Interview with Aziz Ansari • Comedian

SM: Please finish the following sentence: “The days, they go by like…”

AA: The days, they go by like.. years as I wait for Time Warner to fix my Internet in my new apartment, as I slowly devolve into madness hoping I can steal a small nugget of Internet from the Wi-Fi network titled ‘sambar.’

SM: What’s in your pockets right now?

AA: Wallet, blackberry, tiny joke notebook, keys.

SM: When was the last time you noticed something important about a stranger?

AA: When I was at a Chic-fil-a in Tennessee, I noticed that a young girl still had a “M” sticker on her shirt, unknowingly informing everyone she was wearing a medium shirt. I told her she liked like a fool, and she took it off.

SM: What’s your plan to get out of potential trouble when you are walking the street late at night?

AA: I’ll grab all the bills I have in my wallet, and toss them in the air and while the hoodlums are grabbing the cash I’ll run for cover. I carry a shit ton of cash all the time, so when I toss those bills up, it’ll act as a makeshift “money smokescreen” that will easily allow me to escape the criminal scum.

SM: Please regale us with an anecdote.

AA: I went to return some pillows at Crate and Barrel, because they were down feather pillows, and the feathers kept pricking me outside the pillow. It was a totally valid reason to switch the pillows to their down alternative line. However, I got to the customer service rep and started lying. I was like “Hey, I’d like to return these pillows…yeah, my wife was complaining about the feathers pricking her, so NOW she wants me to come here and switch em out.” (I’m not married, but my imaginary wife is apparently “A HUGE NAG!” and I treat her terribly at home probably. I’m a terrible imaginary husband.) And then the Crate and Barrel dude goes “Heh, I know the type… hey what’s her ethnicity?” Being that the wife was imaginary, I took way too long a pause before saying… “Asian.” The guy said “Oh.” I was bummed. I wanted to know what ethnicity I could have said to get the sexist stereotype he had stored in his head.

SM: What’s the most important item in your refrigerator?

AA: The only thing I own in my fridge right now is milk, so it’s most important by default.

SM: If you could shrink anything down to keychain size, what would be tethered to your keys?

AA: A tiny Chic-fil-a that I could expand to full normal size whenever I felt like eating Chic-Fil-A. For those not in the know, Chic-Fil-A is a kickass fast food chain specializing in chicken sandwiches and nuggets. They are predominantly located in the south and have yet to expand to LA or NY, where I spend most of my time. So, having it in that keychain version would kick ass. Although, it would make a very hard life for my employees, one minute being trapped in a keychain sized Chic-Fil-A, and the next second a full normal sized one. I guess they are trapped in the Chic-Fil-A anyway, so unless the expanding/shrinking process was painful, it would all be the same to them. Wait, I wouldn’t want to trap and enslave the Chic-Fil-A employees for eternity, so maybe its just some machine that lets me have Chic-Fil-A food whenever I want. I may have run a little too wild with this, given how crazy and “anything goes” my answer has gotten. I have the ability to break so many rules of reality and existence in this answer and all I’m getting out of it is some chicken. I should just switch my answer to “an everlasting supply of love and happiness” (which would include the Chic-fil-A anyway, as it is essential to my happiness).

SM: If you overheard your opponents talking about how they had to be careful because you had a regular hand and an “awesome” hand, what kind of hand would they be describing?

AA: I was a bit confused by this question, but after consulting, I now understand you mean hand under the definition of “talent or skill.” My regular hand is probably my knowledge of science and mathematics. My awesome hand is foosball. I fucking dominate in foosball. (I went to a high school for kids advanced in Science and Mathematics, but spent most of time dominating people in foosball.)

SM: Where do you think you’re going after this life?

AA: I would like to be reincarnated as Bear Ghrylls, host of TV’s “Man vs. Wild.”

SM: What’s your worst publicly acceptable habit?

AA: I’m afraid it’s the constant checking of Blackberry and I always leave my fly open, by accident, not on purpose.

SM: Please compose a haiku or short poem.

I am late for lunch.
I must leave now, so sorry.
Sorry, haiku sucked.

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