The Killer Inside Me
The Killer Inside Me was directed by Michael Winterbottom. Which is crazy, because Winterbottom is clearly a bear’s name. Like a bear..
Movies
You Got To Go In Underground From The Side (Avatar)
I know one thing, this movie is the black-lightiest inside of a black light poster I ever did see. Tell me this, Avatar- what is it like..
Batman: Under the Red Hood
In Batman: Under the Red Hood, Batman tinkers around with the engine of his torch-red 67 Ford Mustang for an hour and a half. He’s..
TiMER
Emma Caulfield plays an orthodontist named Oona. More like ortho-hotness! I guess anyone who practices ortho-hotness isn’t recognized..
The Social Network
I didn’t know Justin Timberlake invented Napster. I like how they gave him weird internet-entrepreneur hair. Unless, wait is that his..
The Blind Side
Sandra Bullock seems all normal at the beginning of the move. Then she turns around to show her profile and she’s wearing a pair of..
Solitary Man
Michael Douglas is a car dealer with a heart problem. Also, he sleeps with young women and he’s an unreliable boyfriend and..
Get Him to the Greek
I ordered this movie On Demand because I was sick from bad food. The restaurant I ate at the night before had weird condiments. The..
Harry Brown
Damn, what is going on in England? I feel like if I go to England I’m either going to get knifed by a gold toothed hooligan or wind..
Little Monsters
Fred Savage makes friends with a horned blue-skinned monster from under his bed, played by Howie Mandel. Mandel takes Savage around his..
Star Trek
I watched Star Trek last weekend on Netflix Instant Streaming. They didn’t have it in HD! For shame, Netflix! Look, I understand that..
The Time Traveler’s Wife
Eric Bana is naked every time he uncontrollably leaps around in time, like if Quantum Leap starred a bachelorette party stripper. Did any..
Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian
In Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, Ben Stiller’s kid gets the floor plans of the Smithsonian’s underground..
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World
I had a dream the other night my girlfriend’s cat was a Jedi. He wore a little brown robe. He spun around in the air with his..
Greenberg
The last time I watched a Noah Baumbach movie was with this girl I was dating who wasn’t that into me. One time we got really drunk..
Kick-Ass
Kick-Ass got lost in the mail, so I reported it to Netflix. So they sent another disc. Then the old disc showed up. But I didn’t know..
Stephen King’s It (movie)
I had an upsetting dream about getting my feet stuck in a bag of pistachios last night and then today in the grocery store I got stuck in..
Hot Tub Time Machine
Isaac Asimov is probably pulling on his sideburns and stamping his feet up in heaven right now. Because he’s mad, I guess? At being..
and there was still time to kill the wizard
Reviews of Movies I Will Never See Avatar: The Last Airbender Huh. Everyone says it’s terrible. But it looks great! Look at that dirt..
Inception
A man named Cobb who steals ideas from inside of dreams takes a job where he has to plant an idea instead. So he hires a crew and builds a..
Before Sunrise
Ethan Hawke meets cute French girl Julie Delpy on a train and says hey why don’t you forget whatever French girl stuff you were doing..
Chloe
Chloe starts off with the high-end-prostitute-title-character putting on sexy clothes and talking about what it means to be sexy so you..
Funny People
Famous comedian George Simmons is dying so he hires Ira Wright to be his friend and drive him around and talk him to sleep. Before George..
Zombieland
Columbus is a skinny virgin with a nervous stomach and a shotgun. Tallahassee is heavily armed and has a cowboy hat. They team up to look..
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Harry Potter and Dumbledore bust into a house to find a wizard pretending to be a couch. Dumbledore wants him to teach at Hogwarts wizard..
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Wolverine and his brother Sabretooth get born in the olden days. Lil’ Wolverine can regenerate and push claws out of his knuckles...
Toy Story 3
Woody the cowboy and Buzz Lightyear and all the other toys have been hanging out for years in Andy’s room waiting to get played with..
The Golden Child
Eddie Murphy plays a social worker who is looking for a teenage runaway. He wears a flamboyant hat. I wonder if he was trying to make that..
Shutter Island
U.S. Marshal Teddy Daniels (Leonardo DiCaprio) investigates the disappearance of an escaped mental patient on Shutter Island. His liaison..
The Road
Uh oh somebody broke the whole planet. Now it’s mass hysteria: fires and cannibals and ash sandwiches. And Viggo Mortensen is a man..
Cast Away
Tom Hanks wears a big Christmas sweater. He works for FedEx motivating Russians. Hey Russians move those packages faster, nyet! Nyet! He..
Crazy Heart
In Crazy Heart, Jeff Bridges’ aging country singer gets “crazy hard” for Maggie Gyllenhaal’s small town newspaper..
Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths
Lex Luthor fighting for….GOOD?!! (rubs eyes, blinks in amazement) Even Superman can’t believe it. Until he uses his x-ray..
Diary of the Dead
You know who keeps a diary of the dead? Skully Skeleton, the mossy skeleton from a shipwreck at the bottom of the ocean highlighted in the..
Iron Man 2
This review contains spoilers. So Iron Man is back. The government wants him to give up his Iron Man suit, but he doesn’t want to do..
Exit Through The Gift Shop
Exit Through The Gift Shop is a documentary about French film maker Thierry Guetta. Thierry made friends with street artists Banksy and..
An Education
Peter Sarsgaard’s chest hair looks like a thundercloud with a lightning bolt coming out of it. So if he ever enters a bare chested..
The Lovely Bones
Susie Salmon (Saoirse Ronan) is a 14 year old girl who has a camera, a bike, a hat that her mom made for her (just like Jayne in the..
Uncertainty
Joseph Gordon-Levitt can’t remember what kind of tea is in his teapot and will go to any length to find out, even murder. Oh wait,..
The Crow
Caw caw caw caw caw caw caw! Caw caw— caw caw caw! Oh man, I should have marked that NSFC (Not Safe For Crows). This movie came out in..
Enduring Love
Damn, everybody reviewing this on Netflix seemed all mad that this movie starts off with a tense action packed hot air balloon rescue..
The Dark Crystal
Jen has a lady’s haircut and pointy ears. He is a Gelfling. He was raised by the Mystics, these four armed wise men in robes. They..
Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call: New Orleans
Terrence McDonagh (Nicolas Cage) is trying to catch New Orleans drug lord Big Fate (Xzibit) but it’s taking him FOREVER because he..
Wonder Boys
Grady Tripp (Michael Douglas) is a professor who likes to sleep with married women and get high. He’s also a critically acclaimed..
The Informant!
I actually published a review of The Informant! this morning, re-read it, realized it sucked and took it down. Here’s a paragraph..
Good Hair
Thanks to Chris Rock’s movie about black ladies’ hair, I know more about weaves than I ever dreamed I could. I almost feel..
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Too bad this isn’t about the fantastic Mr. Michael J. Fox and his work in the incomparable Back to the Future trilogy. You know that..
The Hangover
Have you seen The Hangover? Have you seen it? Huh? Have you?! So funny. Did you see it? Did you see the movie The Hangover??!! Hilarious!!!..
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Just what the world needs—a sexy Ebenezer Scrooge. Matthew McConaughey’s character bones his way through an alternate dimension..
Gremlins 2
In Gremlins 2 a careless janitor sprays water all over Gizmo in an office building. Next thing you know, gremlins. You got gremlins buying..
