Review

Hooray for DragonCity

September 8, 2010
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My friends and I always joke about how we wish we lived in a city where DragonCon never ended. DragonCity, we call it. A city full of Stormtroopers and goths in steampunk goggles, the kind of place where you might see a slutty Batman. A city where you can walk with beer in hand among [...]

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Dexter | Season 4

September 1, 2010
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Much like a guy in a gorilla suit in a Master P video, John Lithgow slam dunks his performance as the Trinity Killer with a basketball made of crazy into a hoop made of his sister’s ashes. Gold tank rolls onto court, confetti falls. Master P makes everyone say Uggghhhhhh. Am I crazy or did [...]

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The Time Traveler’s Wife

August 30, 2010
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Eric Bana is naked every time he uncontrollably leaps around in time, like if Quantum Leap starred a bachelorette party stripper. Did any of you ladies need something put right that once went wrong? Speaking of stripping, me and some friends were trying to find bad movies to watch on Netflix and we settled on [...]

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Where Even the Water is Death (Red Dead Redemption)

August 25, 2010
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The first person I met in Red Dead Redemption’s multiplayer mode shot me dead where I stood. I took two steps toward him like a newborn baby and he pumped me full of lead. I had entered Red Dead Redemption’s Free Roam area, where you can ride a donkey around and interact with strangers on [...]

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Star Wars: The Force Unleashed

August 23, 2010
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Starkiller from Star Wars: The Force Unleashed looks a little like my old college roommate, who coincidentally used to shoplift little Star Wars figures from Wal-Mart. Hey look what I got, he’d say in the parking lot. He’d open up his hand and it would be full of little Banthas or Wookies or tiny Han [...]

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Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian

August 20, 2010
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In Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, Ben Stiller’s kid gets the floor plans of the Smithsonian’s underground federal archives from the Smithsonian website. I went to the Smithsonian website and didn’t see any links for “detailed maps to a literal treasure vault of our most valuable and important works of art”. I did [...]

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Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

August 18, 2010
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I had a dream the other night my girlfriend’s cat was a Jedi. He wore a little brown robe. He spun around in the air with his miniature lightsaber. He fought with his back claws. My girlfriend pointed out that if he were a Jedi in real life, he’d lay on his back and use [...]

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Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell: Conviction

August 16, 2010
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I bet when Tom Clancy pours gravy on his mashed potatoes, it’s out of a pistol. He keeps the butter in a pair of military issue binoculars. And instead of napkins he dabs his mouth with a manila folder full of CIA classified documents. Also, he eats dinner in the dark wearing thermal goggles. When [...]

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Greenberg

August 12, 2010
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The last time I watched a Noah Baumbach movie was with this girl I was dating who wasn’t that into me. One time we got really drunk and she said, “tonight is the night I’m going to invite you into my bed.” Ahh yes, I drunkenly thought to myself. An invitation into the bed. You [...]

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Kick-Ass

August 9, 2010
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Kick-Ass got lost in the mail, so I reported it to Netflix. So they sent another disc. Then the old disc showed up. But I didn’t know that and tried to OnDemand it with Comcast. But OnDemand was broken. The whole world of buying and renting movies is a spinning wheel of broken splinters. And on that [...]

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Stephen King’s It (movie)

August 6, 2010
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I had an upsetting dream about getting my feet stuck in a bag of pistachios last night and then today in the grocery store I got stuck in line behind an elderly woman who smelled like old wet towels. She took twenty minutes to write out a check! On the drive home, my air conditioning [...]

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Hot Tub Time Machine

August 4, 2010
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Isaac Asimov is probably pulling on his sideburns and stamping his feet up in heaven right now. Because he’s mad, I guess? At being out science fictioned, probably. Maybe he’s mad about something else. Maybe there are no robots in heaven. Or maybe it’s all robots in heaven. Robots as far as the eye can [...]

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Red Dead Redemption

August 2, 2010
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I was playing Red Dead Redemption and I was sneaking up on a gang of bandits in a crouched position. I moved very quietly up a hill to get the drop on them from above. I drew my gun to fire on the bandits when my horse stuck his head in from the side of the [...]

