, because that would be unseemly. He’s Superman, for chrissake, not Static Shock or The Rocketeer. He can afford to pay someone to put on a cow suit, and recreate a pastoral cow-licking scenario. Patch of grass, salt lick, a nearby defaced billboard reading EAT MOR CHIKIN—the whole nine yards.
I’m walking up to the Kentucky Derby gates. A man is selling bootleg T-shirts that read, “I Beat The Pussy Up!”. If you’re going to buy one pussy-centric shirt on your way to the horse race billed as “The Most Important Two Minutes In Sports History”, I don’t think you’re going to find a better offering, unless Cat Fancy Magazine sells shirts at the Derby. Cat Fancy Magazine, you really dropped the ball on this one. And batted it around a little. Next year, I think the T-shirt guy should aim higher, with an “I Beat The Pussy Up!” seersucker suit. He could also sell it to local productions of To Kill a Mockingbird. It’s never too late for a more modern take on Atticus Finch.
This essay was originally written for and performed at the “True Story!” Reading Series in Atlanta.
This is a Zippo lighter I received as a gift in 1997. It says “Love Colleen and Becky” on it. I’ve always been bothered by the lack of a comma. The intended message is, “Love, Colleen and Becky.” Like, “Hey, we love you. We got you this gift. You can light your cigarettes with it. Or commit arson. Hope you burn all the buildings you hate to the ground. Love, Colleen and Becky.'”
People of Coachella. It’s me. Hologram Tupac. I know the last thing that people want to see at a festival is an artificial intelligence beg for his life, unless you’re at a Blade Runner convention, or a RealDoll engineers’ company picnic that has gone south.
Of all the ways to pretend you’re holding a lightsaber, waving a long cardboard tube around and making the VRRUMMM noise is generally considered to be the preferred method. Unless you are an actual Jedi. Then you might want to spend money on the real thing. The lightsaber, not the VRRUMMM noise. Talk about putting the cart before the horse. The cart is the VRRUMMM noise, and the horse is the lightsaber. Is that an apt comparison? Could one consider the lightsaber to be pulling the VRRUMMM noise around? Maybe the VRRUMMM noise is the wheels on the cart, and the cart is the lightsaber and the Jedi is the horse. That’s right, impoverished Jedi. You’re the beast of burden in this analogy!
A lot of people think that the first person to cut a hole in a tub of popcorn to put their dick inside of it was a guy in a movie theater trying to get a handjob. Actually, it was Orville Redenbacher. He used his penis as a measuring stick. Anytime he wanted to test a new flavor of gourmet popcorn with a focus group, he’d fill a tub and put his dick inside. If all he could see afterwards was the tip, he knew it was back to the drawing board. But if the level of popcorn dropped to the base of his shaft, he knew he had a winner. In fact, this is where the phrase “Poppycock” comes from. He’d get so excited about a successful new line of popcorn, he’d try to yell, “Popcorn Cock!” but would get too worked up to say all the syllables.
Michael Bay is in negotiations to direct a fourth Transformers film. I think Michael Bay should make a movie about Gobots. You could get Gobots for a quarter at Kmart when I was a kid. So cheap. Put them in your mouth, who cares. Put Michael Bay in your mouth while you’re at it. I bet a Gobot would put Michael Bay in his mouth for a part in a Transformers movie.
The Mythbusters accidentally shot a cannonball through a family’s home while shooting an episode. Witnesses reported the cannon fired prematurely after seeing Kari Byron in a swimsuit. I tweeted that joke and was pretty proud of it.
Nichelle Nichols revealed the character of Spock on Star Trek was originally written as a woman. For some reason, when I think of a lady Spock, I think of her having long, amazing, beautiful hair. I had a strange, half-asleep thought about Spock being female when I woke up this morning: “This is the kind of thing that happens when William Shatner wishes on a monkey’s paw.” Did characters ever make wishes on Star Trek? “I wish you’d make it so, number one.” “I wish you’d beam me up, Scotty.” I bet William Shatner makes wishes all the time on the lock of Leonard Nimoy’s hair he keeps in his wallet.
