Category Archives: Video Game Trailer Reviews

I Would Love A Painting Of My Butt Playing Golf: A Review Of The Trailer For Grand Theft Auto V – Franklin

I Would Love A Painting Of My Butt Playing Golf: A Review Of The Trailer For Grand Theft Auto V – Franklin

In which Jason and Patrick Best review the trailer for Grand Theft Auto V: Franklin.

JASON

Hey, Patrick.

I don’t mean to sound like I’m some kind of digital booty snob, but the strippers’ butts in this Grand Theft Auto V trailer don’t seem to be much of an improvement over the ones in Grand Theft Auto IV. Kind of feels like they just went with the butt renderings they already had instead of updating the algorithms (assgorithms?).

These butts need to get with the times! If Michelangelo had sculpted David with an ass like the ones in GTA V, he’d have been laughed out of the Sistine Chapel. Did Rockstar Games work on their butt design at all in the last five years? If I’d been drawing butts every day for the last five years, you better believe I’d be running around right now showing everybody the best drawing of a butt they’ve ever seen.

So Much Signal There’s No Noise To Keep You Focused: A Review Of The Trailer For Grand Theft Auto V – Michael

So Much Signal There’s No Noise To Keep You Focused: A Review Of The Trailer For Grand Theft Auto V – Michael

In which Jason and Mat Catastrophe review the trailer for Grand Theft Auto V: Michael.

JASON
Hey, Mat.

Looks like our Grand Theft Auto V mobster has a few issues to work out with his therapist. He can’t choose between the chaos of a life of crime and the stability of being a family man. You know, the real Grand Theft Auto is the grand theft of his autonomy to be a criminal.

That’d be a good New Yorker cartoon caption, right? Maybe a guy in a burglar mask on a therapist’s couch could say it. Or the therapist could say it to his lady companion as they observe the thief from the sidewalk as he tries to jimmy a car door open with a coat hanger, tongue halfway out of his mouth. Come to think of it, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anyone in a New Yorker cartoon stick out their tongue. Do the people in the world of New Yorker cartoons even have tongues? I guess they just open their mouths and serif fonts just spill right out.

Mad Max Can Also Sink A Putt-Putt Ball Through Abraham Lincoln’s Legs In One Stroke

Mad Max Can Also Sink A Putt-Putt Ball Through Abraham Lincoln’s Legs In One Stroke

When the world becomes a hellish, post-apocalyptic wasteland, and society has devolved into a brutal, Darwinian struggle for survival, making time for exercise will be more important than ever. Sure, we’ll have all those fierce car chases, blazing gun battles and vicious bouts of hand-to-hand combat to get out heart rates up. And a very lucky few among us will even get to compete in the Thunderdome, where two men enter, but only one man leaves. Even so, I’m sure that the fitness experts in this sandblasted future will agree that nothing beats a nice, brisk walk.

Watch Dogs: God Will Give You Blood To Drink And Cracklins To Pray Into

Watch Dogs: God Will Give You Blood To Drink And Cracklins To Pray Into

In which Jason and Randy Osborne review the trailer for Watch Dogs.

JASON

Hey, Randy.

I wonder what it’s like to have people eat sushi off your naked body. The lady in the trailer for Watch Dogs seems pretty bored with it. She might as well be playing Candy Crush on her phone. Kind of looks like they just threw a bunch of sushi rolls on her butt and called it a day.

WatchDogs_sushi_2

She’s probably lying there thinking, “Well, guess I’m a plate now. Nothing left to do but lie perfectly still and let this creepy businessman do his thing. This is fine mess you’ve gotten us into, nudity.”

Grand Theft Auto V – Trevor: Bilbo Baggins Would Have Never Left Me Behind When He Became A Junior Counselor

Grand Theft Auto V – Trevor: Bilbo Baggins Would Have Never Left Me Behind When He Became A Junior Counselor

In my whole life, I’ve only met one person named Trevor. He was a tall, gangly kid, with spindly, twig-like legs that, when I think back on them now, remind me of a crane.

Although in that summer before I entered the sixth grade, I’m pretty sure I didn’t know what a crane was. I went to four different schools in my elementary school career, and I somehow missed out on the class in which cranes were discussed.

Castlevania – Lords of Shadow 2: The Only Thing That Sucks Harder Than Dracula At Dollywood Is Joyful Noise

Castlevania – Lords of Shadow 2: The Only Thing That Sucks Harder Than Dracula At Dollywood Is Joyful Noise

Dracula sure knows how to swing a whip, doesn’t he? I used to have a whip I played with as a kid. Probably around the time the first Castlevania game came out. My grandparents bought the whip for me at a Cherokee Indian Reservation close to Gatlinburg, Tennessee. We were headed to the Smoky Mountains, but I wanted to go to Dollywood.

The Order – 1886: In Another World, You’re Reading This In The Shadow Of My Castle

The Order – 1886: In Another World, You’re Reading This In The Shadow Of My Castle

I’m a sucker for alternate realities. Hell, I can’t grow the faintest hint of beard stubble without feeling like Spock from the “Mirror, Mirror” episode of Star Trek (or Evil Abed from “The Darkest Timeline” on Community).

I especially love alternate-reality mash-ups. That kid who spent hours having his G.I. Joe action figures storm the Death Star? That was me. When the kids on my block were torn between playing Cowboys & Indians or Star Wars, I was the one who said, “Let’s do both!”

inFAMOUS – Second Son: Usually I Wish For Naked Women, Not On Them

inFAMOUS – Second Son: Usually I Wish For Naked Women, Not On Them

Looks like the hero in inFAMOUS: Second Son is a graffiti artist in addition to having superpowers. I never got into graffiti, but one of my friends used to tag “JungleKid” all over Atlanta back in 2000.

Mass Effect 3: Reinstated

Mass Effect 3: Reinstated

In which Jason and Everett Steele, co-creator of Bon-Rappetite, discuss the Mass Effect 3: Reinstated Trailer.

J: I haven’t seen a soldier this threatened by an enormous squid since Beetle Bailey’s girlfriend made him try an Ika Maki roll at Benihana. And by Beetle Bailey’s girlfriend, I mean Sarge. I have to say, the female Commander Shepard in this trailer looks a little like a grown-up Pippi Longstocking. Which explains why the two newest companions in her squad are a spotted horse and a monkey named Mr. Nilsson. Don’t worry, the horse is a biotic and the monkey keeps Medi-gel packs under his comical straw hat.