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It

July 30, 2010
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The monster in It takes on the form of whatever scares you the most, like the wolfman or the creeping eye or the mummy. Come to think of it, maybe it just takes on the form of whatever scares Shaggy and Scooby-Doo the most. G-g-g-g-ghosts!  I got a Scooby-Doo t-shirt off Threadless and it really [...]

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The Walking Dead Volume 1: Days Gone Bye | Half-Life 2

July 28, 2010
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The Walking Dead Volume 1: Days Gone Bye Finally borrowed a copy of this from my friend Sam. Zombies in Atlanta? Hope André 3000 and Big Boi made it out okay. Id hate to get chomped on by Sir Lucious Left Foot. He’d probably be missing his left foot. I bet I could outrun them [...]

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and there was still time to kill the wizard

July 26, 2010
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Reviews of Movies I Will Never See Avatar: The Last Airbender Huh. Everyone says it’s terrible. But it looks great! Look at that dirt flying around! Like an enormous dog burying a giant bone! Maybe it’s the bones of M. Night Shyamalan’s directing career. And water is whooshing up like the very big dog just [...]

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Party Down | Season Two

July 23, 2010
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Oh, what a surprise. Another awesome beloved cult show has been canceled. I guess the head of programming was too busy inside his refrigerator box fort eating gummy bears and hitting his head with a tree branch over and over to give the show another season. You know what needs to happen is some wealthy [...]

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Doctor Who | Season Five

July 21, 2010
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This is best Doctor Who has ever been. Best companion. Best special effects. Best…Doctor? I think so. Look here- I like Tennant, don’t go foaming at the scarf or anything, I know everybody has their own favorite Doctor Who. It’s just that Matt Smith is clearly the best of the Doctors and if you think [...]

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Inception

July 19, 2010
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A man named Cobb who steals ideas from inside of dreams takes a job where he has to plant an idea instead. So he hires a crew and builds a three layer dream so he can trick a businessman. But his dream wife shows up and keeps interfering with everything. Not the woman of his [...]

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Before Sunrise

July 17, 2010
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Ethan Hawke meets cute French girl Julie Delpy on a train and says hey why don’t you forget whatever French girl stuff you were doing like reading poetry or painting a watercolor of a mime holding a baguette and get off this train with me and we can spend the day hanging out in Vienna. [...]

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Chloe

July 14, 2010
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Chloe starts off with the high-end-prostitute-title-character putting on sexy clothes and talking about what it means to be sexy so you know this movie is going to be full of sexy sex. You know, I’m not entirely sure that she’s actually high end, but the way large denomination bills are getting thrown around and checks [...]

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Funny People

July 12, 2010
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Famous comedian George Simmons is dying so he hires Ira Wright to be his friend and drive him around and talk him to sleep. Before George hires him, Ira was working at a deli counter with the RZA. I guess if Method Man ever wants to go through the whole torture routine from that Wu-Tang [...]

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He Don’t Dance Like Carlton (Mass Effect 2)

July 9, 2010
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An evaluation of my second playthrough of Mass Effect 2, which I first reviewed in February. I played Mass Effect 2 as a woman this time. This lady Commander Shepard is very dear to my heart. She was the Mass Effect character I created after I got burglarized and my first Xbox 360 was stolen. [...]

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Zombieland

July 7, 2010
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Columbus is a skinny virgin with a nervous stomach and a shotgun. Tallahassee is heavily armed and has a cowboy hat. They team up to look for Twinkies and fight zombies. Hot girl con artist Wichita and her sister Little Rock trick them out of their guns in a grocery store but then they all [...]

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Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

July 5, 2010
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Harry Potter and Dumbledore bust into a house to find a wizard pretending to be a couch. Dumbledore wants him to teach at Hogwarts wizard school, but not as a couch- as a wizard. They already have a recliner that has tenure. The wizard’s name is Professor Horace Slughorn and he teaches potions, but not [...]

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Treme | Season One

July 2, 2010
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Antoine Batiste wanders around New Orleans cheating on his girlfriend and asking people where he can play jazz. A Japanese man gives him money so he can play jazz. He gets beat up by the cops. Then he plays more jazz. He loses all his money he made playing jazz in a poker game. Then, jazz. [...]