James Earl Jones revealed that George Lucas initially wanted Orson Welles to play the role of Darth Vader. Last night a cute bartender girl told me that she had a hooded sweatshirt exactly like mine, because she stole it from a guy she dated. We both agreed that it was incredibly comfortable. Then she said it was a good thing she wasn’t wearing it last night because then we’d both be wearing the same thing, and I said the world wouldn’t fall off its axis if two people wore the same sweatshirt. I guess the world wouldn’t have fallen off its axis either if Orson Welles had played Darth Vader.
PICTURED: Darth Vader. He probably sounds like Orson Welles.
Finally, this French Bulldog puppy hates an ice cube. In his defense, he ordered his whiskey neat.
New research has revealed that paper wasps can recognize each other’s faces. Researchers found that paper wasps have uniquely evolved to identify each other based on facial recognition. Thanks to this new evolution, paper wasps are looking forward to correctly identifying former high school classmates in amateur paper wasp pornography they find online.
Daniel Radcliffe stars in The Woman in Black, a film about a young lawyer who discovers a woman’s ghost is terrorizing the locals of a remote village by tearing the eyes out of old-timey photographs and moving a rocking chair back and forth. Teenagers who use the same techniques to terrorize their local Cracker Barrel have yet to be confronted by Radcliffe.
Long delayed Joss Whedon-produced The Cabin In The Woods, a film about a group of college kids who spend a weekend at a cabin in the woods that is not what it seems, will finally arrive in theaters next April. The trailer for The Cabin In The Woods includes imagery of a group of white men in a control room, a girl dancing in denim shorts in front of a fireplace and a hawk flying into a force field, which also describes the historic scene at Abraham Lincoln’s log cabin birth.
PICTURED: Abraham Lincoln and Joss Whedon share a knowing look in front of a log cabin.
Japanese company Denso has created a device for your car that monitors your facial muscles to determine if you’re about to fall asleep at the wheel. The device scans seventeen points on the driver’s face to assess drowsiness. Advanced models also scan for pajamas, puffy night caps, and cartoon thought balloons containing logs of wood being sawed.
Finally, tinkerer James Cochrane has programmed an orchestra of gadgets to play House of the Rising Sun.
After performing the popular 1964 hit about a New Orleans brothel, the gadgets were reassembled into a robot sex doll, and made love to.
An official Indiana Jones Prequel Facebook game was announced by Zynga, creators of FarmVille. Players will use machetes and whips to explore jungles and search for treasure in the free-to-play Indiana Jones Adventure World. The game is also programmed to steal your personal data and replace it with a bag of sand.
PICTURED: Indiana Jones. Accompanied by the lead singer of Simply Red, apparently.
A trailer for Snow White and the Huntsman was recently released. In the film, a mirror urges an evil queen to kill Snow White and eat her heart to become more beautiful. In a related story, an informal survey of men everywhere revealed the quality they find most attractive in women is a willingness to eat human hearts.
A patch for the game The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is said to have “fixed an occasional issue where a guest would arrive to the player’s wedding dead”. A similar glitch in most American states in which gay players arrive to their own wedding but are unable to get married has yet to be patched.
An antique Stradivarius was recreated from a CAT scan. A copy produced from the 307-year-old violin is said to sound “amazingly similar” to the original. Researchers were also able to duplicate the world’s smallest violin by pinching their thumb and forefinger together and sarcastically playing the world’s saddest song on it for you.
Finally, a deformed pig has learned to walk on his front legs:
The pig announced plans to see an R-rated movie as soon as it finds a second pig to fill out a trenchcoat and fedora.
Photographer Joey DeMarco has released a pin-up calendar featuring models dressed as characters from the Star Wars universe. Consumers who purchased the calendar were expected to pencil in “Masturbate to Star Wars calendar” for the remaining dates in the year.
A pub in Balham, South London has installed the first urine-controlled video game. Bar patrons can steer themselves down a ski slope, knock down penguins or even answer quiz questions by urinating on three infrared sensors, or for an additional $40, Sonic the Hedgehog’s face.
