SM: If you were to illustrate a silent windless grove of trees, what would you be sure to include?
WK: A pirate. And a honey glazed ham.
SM: How would you recelebrate last year’s birthday if you had the option?
WK: I’d remind people it was my birthday, it’s really kinda disheartening when everyone but your mom forgets you are turning 30. thats the kind of truth you’d just rather not know.
SM: What is the first thing you want to know on arriving in a strange city?
WK: Where the nice clean non-stinky bathrooms are.
SM: What do you seek out to remedy a need for spontaneity?
WK: A pirate and a honey glazed ham. oooh… and a cordless butane curling iron.
SM: Please regale us with an anecdote.
WK: This one time, when i was 6 yrs old, i found a bottle of nair in the bathroom closet, I didnt know what it was for, but It was a pretty shade of pink. Anyway, I read the directions on the back and just assumed that if this bottle of beauty fluid was telling me how to rid myself of facial hair then i must have a facial hair problem. so i slathered that stuff all over my face- forehead and all. then i waited. it only took a few minutes but my face started to BURN. i washed the stuff off but it only burned more, I ran crying and blistery to my mom who got the bottle and looked at the ingredients. My mom is a master of chemistry and she figured out by the chemical makeup of the hair remover that vinegar would neutralize the nair and stop the burning. it totally worked, my face was only a scabby red mess for a week or so- no scarring at all, but it really was so cool! see there, you get an anecdote, an antidote and a reason to pay attention in chemistry class.
SM: When was the last time you went on something you feel comfortable calling an adventure?
WK: 1999- i went to visit col. harland sanders ( you know… col. sanders of KFC) tomb in kentucky- amazing! there were even peacocks there. in march. in kentucky. wild peacocks just walking around. i took pictures.
SM: Barring their name or profession, what’s one of the first things you try to learn about someone after meeting them?
WK: How many illegitimate children they have. This is important because you really dont want to mess that number up when you’re giving a toast at their wedding.
SM: Please describe your face when you are trying to be serious.
WK: It kinda looks the same as when i’m sleeping, but my eyes are open.
SM: If we were sending a treasure chest to the bottom of the ocean, what would you want to put in it?
WK: Clean disposable diapers- cause that would be really spectacular when the seal starts to leak and the absorption starts taking place, and then i bet there’d be an huge explosion when the whole thing blows. and then the fish can use the diaper pieces to make their nests.
SM: Please compose a brief poem or haiku on the subject of your choosing.
I have a pattern
for how to turn a pig hide
into a football.