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X-Men Origins: Wolverine

June 30, 2010
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Wolverine and his brother Sabretooth get born in the olden days. Lil’ Wolverine can regenerate and push claws out of his knuckles. His brother can grow filthy ass fingernails at will. Wolverine kills his real dad by accident. A montage ensues! Cigars get chomped on. Even better, they’re the cigars of WAR. Now the brothers [...]

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Alan Wake

June 28, 2010
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Author Alan Wake runs around in the woods waving a flashlight and shooting people. His manuscript is coming to life! There’s a mean old lady in a veil who kidnapped his wife and put her at the bottom of a lake. For a guy huffing and puffing around a forest all day and night, he [...]

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Toy Story 3

June 25, 2010
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Woody the cowboy and Buzz Lightyear and all the other toys have been hanging out for years in Andy’s room waiting to get played with again. He’s about to go to college so his mom makes him box up his old stuff. He puts Woody in the box marked “College”. With Andy’s tousled hair and boyish [...]

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Breaking Bad | Season Three

June 23, 2010
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In season three of Breaking Bad, Walt is offered three million dollars by drug kingpin/chicken restaurant franchisee Gus to cook him some meth. At first Walt says, “No way I’m out of the meth business!” but then his wife sleeps with her boss because she’s mad about all the meth. Also he likes money so [...]

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The Golden Child

June 21, 2010
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Eddie Murphy plays a social worker who is looking for a teenage runaway. He wears a flamboyant hat. I wonder if he was trying to make that hat popular. You know what they say, “if you can’t make a hat popular, make a movie in a fat suit.” Kee Nang, the daughter of a Tibetan [...]

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Shutter Island

June 18, 2010
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U.S. Marshal Teddy Daniels (Leonardo DiCaprio) investigates the disappearance of an escaped mental patient on Shutter Island. His liaison on Shutter Island is head psychiatrist Dr. Cawley (Ben Kingsley). Despite his name, Dr. Cawley is not a crow in a doctor’s coat fooling everybody. I bet if you did find out your head psychiatrist was [...]

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The Road

June 16, 2010
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Uh oh somebody broke the whole planet. Now it’s mass hysteria: fires and cannibals and ash sandwiches. And Viggo Mortensen is a man trying to keep a little kid alive in all that. Hey kid, have some crumbs and spiderwebs. Hope that holds you for a month. At least Mortensen had Gandalf’s help the last [...]

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Borderlands

June 14, 2010
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I thought about Borderlands as I was drifting off to sleep the other night. In the game I was using my phasewalking ability to electrocute an armored military unit called the Crimson Lance, causing them to yell in their squawky voices, flail around, throw up their hands and die in a puff of electricity. So [...]

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Cast Away

June 11, 2010
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Tom Hanks wears a big Christmas sweater. He works for FedEx motivating Russians. Hey Russians move those packages faster, nyet! Nyet! He gets on a FedEx plane and it crashes on an island. Ain’t gonna need that sweater now, Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks makes fire. Tom Hanks steals a dead man’s shoes. Tom Hanks makes [...]

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Feed

June 9, 2010
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In the year 2034, twenty years after the 2014 zombie uprising, bloggers are respected licensed journalists and are required to carry firearms for zombie killing. Everyone has to take a blood test to get in and out of their cars or houses or hotels. I’m glad my car doesn’t test my blood before I can [...]

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The Office | Season Six

June 7, 2010
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So Pam and Jim had a baby, huh. We have a baby in the office where I work. We call him Spacebaby. He’s a plastic doll and he’s the filthiest thing you ever saw. Sometimes we put a lamp over his head and pretend he’s getting his hair done. We made a rule, too- nobody [...]

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Crazy Heart

June 4, 2010
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In Crazy Heart, Jeff Bridges’ aging country singer gets “crazy hard” for Maggie Gyllenhaal’s small town newspaper reporter. Bridges plays Bad Blake, an old-ass musician dragging his cowboy-hat-wearing bag of bones from crappy venue to crappy venue, pausing to throw up from drinking and smoking and also to have sex with middle-aged groupies (hey it’s [...]

