SM: When was the last time you had to wear a suit?
DB: I put a suit on for this interview. And now that you’ve mentioned it, I feel a tad overdressed.
SM: If you were hooked up to a breathing machine powered entirely by the music of one album, and you knew beforehand that you’d have to pick an album that your brain would come to associate with breathing, what album would you hitch up to that most unusual apparatus?
DB: ABBEY ROAD by The Beatles. It’s not necessarily my favorite album, but it’s the first one I ever owned. My cousins and I used to act out the song MAXWELL’S SILVER HAMMER. Nothing puts a smile on a child’s face quicker than the thought of killing someone with a hammer.
SM: What’s your first reaction to sudden and complete silence?
DB: I’m not a fan of it. I think that’s why I’m a stand-up comic. Because at least if the audience isn’t making any noise, I’ve got amplification in my hands and I’m not afraid to use it.
SM: If you had to spend the next twenty hours immersed in three words (i.e., all you can hear, speak, or think are these three words) what would they be and do you think you could ever bear to encounter them again afterwards?
DB: I’d have to go with “I like it” spoken in the voice of Borat from THE ALI G SHOW. And I could hear it again because that voice cracks me up every time. I also like saying “It’s good” and “My wife…” in the Borat voice. I’m sure some of my friends are sick of the Borat voice, because I do it all the time.
SM: Regale us, please, with an anecdote.
DB: One time I ran into someone I knew at a place where I went. True story.
SM: If human beings had monkey-like tails, how would you utilize yours?
DB: Four words: mas tur ba and tion.
SM: How do you make yourself laugh?
DB: Mouth farts get me almost every time.
SM: If you had to have an image airbrushed on your coffin, what would be rendered on your final resting place?
DB: The cast of SIX FEET UNDER. Smiling.
SM: What’s in your pockets right now?
DB: Cell phone; eye drops; an ink pen; wallet; keys; two quarters; several slips of paper with phone numbers and jokes on them. That answer proves that the truth isn’t funny. Or interesting.
SM: Compose for us a brief poem (haiku preferred but not required)
I’d write a haiku
If I felt like writing one
You write a haiku