SM: Please describe your smile to someone who has never seen it.
BS: I think that you should ask an ex-girlfriend or someone I’ve dated this question. Any answer I give would probably make me sound like a douche bag, unless it was some self-deprecating lie. I think Heather O’Neill would word it perfectly, albeit somewhat biased. Let me know if you find her.
SM: When was the last time you looked over your shoulder at something important?
BS: I don’t even know what the fuck you’re talking about. I get visions of Moses looking back at the red sea when I read this question. like, “fuckin’ a. look what god n I did… together. but mostly me.” I think a moment I can remember even looking over my shoulder was when I got dropped off at the airport and looked to see the girl, you know, in her car n shit.
SM: what’s the first thing you want to know about a stranger?
BS: Will this person end up killing me or telling the world I have a small dick?
SM: In the middle of the interview, an anecdote is requested.
BS: All I know is that scene in rush hour 2, when Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker see that room full of girls behind glass that you can pick and choose from- based on reality.
SM: If we could dedicate colors to people or events or things the way we dedicate songs, what color would you dedicate to who or what?
BS: I would give Jason Muhlberger turquoise, Sunday grey, and the films of Woody Allen, indigo.
SM: If a poem is a house, who answers your doors?
BS: Am I supposed to reply with a poem or a poet here? I guess my doors are answered by someone from a third world country, happy to be making first world dollars, even though I’m paying him/her less than minimum wage. Or some unknown crapass whose invocation of their name would make me seem cool to literary jackasses. NOT Charles Bukowski.
SM: What’s the closest thing you know of to casting a spell?
BS: When a girl looks into your eyes while biting her lip. e-fucking-gad.
SM: When was the last time you had to take an unexpected walk?
BS: I don’t know. That one time.
SM: What do you seek to remedy melancholy?
BS: A joint plus Zoolander. Well, there goes my career in public office.
SM: Please describe an impressionable moment from your childhood.
BS: The time a group of older kids tried to convince me that a cut in half gallon of milk on the ground filled with pisswas really mountain dew. Thank god I didn’t drink that shit, and thank god at five years old, I realized that your so-called friends will fuck you over for their instant gratification.
Zip it up and zip it out.