Category Archives: Movie Trailer Reviews

Make America Grimace Again: A Review of Trump’s McDonald’s Commercial

Make America Grimace Again: A Review of Trump’s McDonald’s Commercial

In which Jason Mallory and Chris Alonzo review Donald Trump’s McDonald’s Commercial from 2002

JASON

That’s right, Chris—future President Donald Trump is holding a private meeting with McDonaldland’s arguably dumbest resident Grimace in his office at the top of Trump Tower. He seems to think that Grimace is responsible for McDonald’s pricing and business strategy?!

Fear Boners And Hyborian B-Movie Hell: Sexual And Gubernatorial Awakenings In The Trailer For “Red Sonja”

Fear Boners And Hyborian B-Movie Hell: Sexual And Gubernatorial Awakenings In The Trailer For “Red Sonja”

In which Lauren Traetto of Vouched Books and FANZINE and Casey Childers of WRITE CLUB San Francisco review the trailer for Red Sonja.

LAUREN

I love it when a trailer includes mention of “the world’s greatest evil”—it’s like the ‘80s movie version of Buzzfeed’s clickbait titles. Judging from this clip, the world’s greatest evil is a second-string dominatrix out of a George Michael video, inexplicably ruling over a bunch of soldiers from Tang Dynasty China.

Wear A Moustache And Stand In A Hole: Thoughts On “The Grand Budapest Hotel”

Wear A Moustache And Stand In A Hole: Thoughts On “The Grand Budapest Hotel”

Myke Johns and Kristina Ackerman discuss the trailer for The Grand Budapest Hotel.

MYKE

More than most things, I want for Wes Anderson to stop.

Keep Stabbing Things Until All Your Problems Are Solved: Thoughts On Brotherhood And “Hercules: The Legend Begins”

Keep Stabbing Things Until All Your Problems Are Solved: Thoughts On Brotherhood And “Hercules: The Legend Begins”

There is no tale more beautiful, no story more telling of humanity’s earthbound struggles, than that of two brothers, locked in eternal conflict as they embark on a rage quest to see which one can murder the other first and dominate the woman they’ve each claimed as their own.

Don’t Ask What The F Stands For: A Passionate Entreaty To The Omnicorp Board Of Directors On The Subject Of The New Robocop

Don’t Ask What The F Stands For: A Passionate Entreaty To The Omnicorp Board Of Directors On The Subject Of The New Robocop

[The following text is taken from the official transcript of the OmniCorp Board of Directors’ annual meeting in New York, N.Y., on Nov. 25, 2013, into which a wild-eyed Kevin Forest Moreau barged, uninvited.]

Esteemed members of the OmniCorp Board of Directors:

I present to you Alex Murphy. Husband. Father. Robocop. A franchise barely alive, following a couple of so-so sequels, a TV series no one saw, and even a cartoon. We can rebuild him, to once again serve as a cutting-edge commentary on aggressive police tactics, corrupt corporations, sensationalistic media and—to add some modern-day topicality—drone warfare.

Don’t Hold Your Breath: Considering The The Psychological Aftermath Of “LadyHawke”

Don’t Hold Your Breath: Considering The The Psychological Aftermath Of “LadyHawke”

In an interview with the Telegraph last week, Michelle Pfeiffer admitted that she was briefly involved with a cult back in the early 80s. I love the idea of tiny, ethereal Michelle gargling ram’s blood, branding initiates, and banging a gong while supervising subterranean orgies, but it wasn’t that kind of a cult. It wasn’t a cool cult.

The Song Goes Back To The Skeleton: Questions About Heaven Raised By “What Dreams May Come”

The Song Goes Back To The Skeleton: Questions About Heaven Raised By “What Dreams May Come”

In which Jason and Bobbin Wages discuss the trailer for What Dreams May Come.

JASON

Hi, Bobbin.

You know what a good superpower would be? The ability to take a song that’s stuck in your head, and put it back in the head of the person that wrote it. Send it back to the source, as it were. “Return to sender!” as Elvis would say. Or as he would hear over and over again in his own head, if I had my way. I wonder how my new superpower would work if the songwriter was dead. The song goes back to their skeleton, I suppose, to play out of their skull.

