I was bitten by a rooster, Blacula, and Count Chocula, all on the same day. Transforming me into the most terrifying of all monsters: Cock Blockula.

My first victim? Myself. Actually, I didn’t even need that assortment of animals and monsters to bite me, I was already cock blocking myself at a professional level.

Have you ever had a homeless guy come up to you asking for change, and the person you’re with is like, “Don’t give him any money! They’re just going to spend it on booze!”

First of all, that’s rude. The homeless guy doesn’t get to come to your office and say, “Don’t give him that paycheck! He’s just going to spend it on bills, rent, and groceries! Also, adult websites where you finally get to see what happens when college girls lose their inhibitions behind closed doors, but your wife doesn’t know that you have a subscription to it because it shows up on the credit card statement as Wayne Enterprises, not THAT Wayne Enterprises, though the CEO does dress like Batman, but it’s a fetish thing.”

Wow. That homeless guy knows a lot about your spending habits and the CEO of Wayne Enterprises.

Second of all, there is no need to keep a homeless man sober. He is not taking the SATs later. He is not giving a TED talk. He is not making hand-crafted tiny furniture for dollhouses. His day is wide open.

I guess people don’t like giving beer money to people who don’t have houses. This is why when I give a homeless guy money, I make him promise to make an appointment with my realtor. Fortunately for him, my realtor is also a homeless guy. Which is why I live in a refrigerator box.

I love my George Foreman Grill. I cook everything on it. Hot dogs, hamburgers, you name it. If I could cook a Cadbury Creme Egg on it, I would. Another thing I like about the George Foreman Grill is that George Foreman’s signature is on every single grill. What this means is, you can write whatever you want on a George Foreman Grill, and George Foreman is legally obligated to honor it. It’s a binding contract. Also, in the state of Georgia, grills are admissible in court as legal documents. I now have 75% of George Foreman’s estate and full custody of all five of his sons named George, except for the youngest one, who I renamed Cadbury Creme Egg, which makes what I said at the beginning of this paragraph much creepier.

I like living in Atlanta, but it is a very expensive city. Every time I leave my apartment, I spend twenty dollars. Twenty dollars for drinks, twenty dollars for parking, twenty dollars to eat. The last time anyone wanted this many pictures of Andrew Jackson, Martin Van Buren was putting together a scrapbook to masturbate to. That’s right. A joke about an old dead president jerking off to another old dead president.

In fact, that’s all they do in old dead president heaven, is jerk off to each other. It’s why they ran for office!