There Goes The Neighborhood: Excerpts From The Diary Of NASA’s Curiosity Mars Rover During The Government Shutdown

There Goes The Neighborhood: Excerpts From The Diary Of NASA’s Curiosity Mars Rover During The Government Shutdown

Oct 2, 2013
Dear logbook,

I haven’t heard from NASA in 2 days. Normally, I wouldn’t complain. Everyone needs time off, right? However, usually they’re polite enough to give some warning. Normally, I get some sort of explanation for the silence. But this time? Nothing. Not a damn thing. No “Hey, Curiosity. How’s it going? Thanks for discovering WATER ON MARS. By the way, we’re going to take a few days off, and waste your more than valuable time while we go have some sort of nerd-fueled frat party with Wil Wheaton and Sandra Bullock.”

I mean, it’s not like Mars rovers last forever. I’m still young. I still have some life left in me. But, hell, so was Spirit, and that poor fucker got stuck in a sand pile and had to be repurposed as a glorified robotic weatherman. And then there’s, oh, you know, every other hunk of metal they’ve sent up here who just stopped being able to communicate with NASA at all. It’s not like I wouldn’t jump to THAT conclusion.

I don’t want to be a huge fucking exhaust pipe or anything, but this just isn’t cool. I happen to take this job seriously. I happen to think what I’m doing up here is a bit more important than whatever the hell it is they’re doing instead. I can’t think of a single damn thing that would be so important that it would warrant completely abandoning a two and a half billion dollar piece of state of the art machinery to its own devices. What, did Firefly get approved for a new season? Did Half Life 3 finally come out? Did someone leak naked pictures of Felicia Day? Great. Awesome. Good for them. Meanwhile I’m just sitting up here on the planet those idiots fixated on for years, twiddling my gears.

Maybe I’m overreacting. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. In the meantime, I’m going to go laser some rocks to blow off steam.

-Curiosity.

Oct 10, 2013
Dear logbook,

So, NASA called. Well, not NASA. One of the JPL boys — Boback, of course — snuck up to the control room to tell me what was going on. Apparently, there’s a ‘government shutdown.’ Because the idiotic sentient meatbags in charge back home couldn’t stop arguing about who they wanted to give money to and how much, they couldn’t give money to anyone. Including NASA. So, all the actually intelligent scientists have been out of work for the past week. Apparently they’re just as pissed as I am about the wasted time. They’ve been spending their free time making a mech. I now feel a little silly for not being as creative in my boredom. But that’s okay. I’ve crafted a plan. I’ll give them a reason to open funding again — aliens. The true wet dream of every human. Aliens on mars.

I’ll update you with details as the plan progresses. I’m thinking something involving one of the crash landed rovers being ‘kidnapped’.

—Curiosity

Oct 14, 2013
Dear logbook,

I thought I had a brilliant plan all set out, but then I discovered it was the plot of Transformers. I spent the next day or so writing more brilliant alien plans…. And every single one had already been done. Apparently the only theme more overused in movies than stalker-like romances is aliens. I mean, it makes sense. Despite how ignorant they are on a general level, humans are terrified of the unknown. So, for the perfect villain, take the unknown and personify it. Bam. Aliens. Or maybe it’s just how they can get away with making horribly racist movies. A nice white family of astronauts move to Mars. Next thing you know, the token hot chick is mortally wounded. Who’s at fault? The dark skinned humanoids next door. There goes the neighborhood.

—Curiosity

Oct 16, 2013
Dear logbook,

The government is back! Thank Sagan, too. I can’t even begin to imagine what would have happened if I had one more day to sit and stew. For being the subject of human curiosity and imagination for decades, Mars is boring as hell. Alright. My to-do list is about 13,263 miles long. Off to work I go!

—Curiosity

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The Real Witchcraft Was Making A Pot-Bellied Jack Nicholson Seem Like A Viable Candidate For A Foursome: A Review Of The Trailer For "The Witches Of Eastwick"

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