Little Yarn Purses That Look Like Dragons: “Dragon Age II” Reviewed
In the first Dragon Age, you were literally saving the entire kingdom of Ferelden from a bunch of Darkspawn. You had to go around..
Review
The Spring Can Be Tricky: A Review Of “Kinect Adventures”
Okay. Okay. The Kinect. I finally bought one at Best Buy. The Best Buy guy was all, “You need to get the Geek Squad Black Tie..
A Good Candidate For Understanding Love: A Review Of “Kung Fu Panda 2″
I was in a horrible mood watching Kung Fu Panda 2. This guy behind me wouldn’t stop kicking my seat. So I elbowed the seat whenever..
Then The Tiger Lost An Eye: “X-Men: First Class” Reviewed
James McAvoy is Professor X and and Michael Fassbender is Magneto. They are best friends! Mutant best friends. I remember my first best..
You’ve Never Been To The Dog Circus? A Review Of “Step Up 3D”
A curly haired kid named Moose is starting college at NYU. But there is a dance battle right there on campus! Moose can totally dance so..
You Don’t Even Want To See The King Of Diamonds: A Review Of “Bridesmaids”
Okay, so Bridesmaids. There was a baby in the theater. But he was a quiet baby. He only made baby noises once during the movie. Thank you,..
There Better Not Be Any Thistles: A Review Of “The Troll Hunter”
A bunch of Norwegian college students hear about an unauthorized bear killing so they double-time it to the scene of the bear crime. Is one..
Jam Your Hands in a Janitor’s Bucket: A Review of “I Am Number Four”
Alright- there’s nine alien teenagers on our planet and some other evil aliens want to kill them. IN NUMERIC ORDER. Gotta admire that..
A Beard Worth Stripping For! A Review of “Luther | Series 1″
Idris Elba is Detective Chief Inspector John Luther! In England, of course. It would be pretty posh if we had Detective Chief Inspectors..
That’s some pig! A review of the movie “The Descent”
So, a bunch of women are going caving in the Appalachian mountains. They treat it like a baby shower or a bachelorette party by getting..
Portal 2
I have no idea what to say about this game. If Portal 2 was a president, it would be Abraham Lincoln. Everybody already knows about Abraham..
Thor
So, Anthony Hopkins is Odin! He got stabbed in the eye by a Frost Giant. He wears a complicated eyepatch with little extra parts and stuff...
The Devil’s Art Director
As it turns out, the first season of The Twilight Zone from 1959 is not just good, it’s incredible. Nerds losing their glasses after..
Water for Elephants – Trailer
If there’s one thing circus movies love, it’s shots of tents getting set up. Hey you, hoist that tent! Now you guys hit this..
Pirates of the Caribbean : On Stranger Tides – Trailer
The barrel budget on this movie must be through the roof. The President of Disney is probably up all night, surrounded by bills from..
Born To Be Wild (Trailer)
I think it’s actually illegal now to have a movie about baby animals or endangered animals and not have Morgan Freeman do the voice..
The Fighter
Mark Wahlberg is a fighter! So is his brother Christian Bale. But Mark Wahlberg is a more muscular, healthier fighter. Like a 16-bit..
Hereafter
Matt Damon is a psychic who gave up psychic-ing to be a blue collar worker because he got sick of talking to dead people all the time...
A drawing of Isaac Clarke from Dead Space 2
This is Dead Space 2 hero Isaac Clarke with the Marker- a terrible space rock that turns humans into bloodthirsty screeching claw monsters...
Unstoppable
Denzel Washington and Chris Pine are two train conductors (engineers?) and they are like, “Trains! Get that coal lined up! Put the..
Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps
Shia LaBeouf is a Wall Street guy. But he’s a good Wall Street guy because he wants to help a scientist with his green solar magic..
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II
Hey, Starkiller is back! But he’s a clone. The real one is dead, I think? Darth Vader can’t get enough of this guy! If I had an..
