Interview w/ Michael Colton • Co-Creator of the “Modern Humorist” website.

SM: Please design a proper flag to sail over a captured fort, be it made of stone or couch cushions.

MC: I believe this is the answer you’re looking for.

SM: When was the last time you consumed something to excess?

MC: That’s easy. Thanksgiving dinner. When I went on a huge cocaine binge.

SM: Please recommend a good opening line for a book short stories regarding depression era Georgia.

MC: “You are not the kind of guy who would be at a place like this at this time of the morning. But here you are…”

SM: What was the last big misunderstanding for which you were responsible?

MC: Five years ago, an article I wrote calling Tinky-Winky a “gay Teletubby” was the article that set off Jerry Falwell’s crusade. True story.

SM: Please enliven our afternoon/morning/evening with an anecdote.

MC: When I was in elementary school I stole my friend Mark’s issue of Justice League of America #200. Mark, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. You can have it back now.

SM: What do you turn to to remedy insomnia?

MC: Ironically, the movie “Insomnia.” (Both the Stellan Skarsgard and Al Pacino versions.)

SM: If it was really true that photographs steal a part of your soul, and in order to enter the afterlife properly, you had to get back all the photographs ever taken of you, what would you do to remedy the situation?

MC: I would start by calling up Honcho magazine ( and, somewhat embarrassed, ask to buy back the rights to the locker room spread (July ’96).

SM: If you woke up one morning to find the citizens in the city where you live had vanished, what album would you like to hear that day?

MC: “Holy Shit Everybody’s Gone What the Fuck Am I Going to Do” by The Velvet Underground.

SM: If you were heard to exclaim, “There it is!”, what would you most likely be pointing at?

MC: Sasquatch.

SM: Please compose a brief poem or haiku on the subject of your choosing.

Furu ike ya
Kawazu tobikomu
mizy no oto.

(To me, haikus are most expressive in their native Japanese.