Twitter/Prints/Photos

twitter on 2010-05-31

May 31, 2010

Why did the network administrator storm out of the restaurant? Because he couldn’t find a dedicated server. # My girlfriend flipped off a tailgating guy on the highway who looked like Ed Begley, Jr. # Just discovered my talking dog impression sounds like George W. Bush. #

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twitter on 2010-05-24

May 24, 2010

They should have a show where people amend errors made by Kelsey Grammer and call it “Correct Your Grammer”. # Damn, why does a potbelly look good on a pig, but not on me? # Didn’t get selected for Jury Duty. I did, however, get selected as a “Jury Cutie”. #

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twitter on 2010-05-17

May 17, 2010

The “Q” in the word “Barbeque” makes me think of a pig’s curly tail. # Dreamt my friends and I were Jedi. We had to get our lightsabers from under an Atlanta souvenir store. We got milkshakes AND lightsabers. # Bring me a pizza, Internet! # Saw a guy who looks like a cross between [...]

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twitter on 2010-05-10

May 10, 2010

Drunk guy with rakish mustache wearing Crocs laughing hysterically next to ATM with his drunk girlfriend. # “Oh, you’re from the funny farm, are ya? Yeah, the funny farm…” —disheveled man in the Publix lot, about my Milledgeville bumper sticker. #

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twitter on 2010-05-03

May 3, 2010

If Jake Gyllenhaal ever mutates into a giant city-destroying monster, I’ll finally get to yell, “Jake Gyllenhaal will kill us all!” # Slipped in the shower this morning pretending to walk like a robot. Guess it wasn’t the graceful kind of robot. # Thought up the “corned onion”. Corn stuffed in a hollowed out onion, [...]

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twitter on 2010-04-26

April 26, 2010

Here’s a tip for cleaning your bathroom: pull the shower curtain closed. Now you’re halfway done! # Y’all hear about the grand opening of the theater that banned all Will Smith movies? It went off without a “Hitch”. # Saw a bumper sticker today that said IMPEACH OBAMA. I wonder how he got the nickname [...]

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twitter on 2010-04-19

April 19, 2010

Y'all heard of the guy who plays Wu-Tang songs on his typewriter? Calls himself Old QWERTY Bastard. # Hey iPhone, just because the audiobook I'm listening to isn't narrated by Steve Jobs, that's no reason to completely remove it arbitrarily. # I wonder who the first historically funny monkey was. # You think if you [...]

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twitter on 2010-04-12

April 12, 2010

“man that Dixie Carter she 70 she dead” —me, trying to tell my girlfriend Dixie Carter had died and sounding like a hillbilly instead. # Eating ice cream out of the carton with a knife because all the dishes and spoons are dirty. At least I’m not stabbing anybody with it. # Cat taunting neighbor’s [...]

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twitter on 2010-04-05

April 5, 2010

Hey did ya’ll hear they are making an all tree Deee-Lite cover band? Their big song is “Grove Is in the Heart”. # Saw the Easter Bunny riding around in the back of a Cadillac yesterday. Guess hiding eggs from children pays better than I thought. # Some girl came into Chick-fil-A and smacked another [...]

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twitter on 2010-03-29

March 29, 2010

Congresswoman Jem and her staff the Holograms indicted on charges they misappropriated local and federal funds. Truly, truly outrageous. # Almost slipped a bag of cough drops into the mail slot instead of my Netflix envelope. That’s not going to get me another movie. # Hero graphic designer works while sick, refuses medal of honor. [...]

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