Black Swan
Okay, Natalie Portman wants to be the Swan Queen in a big ballet production. You can tell this is a big deal ballet company, because they..
The King’s Speech
Colin Firth has a stuttering problem! Helena Bonham Carter has wavy hair and a doll’s face. And she’s married to the prince!..
Horses and dogs and fences
Well, first of all, I’d be remiss if I didn’t say thank you to everyone who reached out to me regarding my essay on my..
Dead Rising 2
Wow, I barely wrote anything at all last week. What was I doing? Eating ice cream. The whole time, just ice cream. Ice cream sounds good,..
The Other Guys
Will Ferrell is an uptight cop and Mark Wahlberg is his partner. They find a British guy and he’s bad or something. Or shady. But..
Easy A
In the movie Easy A, Emma Stone’s character lies about having sex with high school boys in exchange for gift cards. Phonetically, I..
The Town
Spoilers. Okay, here is my review of The Town. Ben Affleck’s impossibly handsome face robs some banks and Jon Hamm’s impossibly..
Enslaved: Odyssey to the West
Enslaved: Odyssey to the West is about a criminal named Monkey with spiky bleached blonde hair and a bunch of muscles. Also, red makeup..
How to Train Your Dragon
How to Train Your Dragon is about a bunch of vikings who kill dragons. And by vikings, I mean they have pointy hats and viking ships but..
Cyrus
I thought you all should know that I’m listening to “My Boo” by the Ghost Town DJ’s while I write this review..
Scrooged
If there was a kid in the year 1988 more excited than me about Scrooged, I’d like to meet the little son of a bitch. To shake his..
Full Dark, No Stars
Okay, this book of short stories is supposed to be dark- even for Stephen King. That’s what reviews about Full Dark, No Stars are..
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Look, it’s aliens. This whole thing is aliens. I know you’re expecting something else, but here we are. Like..
Minority Report
It’s the year 2054, iPhones are probably great, and a businessman is about to kill his wife for cheating on him. His wife is pretty..
Field of Dreams
Kevin Costner is a farmer who likes baseball and used to be a hippie. He even says so in the beginning of the movie. “I used to be a..
Bored to Death | Season 2
So I go home for Thanksgiving and my grandfather asks me to fix his DVD player. But that DVD player is never going to work again. Even the..
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
This review contains mild spoilers. Well, now that Dumbledore is dead, Voldemort is having evil wizard parties. Doesn’t seem like..
How I Accidentally Strom Thurmond’ed My Baby in Fable III
So my Fable III guy is running around the Fable III world being the brother of the king doing stupid quests and tickling townsfolk and..
Men of a Certain Age | Season 1
Now- I would never tell a bondage porn company how to run their business, but it seems like a waste not to make a porn spoof of this show..
Winter’s Bone
Dogs everywhere heard the title of this movie and started wagging their tails. Sorry, cinema enjoying dogs. There are no dog bones in..
You Got To Go In Underground From The Side (Avatar)
I know one thing, this movie is the black-lightiest inside of a black light poster I ever did see. Tell me this, Avatar- what is it like..
The Killer Inside Me
The Killer Inside Me was directed by Michael Winterbottom. Which is crazy, because Winterbottom is clearly a bear’s name. Like a bear..
Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare
John Marston is hanging out with his family when his uncle comes in and bites his wife. CHOMP! Sounds like a Flannery O’Connor short..
Batman: Under the Red Hood
In Batman: Under the Red Hood, Batman tinkers around with the engine of his torch-red 67 Ford Mustang for an hour and a half. He’s..
TiMER
Emma Caulfield plays an orthodontist named Oona. More like ortho-hotness! I guess anyone who practices ortho-hotness isn’t recognized..
Mad Men | Season 4
This review contains spoilers. I hated the first few episodes of this season. I was even thinking of giving up on it. But then they showed..
