A lot of people think that the first person to cut a hole in a tub of popcorn to put their dick inside of it was a guy in a movie theater trying to get a handjob. Actually, it was Orville Redenbacher. He used his penis as a measuring stick. Anytime he wanted to test a new flavor of gourmet popcorn with a focus group, he’d fill a tub and put his dick inside. If all he could see afterwards was the tip, he knew it was back to the drawing board. But if the level of popcorn dropped to the base of his shaft, he knew he had a winner. In fact, this is where the phrase “Poppycock” comes from. He’d get so excited about a successful new line of popcorn, he’d try to yell, “Popcorn Cock!” but would get too worked up to say all the syllables.
Incidentally, his dick could also taste butter. How do I know this? I used a Ouija board to contact the ghost of Orville Redenbacher’s butter-tasting dick and ask it questions about its amazing abilities. Actually, it just used the planchette to write the word “BOOBS” because it is the spirit of a popcorn baron’s genitals, and therefore has limited cognitive functions and mostly just thinks about sex.
I took my dog down to visit my grandfather last week. I’ve had my dog for four months now, and thought it would be nice for her to meet my grandfather. He always has a cigar in his mouth, so it was super-cute when she tried to take the cigar away from him. It wasn’t as cute when she put the cigar out on the back of a prostitute’s hand. I think the first red flag, for me, should have been when my dog wanted to hire a prostitute for the trip down to see my grandfather.
According to the LL Cool J song “Around the Way Girl”, LL Cool J’s ideal woman has at least two pair of bamboo earrings, a perm, and is wearing rayon, silk or maybe even denim. Good news, LL Cool J. I think I saw your soulmate haggling over the price of some porcelain dolls on Antiques Roadshow.
My friend put a photo on Facebook of some little kids in superhero costumes and captioned it, “Superman, Batman, and Captain America are all here. Who’s watching over the city of Atlanta?” So I wrote, “Tyler Perry.”
But somehow, my comment ended up on an album that my ex-girlfriend put up of pictures of her kid. So there’s pictures of him running around, hugging his Mom, playing with toys, just general little kid stuff. And what was my response to this montage of childhood memories?
She responds with “????” and I write, “I don’t know, it’s a Facebook glitch, I’m not sure what happened.” But later I got to thinking, and I realized that I stand by my original comment. That is what I think of your kid. Tyler Perry. Tyler Perry to you, little boy! In my defense, the kid was dressed like Madea.
Finally, I think we can all agree that there is no arguing with results. “Results” being the name of the bouncer at the strip club where I am no longer welcome.
Photo by Flickr user charisse joy photography.