14-year-old actor Asa Butterfield has been selected as the lead in a movie adaptation of Ender’s Game, a science fiction novel about a child genius trained as a soldier in a futuristic war against an alien species. Mike Myers is also reported to be adapting his own science fiction novel, in which a child idiot is trained to enjoy the Shrek franchise.
An ad for the Kindle Fire was released, featuring an attractive young woman who is so excited to find a Kindle Fire tablet delivered to her doorstep, she immediately opens it and begins using it while sitting on her front stoop. A similar ad was released for the Samsung Galaxy Tab, in which a homely young woman is so excited to find the device delivered to her doorstep, she immediately places it in her mouth and begins gnawing it while sitting on a tree stump.
PICTURED: Shrek. Or the new face of the Samsung Galaxy Tab.
A chef at 4Rivers Smokehouse in Orlando, Florida has created Mountain Dew and Doritos cupcakes. He’s already announced a culinary follow-up: a copy of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 and hardcore pornography baked into a pie.
Finally, an ad for Little Printer, a miniature printer for your smartphone, was released:
The ad features a person printing out pictures of butterfly species, his foursquare friends’ locations, and a cartoon of a smiling man. Non-serial killers are also expected to find the printer useful.
The Muppets appeared in their first theatrical release in 12 years last week. In related news, a group of ventriloquist dummies are attempting the release of their own major motion picture. Production is scheduled to begin as soon as a deal is reached with craft services to provide enough children’s souls for the dummies to eat.
A 26 pound gummy bear was also unveiled to the public last week. He was discovered with the remains of an 18 pound gummy Timothy Treadwell.
Syfy has ordered a Booster Gold pilot script, based on the comic book featuring a glory-seeking superhero from the future. Upon learning of the existence of Booster Gold, an openly gay Scrooge McDuck expressed a desire to be inside of him.
PICTURED: An openly gay Scrooge McDuck.
Animated comedy thriller ParaNorman is scheduled for an August 2012 release. The trailer, set to Donovan’s “Season of the Witch”, includes zombies, ghosts, and a swarm of insects bursting from a teddy bear’s face. The effect was reportedly created by playing an audio cassette of Maroon 5’s “Moves Like Jagger” in a Teddy Ruxpin doll.
Finally, a Motown cover of Nickelback’s “How You Remind Me” was released:
It was later revealed that making Nickelback listenable was the work of Rumpelstiltskin, who wanted a more difficult challenge than turning straw into gold.
Some gamers have observed that the horse in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is able to climb impossibly steep mountains and defy gravity by walking up completely vertical surfaces. To be fair, the last time a horse had its legs up in the air at such an extreme angle, Seabiscuit got a response to his H4HH personal ad on Craigslist.
I myself observed the main character of Skyrim drinking a potion he found next to a rotting corpse in an ancient tomb, making the redneck boy that lived in a filthy trailer down the street from me with a closet full of Hustler magazines and a kitchen so filthy I was forbidden to eat or drink anything from his house look like a sommelier at Le Bernardin in New York City. Developers have already planned a contemporary sequel to Skyrim in which the hero drinks a Capri Sun he finds under the body at an open casket funeral.
The SyFy Channel has announced that they’re renewing Being Human for a second season, the main characters of the show being a ghost, a vampire, and a werewolf. Coincidentally, this is the same list of sexual partners that Franken Berry is legally obligated to notify that they’ve been exposed to herpes.
PICTURED: The hero of Skyrim discovers a gross potion. Or possibly Franken Berry’s penis.
Fans of full frontal nudity and dragons will be pleased to learn that Game of Thrones has released a teaser trailer for Season 2. However, fans of full frontal dragon nudity will have to settle for watching Dame Judy Dench undress from a nearby tree branch with their fingers crossed.
Finally, a pug was dressed in a Wampa costume:
The pug’s arm was later severed by a Labradoodle dressed as Luke Skywalker.