Along With The Rest Of The Max Rebo Band: The Best Ways To Pretend You’re Holding A Lightsaber

Along With The Rest Of The Max Rebo Band: The Best Ways To Pretend You’re Holding A Lightsaber

Of all the ways to pretend you’re holding a lightsaber, waving a long cardboard tube around and making the VRRUMMM noise is generally considered to be the preferred method. Unless you are an actual Jedi. Then you might want to spend money on the real thing. The lightsaber, not the VRRUMMM noise. Talk about putting the cart before the horse. The cart is the VRRUMMM noise, and the horse is the lightsaber. Is that an apt comparison? Could one consider the lightsaber to be pulling the VRRUMMM noise around? Maybe the VRRUMMM noise is the wheels on the cart, and the cart is the lightsaber and the Jedi is the horse. That’s right, impoverished Jedi. You’re the beast of burden in this analogy!

Which is why Mick Jagger wrote “Beast of Burden” from the perspective of a Jedi addressing his lightsaber. “Am I hard enough? Am I rough enough? Am I rich enough?” All questions frequently asked by Jedis to their lightsabers. And the lightsabers respond, “Music on the radio, come on baby, make sweet love to me.” Then the Jedis disable the speech capabilities of their lightsabers, because they have warned their lightsabers several times about inappropriate remarks.

If you must utilize a cardboard tube for your lightsaber needs, consider waving your hand like Obi-Wan Kenobi and using the Force to convince your opponents that your lightsaber is legitimate. “This is not a cardboard tube from inside a roll of Garfield ‘Growing Old is Mandatory, Growing Up Is Optional‘ birthday wrapping paper,” you’ll calmly say to Max Rebo, the blue elephant creature from the Cantina, “it is a functioning lightsaber, and it wishes no one a happy birthday, not even Jim Davis. It will cut you in half, asshole.” Not sure why you’re being so confrontational to Max Rebo in this scenario. Probably because he’s an asshole, along with the rest of The Max Rebo Band.

Actually, I’m sure that a lightsaber could be programmed to wish Jim Davis a happy birthday. Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber has wished the creator of Hagar the Horrible a Happy Valentine’s Day every year since 1976. Darth Vader’s lightsaber constantly sexts Dilbert’s Scott Adams. But for some reason, when Adams replies with his own dirty pics, they go straight to the respirator on Darth Vader’s chest. Which is why Vader is always breathing so hard. He’s really turned on!

Some people prefer a more realistic, officially-licensed-by-LucasFilm lightsaber for their elaborate Star Wars fantasies, with metal hilts, glowing blades, and authentic sound effects. They want to be immersed in the full Star Wars experience. They want to be baptized in George Lucansian waters. For thriftier Jedi, this can be accomplished by paying a heavyset man from Craigslist to wear a Jar Jar Binks mask and hold your head underwater in a bathtub. For an additional $10, he’ll make the VRRUMMM noise. For $30, he’ll dress like a baby.

But please don’t play with his emotions. Yes, he knows this Star Wars fetish play is strictly business. But he’s still a person under the rubber Jar Jar mask. A person with feelings, hopes, and dreams. Look, he’s been doing this a long time. He’s been around the block a few times, mainly to make sure there aren’t any cops around, but also figuratively. And this feels different, you know? He’s asking you to give him a chance. Let him into your heart. All he’s saying is, don’t throw the adult baby out with the bath water.

And this is why cardboard tubes are superior for pretending you have a lightsaber. May the Force be with you, George Lucas look-alike from Craigslist with adult baby syndrome. And also with you, Jim Davis. Happy Birthday!