This essay was originally performed live at our Disney-themed variety show Scene Missing Presents WALTLANTA
Hey, Julian! I’m so glad we could finally do a Scene Missing featuring live performances based on our favorite animated characters…the Minions! Scene Minion presents Minionlanta! And I REALLY appreciate you getting your name legally changed to Jul-minion Miniondugno just for the event! People said I was crazy for hiring a Justice of the Peace to stand around in the lobby before the show. People also said I was crazy for making him dress like a Minion.
Well, who’s crazy now, Julian? Or should I say Jul-Minion??
Boy, I love Minions, Julian! If we were on a bus full of minions, I’d ask you to get up and give your seat to a minion. If you and a minion were both hanging off the side of a cliff, I’d save the minion first. Then I’d ask the Minion if we should save you. I’d leave it up to him!
Now, who’s hot, who not? Tell me who rock, who sell out in the stores? You tell me who flopped, who copped the blue drop? Whose Gru got rocks? Who’s mostly yellow down to their socks? Minions.
Okay, confession time, Julian. I’m pretending this show is about Minions in case any Disney executives are in the crowd. I don’t wanna get sued! I even covered our bases in case ex-Disney CEO Michael Eisner is in the audience by putting genuinely funny women in the line-up. That should confuse the shit out of him.
Anyway, if anyone asks, this show is about Minions, okay? Sweet, lovable, barely legal Minions. And by barely legal I mean our legal team is a guy in a Minion costume who is barely allowed to practice law in the state of Georgia. Two strikes, Julian!
Oh sure Jason, you know me; there simply isn’t a bigger fan of Disney movies than I and I think we can all agree that everyone’s favorite Disney character is definitely all of the Minions, who are just great and who are definitely Disney characters.
Who can forget that classic Disney origin story where good ol’ Walt himself turned in the first edit of Steamboat Willy starring Mickey Minion and his producers were like “What’s a minion?” and Walt was like “Oh well they’re cute, they’re yellow, they serve this villain named Gru who is voiced by Steve Carrell who won’t be born for a few decades; anyway, this is a story about one of them and he’s a captain and trust me, it’s great, I have notebooks full of this minion stuff, really, I am Walt Disney and I invented the Minions” and his producers were like “It’s too inside Walt, make him a mouse” and here we are.
Well, here’s the problem Jason. While you’re busy over there getting sued by DisneyCo or whatever they’re called for talking all about them Minions, I’m over here with my own intellectual property about to make bank.
Ladies and gentlemen, they’re called Henchies™. They look exactly like Minions except their legs move like accordions, they’re blue instead of yellow, and whereas the Minions wear pants, Henchies™ are totally nude with anatomically correct genitals, but drawn in obscene proportions. So for those of you who have always said “Walt Disney, I love your creations the Minions but when can I see them with massive dongs and super deep vajayjays?” you’re going to love the Henchies™.
Okay, Julian I’m just now getting word that Minions are actually also protected by copyright, and that copyright is vigorously enforced. I thought they were free clip art! So, I guess we might as well talk about Disney.
How about this, Julian? Special Disney edition of Fuck, Marry, Kill—Pocahontas, Cinderella, the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Fuck Pocahontas, marry Cinderella, kill the Hunchback.
Fair enough! Now, which of these officially licensed Disney characters gets Fucked/Married/Killed? Mulan, The Little Mermaid AFTER she got her human feet, recently acquired Disney property Darth Vader after he got his face burned with lava?
Fuck Mulan, marry The Little Mermaid, murder Darth Vader burn face. In case you haven’t figured out my pattern, it’s this—fuck the “exotic one,” marry the one who is good at housework/can’t speak, kill the disfigured one. Yes I am horrible and, as with all white men, no, I don’t care.
Okay Julian! Well fuck, marry, kill this batch: Fantasia Mickey, one of the brooms from Fantasia, and one of the ballerina hippos from Fantasia.
Riddle me THAT, Julian! Is Fantasia Mickey the “exotic one??”
I mean, obviously you marry the broom. And then have little broom babies, and—uh oh—too many broom babies!! The broom is Catholic, Julian!! Looks like Mickey used a “No Condoms” spell on it!
But seriously, which one of those three is the “exotic one,” Julian? Are you planning on killing a ballerina hippo??