The Real Witchcraft Was Making A Pot-Bellied Jack Nicholson Seem Like A Viable Candidate For A Foursome: A Review Of The Trailer For “The Witches Of Eastwick”

The Real Witchcraft Was Making A Pot-Bellied Jack Nicholson Seem Like A Viable Candidate For A Foursome: A Review Of The Trailer For “The Witches Of Eastwick”

In which Jason and Nick Tecosky of WRITE CLUB Atlanta review the trailer for The Witches Of Eastwick.

JASON

Hi, Nick.

Was dating in the 80’s so difficult that women had to resort to witchcraft? I guess being a modern single lady isn’t so bad after all!

Asexual European, Often Blue: A Review Of The Trailer For “The Smurfs: The Legend Of Smurfy Hollow”

Asexual European, Often Blue: A Review Of The Trailer For “The Smurfs: The Legend Of Smurfy Hollow”

I was just about to leave the party when Papa Smurf showed up with Smurfette and a Mason jar. Not that it wasn’t a nice party. Or a nice house. But, I had already done the tour twice and had already heard about how there wasn’t very much built-in lighting.

Nothing Except Snakes, Of Course: An Essay Inspired By The Trailer For “Nothing Left To Fear”

Nothing Except Snakes, Of Course: An Essay Inspired By The Trailer For “Nothing Left To Fear”

I had never known Whit to be a prankster, but nothing else explained why there was what appeared to be a decent-sized snake hanging inside my window. Very funny, Whit.

El Maestro Becomes El Estudiante, Indeed: A Review Of The Trailer For “Ender’s Game”

El Maestro Becomes El Estudiante, Indeed: A Review Of The Trailer For “Ender’s Game”

In which Kate Sweeney and Hilary Kelley discuss the trailer for Ender’s Game.

HILARY

Kate, I know we’ve been dancing around it for a while, now, but it’s time we did something about this trailer. In fact, I think this movie came out in the theaters, went to DVD, and was even put out on VHS for a limited run. And still we sat here, and still we said nothing.

That’s Just My Morally-Objectionable Baby Daddy: A Review Of The Trailer For “Delivery Man”

That’s Just My Morally-Objectionable Baby Daddy: A Review Of The Trailer For “Delivery Man”

In which Johnny Carroll and Winston Blake Wheeler Ward review the trailer for the Vince Vaughn “What am I going to do about all these babies?!” movie Delivery Man.

WINSTON

So, the question Delivery Man proposes is this: How would you react if you found out that your discarded sperm had been used to impregnate hundreds of women? I’m going to direct the question at you, Johnny.

Devil May Care: A Review Of The Trailer For “The Care Bears Movie 2: A New Generation”

Devil May Care: A Review Of The Trailer For “The Care Bears Movie 2: A New Generation”

Before we had a kid, my wife and I did some research about the best way to raise children in an interfaith family. There seem to be a number of spiritual hazards, not the least of which is confusing your kid to the point where they eventually reject their comparatively liberal, mostly Jewish upbringing and jump off the theological deep end, handling snakes, embracing polygamy, ritualistically eating peyote in backyard sweat-lodges or injecting, without irony, the phrase “Whore of Babylon” into conversations with uncomfortable coworkers.

Like A PayPal Made Of Guns: A Review Of The Trailer For “The Secret Of The Sword”

Like A PayPal Made Of Guns: A Review Of The Trailer For “The Secret Of The Sword”

In which Jason and Chris Alonzo review the trailer for The Secret Of The Sword.

JASON

Hey, Chris.

Did you notice that the world of He-Man and She-Ra seems like a violent, Cormac McCarthyian place? Every character in The Secret Of The Sword seems to be shooting a laser, firing a crossbow, or clanging a sword against something. People seem to literally be firing wildly into the air at all times on Eternia. At one point someone fires a bolt of energy at an unarmed king seated at a dinner table. Is there no cornbread for old kings?!

Language Is A Virus Robitussin Can’t Cure: A Review Of The Trailer For Alien³

Language Is A Virus Robitussin Can’t Cure: A Review Of The Trailer For Alien³

In 1992, I was twenty-two, hard bitten before my years, and entitled to a cynicism which I didn’t rightfully earn. I looked toward an uncertain future and a horizon that scrolled further away as I came near. Will I be famous before thirty? Am I the one who will change the world? How can I get that dark haired hippie chick in the Phish t-shirt and hemp ankle bracelet’s phone number?