SM: If you were to draw a locomotive, what would you be sure to include in the portrait?
EF: I wouldn’t attempt a locomotive without checking Google Images first. I have no idea how to draw locomotives.
SM: What is something you would like people to know about you?
EF: I like dumb jokes. Short dumb jokes, like knock-knocks and riddles. Here’s one a friend of mine told me recently: what did the 0 say to the 8?
“Nice belt.” (Haw!) Best if you can tell a lot of them all in a row.
SM: What’s the first thing you normally do when attending a party thrown by a stranger?
EF: Figure out where to put my coat. Sometimes that means ditching it somewhere, like behind a plant.
SM: What was your last good deed?
EF: I picked up the check for lunch when my friend was in the bathroom. Given, it was just for a couple of burritos, but still.
SM: Please create, describe and give a name befitting a magical creature for you to ride around on.
EF: I prefer my car. Very fond of my car. Okay, so it’s a magical ’68 Cougar that plays Led Zeppelin really loud.
SM: Please regale us with an anecdote.
EF: This isn’t exactly an anecdote but it’s something I noted recently: When I moved to Seattle in 1989, I saw my first “Honey Bucket.” Not that I hadn’t seen my share of porta-potties before (including the “Porta-Janes” at the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival) but the name “Honey Bucket” struck me as both unbelievably gross and strangely rude. Puts to mind a nice, sweet thing like honey, and then transforms that vision to a nasty, smelly, sludgy mix of excrement. In a bucket.
SM: If animals doubled as canvas for art, what animal would you like to paint on?
EF: Oh, a human. I’ve actually toyed with the idea of becoming a tattoo artist, but that’s all I need, another low-paying, very competitive art job. A few Halloweens ago, I used markers to draw “sleeves” on a guy who was dressing as Tommy Lee, and that was fun. Skin is a great surface to draw on.
SM: What could you tell the devil that he doesn’t know already?
EF: Probably nothing.
SM: When was the last time you were in a moving vehicle for an extended period of time?
EF: The plane ride from New York back to Seattle. And you know, the whole ordeal takes so much longer now what with all the security and everything.
SM: Please compose a brief poem or haiku on the subject of your choosing.