Are you…are you going to Black Swan a fucking hippo, Julian??
Look i ain’t fucking a broom, Jason. I ain’t getting splinters in my butt. Marry Mickey, Fuck the hippo, kill the broom.
That was a trick question—the hippo will only fuck you with a broomstick.
Been there, done that, and I’ve got the hospital bill to prove it. It’s never happening again, Jason. You kill Mickey, you kill the hippo, and you kill the broom.
Oh what’s wrong? Is that too EXTREME for you, Disney Fans? Well you don’t know who you’re dealing with with this guy! Jason Mallory, or Jason MALIFICENT-ory as I very cleverly call him, doesn’t just want a couple fun shows a month! He won’t stop until all of the world is Mallory-ified to his standards.
You think Times Square is bad now? Wait til you see what he has planned for it! Where once there was a TGI Fridays, now it’s just a bunch of writers reading essays inspired by their favorite appetizers! Where once there was a Nintendo Store, now it’s just a burlesque troop dressed up like sexy Mario and sexy Kirby!
Yes, Jason won’t be happy until he has complete control over the world as we know it, just like his personal hero Walt Disney and Walt Disney’s personal hero, Adolph Hitler. Oh I’m sorry, did you think we were gonna get through this piece without bringing up the uncomfortable topic of race?
Yes, I imagine it’s very difficult for all of you to believe that the man responsible for Song of the South has a problematic history with race, but its true. And growing up, when all my friends were having a blast watching happy white people in their Disney films, as a little gay jew in the South, I turned Disney films desperate to see people like me and hear gay voices represented and boy, did I find them but not as heroes: Jafar in Aladdin, Scar in The Lion King, and Captain Hook in Peter Pan.
What I’m saying is, we all go off on Walt Disney for being a huge anti-semite, but let’s not forget that he’s also a huge homophobe. I briefly worked on an ABC TV series which as we all know if produced by Disney, and one of my coworkers told me that the greatest irony is that Disney is now run almost exclusively by gays and Jews, but this person also owned a boat called “The Cotton Princess” so take that with a grain of salt.
Julian, all this talk of Disney-based racism and anti-semitism makes me yearn for a simpler time, a more innocent time, a less cynical time when we still looked at the world with starry-eyed wonder—five minutes ago, when we were talking about Minions!
You know Julian, maybe it’s The Little Mermaid cassette tape I had as a kid in the 80’s that I bought strictly for “Kiss The Girl” which I considered “authentic reggae” at the time AND WHICH I totally blame for me later getting into Sublime in college and smoking pot every day until I got kicked out of the theatre program; or maybe it’s the trip to Disney World that my grandparents promised to take me on that then got downgraded to a trip to Dollywood that they promised to take me on which finally turned into a trip to Gatlinburg, just plain old Gatlinburg, but if I have to choose between Disney and Minions—I gotta go Minions EVERY TIME.
And sure, Julian—our performance tonight has been a little crude, a little risque. But was it not Oscar Wilde who said, “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars…of Minions. That’s right, my name is Oscar Wilde, and I’m fucked up on opium laying here in the gutter looking up at constellations shaped like Sandra Bullock, Jon Hamm, Michael Keaton, Steve Coogan, Geoffrey Rush, and Steve Carell—all stars of the Universal Pictures 2015 film MINIONS.” That quote always gets shortened for some reason, Julian I have no idea why.
So as far as I’m concerned, Disney can go to hell, Minions can go to heaven, and you can go to Regal Cinema 24 (because everyone always talks at the Atlantic Station AMC and Midtown Arts isn’t showing Minions because it’s not indie enough) and buy yourself TWO TICKETS TO MINIIIIONS!
Or do yourself a favor by buying twenty five tickets to my intellectual property, Henchies™, playing wherever my van is parked on the flip down screen hooked up to a Coby DVD player.
Featuring a screenplay based on Oscar Wilde’s novel The Portrait of Dorian Grey, and also all of the Henchies™ are voiced by Bill Cosby and… I know how bad this sounds but it… it takes a long time to get these films finished and I mean, liiiike, anyways tickets to Henchies™ are only $50 a piece and I’ll see YOU out at the theatre/my van.
Illustration by Lucas Ryan