SM: When was the last time you did something without having any good reason for doing it?
KD: A couple of weeks ago some stranger on some message board put up a survey to see if people wipe sitting or standing. I have always been a stander and I was definitely totally content in my method. one day last week, for no good reason, I said “today I will be a sitter” so I did what is known in classy circles as “the sit down/reach around”. For no good reason. And I will never be the same again. What a difference sitting makes! Especially for a fat-assed broad like myself. The lean like that makes the butthole so much more accessible. The cheeks are spared streaking and the amount of paper necessary to get clean is minimized by “a lot”. My ass and the earth are happier all because of a whim!
SM: What do you want to happen to you this year?
KD: I want to put on a production of Annie that has lots of ugly orphans and cute dinosaurs in it. I want to audition and get cast as Annie. I will dispute my decision to have my character eaten off by a dinosaur but I will lose that fight, and my tragic death scene will be so touching that it will propel the show straight to Broadway and Whoopi Goldberg will see it and ask me if she can sing on my next record.
SM: If you were to illustrate yourself doing something your friends and associates have recommended you avoid doing, what would you be drawing?
KD: It would a lite brite drawing of myself pretending I am a Christian and getting knocked up by a preacher and then saying “just kidding- I am Jewish”. The Jewish part would be a joke too, but he wouldn’t know that. It would be really funny while I skipped off with our cute little atheist fetus growing in my belly. My friends don’t think I am stable enough to be a single mom. Pssssh. WHATEVER.
SM: When was the last time you felt like you didn’t want to stop moving?
KD: There was no last time.
SM: To what degree do you trust your dreams as messengers?
KD: Well, my dreams told me I could jump all the way down the stairs and land light in my loafers at the bottom. so when i was like 11 my family had just gotten back from Rhode Island and the litter box had 3 days and six cats worth of pee and poo in it so i tried to jump down the stairs to dump it but i couldn’t really jump down the stairs like my dreams had said and i ended up crumpled on the kitchen floor covered in gritty ass shit. SHIT. Stinky fucking catshits. all over my face and in my hair and trouser cuffs. But then this one time I kissed a gay guy while watching willow and he kissed me back. My dreams had told me I could do that too. sometimes they are trustworthy, sometimes not, but I’ll take a little crap in the face Monday if it means I get a little taste of gay man tongue on Saturday. Know what I mean?
SM: In the middle of the interview, an anecdote is requested.
KD: In 1987 I played “Jane” in an educational film about self esteem, shown in health classes around the country. I played the girl with great self esteem. But in reality I wanted to kill myself.
SM: If you woke up to find all the clocks running backwards, and the people around you going backward with them, how would you spend your day?
KD: Peeking over the tops of stalls, watching the poop go back up people’s butts.
SM: When was the last time you felt you completely understood something?
SM: If there was a door someone could open and see inside your head, what would someone have to say in order to open it?
KD: Little pig, little pig….
SM: Please compose a brief poem or haiku on the subject of your choosing.
my true forte is
writing period haikus
in my live journal