SM: Please recommend a phrase to mutter under one’s breath, moments after running out of bullets, crouched behind a rock, hearing the approaching footsteps of a rival.
BS: “Dark By Five” in parrot voice, and then “Dead By Dawn” in the voice of the guys that own the hardware store in the green part of Brooklyn. This also works for every grey Portland winter day.
SM: How would we recognize you in the land of sleep and dreaming?
BS: I’m the guy trying to fly, but my toes are skimming along the surface, sometimes I can get a good 10 feet of air. I just can’t maintain. I’m wearing red trunks and have a hairy chest instead of a hairy back. Think old school circus.
SM: What do you think would be a good opening line for a romance novel?
BS: I smote the with thine own lips, and wish upon my loins to be-eth in your midgarden.
SM: What is the first thing you want to know on arriving in a strange city?
BS: Left. Right. Forward. Backward. Then after that. Where is the pool?
SM: Please tell us a brief anecdote to enliven our evening/afternoon/morning.
BS: So tomorrow I am visiting monkeys at a primate rescue center. But last night, still technically this morning since it’s 6:23a.m., I had this dream that one of the triplets of Belville was taking care of these two very old Cheetahs, with lots of grey hair. One was really happy to see me, but every-time I would get close she would try to bite me. Too old and too slow. So I am going to give both cheetahs a bath in the back of the station wagon. Why, I don’t know. But the when I turn on the hose, the end, which is around a blind corner, sprays Stephen Colbert right across the front of his new polo shirt. His collar is turned up, and he is pissed. We wrestle and I get the upperhand because I have a cheetah sponge, and he doesn’t want to get more dirty on account that he is in a high powered lawn meeting.
SM: Please invent an imaginary friend and an imaginary enemy, set them to dueling, and let us know who wins.
BS: Smogman vs Captain Panties, not to be confused with Panties man. Captain Panties is my friend and he always loses. Smogman is quick and has the more powerful smells.
SM: What aspect of your work are you proudest of?
BS: I guess when I get a good sugar buzz and the creative juices are a flowing, and I come up with something either very inspired or I make a funny joke (Which almost always turns out to only be funny to me), I feel proud at that moment to be me. And then the sugar is gone, and the idea is doofy and I am back to earth.
SM: When was the last time you drank to excess?
BS: I think the eighth grade. I rarely drink. Now, I can eat ice cream and cookies to a suffering excess on a by daily basis.
SM: What was your last good deed?
BS: I helped a lady move a couch into her shop off the street. She thought it was a good deed, casue she said that people just don’t do that sort of thing anymore. Tomorrow I bring bananas and grapes to the monkeys.
SM: Please compose a brief poem or haiku on the subject of your choosing.
Smogman always wins
Cry pollute rain on all… burns