SM: When was the last time something left you with a profound sense of mystery?
LCK: A couple of years ago I was living in Venice CA. Every morning I would go out to my car to find that someone had spit on the door handle. This happened every morning for about a month. I tried getting up super early to catch who was doing it but they would already have spit on it. I even came home late one night, like 3am, then woke up at 6, and somehow they’d spit on my car in those three hours. My friend Dino suggested that maybe I was sleep-walking and doing it myself.
SM: If human beings had monkey-like tails, how would you utilize yours?
LCK: I would cut mine off and beat a monkey with it.
SM: What made you laugh the hardest in the last three days?
LCK: My daughter (2 1/2 years old) told me a story that made no sense. I laughed really hard and she liked that, but then she got serious and said “Okay, stop laughing” and that made me laugh even harder until she started to cry.
SM: What were doing around the time of this interview three years ago?
LCK: September of 2001? I guess I was reeling from 9/11 like everyone else.
SM: If you had to choose one song to play every time you entered any public building, what would your entrance song be, and why?
LCK: It would be a song who’s lirycs go like this “Please give a million dollars to Louie C.K.!” It’s a long shot, but someone might go for it.
SM: When was the last time you got into a physical fight?
LCK: I was in sixth grade and the other kid was a third grader. he came up to me during recess and spit on me. I followed him all the way home after school, trying to muster the courage to beat him up. He reached his house and turned to face me, thinking I couldn’t hit him because he was on his own yard. I punched him in the eye, he screamed, and his mother came running out of the h ouse. I ran all the way home. When I got there I jacked off. (just kidding)
SM: T.S Eliot, C.S. Lewis and William Blake are disguising themselves to move into an all girls apartment complex. Who gets discovered and who passes for a beautiful lady? Explain.
LCK: This is your problem, not mine. Fuck you and all three of these guys. And fuck the stupid whores they move in with too. Fuck this whole question. (Just kidding)
SM: Regale us, please, with an anecdote.
LCK: I was living in a tiny apartment in New York City with Nick Dipaolo, a very funny Italian Boston Comedian with very little patience for anyone. We sat watching the TV and I was chewing gum really loudly. After an hour of putting up with it in silence, he turned to me and said in an icy voice “How’s that gum?”
SM: Hypothetical: names spoken aloud are outlawed, and every one has to choose a visual symbol to represent themselves. Describe your symbol.
LCK: I would be represented by a series of five symbols. The first one would be a long verticle line with a shorter horizontal line attached to it’s base, pointing to the right. The second would be a oblong circle. The third would be a curved line with both ends pointing straight up, the middle curving downward. The fourth would be a short vertical line with a dot over it and the fifth would be an “E”.
SM: Compose a haiku on any topic.
A dead ant lays smushed on the ground
Haha, faggot ant.