Hold On To Your Raisins: How The Man From The Goatse Photo Will Cause The End Of The World

Hold On To Your Raisins: How The Man From The Goatse Photo Will Cause The End Of The World

Some people say the world will end in fire. Some people say it will end in ice. I say it will end when the man from the Goatse photo bends over at a particular angle in front of the sun, and the exposure to such a massive black hole causes the sun to collapse in on itself.

And he’s not blameless, either! He knows the terrible power he wields. He gets off on it! Probably not as much as he gets off on having people look at his cavernous rear end, but he definitely gets enjoyment out of it.

He discovered his power late one night as he was getting a midnight snack, and bent over in front an open refrigerator, causing a bottle of Sunny Delight to implode! (A nearby bottle of purple stuff was unaffected.) That was when he realized the thermodynamic devastation he could cause on the sun, and on products with suns in their logos.

To test his theory, he bent over in front of a box of Raisin Bran cereal, causing Sunny the Raisin Bran Sun to go supernova and lose his grip on the two scoops of raisins he’s been holding on to all these years. Though I guess if you’re an exploding star, holding on to raisins is pretty low on your list of raisins. I actually meant to type “priorities” but wrote “raisins” instead. And then I laughed at the idea of a list of raisins, so I kept it in.

You know who would be at the top of my list of raisins? The California Raisins, no doubt about it. On second thought, what kind of list is this? Is it a list of my enemies? Have the California Raisins aligned against me? Even you, sunglasses-wearing raisin riding a skateboard? And you, sunglasses-wearing raisin playing the saxophone?

Why did the California Raisins need so many pairs of sunglasses? The sun has already had its way with them. Not sexually. But that’s how raisins are made, by drying grapes in the sun. Maybe California Raisins are created when the sun has had sex with a grape. That’s why they have such cool attitudes, because they’re sexually satisfied.

And this explains why the man from the Goatse photo has decided to destroy the sun. He’s jealous! Why won’t the sun have sex with him? He even rented an enormous Fruit of the Loom grape costume! I’ll tell you why, Goatse man. Because like a gentleman who refuses to date a woman with fake breasts, the sun doesn’t go for no fake grapes.

What I’m getting at, man in the Goatse photo, is be true to yourself- and to your outstretched sphincter. You don’t need to change who you are to please other people. So often, we try to fill the hole inside ourselves with the approval or affection of others. But sometimes the hole inside of us is what sets us apart and makes us special.

We are not only defined by what is present inside, but also what is absent. Look inside yourself, man from the Goatse photo. The rest of us have, regrettably. I think you’ll like what you don’t find.