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Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths

June 2, 2010
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Lex Luthor fighting for….GOOD?!! (rubs eyes, blinks in amazement) Even Superman can’t believe it. Until he uses his x-ray vision to see Luthor’s heart is on the wrong side of his body, so he’s clearly from an alternate dimension where good is bad, everyone’s organs are reversed, every Waffle House is a Huddle House and [...]

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Parks and Recreation | Season Two

May 30, 2010
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My original synopsis of Parks and Recreation was “government shenanigans in a park”. Does a senator soliciting sex in a park bathroom count as “shenanigans”?  I bet if you got caught with a prostitute in a park and the police started chasing you it would be handy to have a little iPod with the Benny Hill music [...]

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LOST | Season Six

May 26, 2010
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Spoilers. Well, that was a hell of a thing. As luck would have it, all this plane crashing and boat exploding was so the immortal guardian of the island could find someone to guard his cave of holy light. The last time this many vehicles got wrecked due to the influence of a charismatic powerful [...]

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Community | Season One

May 24, 2010
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Well, it looks like Community has found a strong audience in its first year. In fact, the last time I saw someone get this excited about something with Community in the title was at the Hamburglar’s trial when he got community service instead of jail time for manslaughter and non-specific hamburger crimes. A lot of [...]

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The Life & Times of Tim | Season Two

May 21, 2010
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I’m just going to get this out of the way- I’m thinking about white bread tomato sandwiches. Tomato on white bread with mayo and salt and pepper, to be specific. But this is not a review of the glorious tomato. It’s a review of the HBO cartoon The Life & Times of Tim, which is [...]

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Halo 3: ODST

May 19, 2010
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Nathan Fillion, Adam Baldwin, and Alan Tudyk did voice work for this game. That’s great! I love it when actors from my favorite canceled show get together in the same room to work on another project. Like there’s a possibility that Joss Whedon might crash into the studio Kool-Aid Man style and say “Oh YEAHHH [...]

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Diary of the Dead

May 17, 2010
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You know who keeps a diary of the dead? Skully Skeleton, the mossy skeleton from a shipwreck at the bottom of the ocean highlighted in the Wonder Boys and The Lovely Bones reviews. And what a scandalous diary it is! I could make a joke about how he dishes on who is “boning” who, but [...]

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Red Faction: Guerrilla

May 14, 2010
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Imagine my disappointment when I realized this wasn’t Red Fraction Gorilla, the game about a math loving primate. He drives the Geometry Bus, wears a fedora and has red fur. Just don’t mention mathematician Georg Cantor if you want to keep both of your arms attached to your torso. In Red Faction: Guerrilla, engineer Alec [...]

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Iron Man 2

May 12, 2010
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This review contains spoilers. So Iron Man is back. The government wants him to give up his Iron Man suit, but he doesn’t want to do it. A senator says, “Give me that suit!” but Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) says NO WAY. Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke) is a Russian who hates Iron Man but [...]

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Oryx and Crake

May 10, 2010
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It’s the future, civilization is over with! A hermit named Snowman is one of the last humans around, living in a tree and wearing a baseball cap. Snowman is a guardian/religious figure to the Children of Crake, genetically engineered humanoid creatures designed to be physically flawless. Also, their private parts and butts turn blue when [...]

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Exit Through The Gift Shop

May 7, 2010
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Exit Through The Gift Shop is a documentary about French film maker Thierry Guetta. Thierry made friends with street artists Banksy and Shepard Fairey, so he got to film them putting up graffiti. Andre the Giant’s face on the side of an old warehouse! The Queen of England with a monkey’s face! Take that, public [...]

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An Education

May 5, 2010
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Peter Sarsgaard’s chest hair looks like a thundercloud with a lightning bolt coming out of it. So if he ever enters a bare chested men’s fighting club he’s got his nickname covered: Thunder Chest. Oh, here comes Thunder Chest, look out bare chested men of action! Wow, this is starting to sound seedy. Sixteen year [...]

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