Interview with Robert Lanham * Author of The Hipster Handbook & Editor of Free Williamsburg

SM: If all the important aspects of your dreams were “marked” to get your attention, what sort of marking would they have?

RL: Esther Williams shows up to do a little aquatic dance number to highlight the important stuff.

SM: How do you calm yourself when you are angry?

RL: I crank Organized Konfusion’s “Bring it on Motherfucker” as loud as humanly possible. If necessary, I bust a cap.

SM: When was the last time you stood in a river?

RL: When I was baptized in Twin Falls, Arkansas by Mel Gibson.

SM: What is an activity that you consider yourself to be very good at?

RL: I’m horrible at pool, but ALWAYS win. You will hit the eight ball in when playing me. I promise. I’m also very good at doing it.

SM: Please indulge us with an anecdote.

RL: I have a bit of a Seinfeld germ thing, but nevertheless got so drunk at a bluegrass festival in Maine, I absentmindedly brought a slice of pizza into a Porta Pottie.

SM: Please describe an impressionable moment from adolescence.

RL: My older brother told me Kansas was a really good band. I learned all the words to every song on Point of Know Return. I also learned (albeit much later) that Kansas is a horrible, horrible band.

SM: How do you feel most days, just walking down the street?

RL: I live in New York and love walking down the street. It makes me happy. That’s why I moved here. There’s no cheaper form of entertainment than people watching. Walking down the street and observing people inspired my latest book, Food Court Druids, Cherohonkees and other Creatures Unique to the Republic.

SM: What do you think your arch-nemesis is doing right now?

RL: I had an arch nemesis in high school, but am currently looking for a replacement. In high school, my nemesis was Kevin Whitehead. I was the fastest runner in school until he came along. He also tried to date Becky Henry when I was already going with her. I suppose if your last name is Whitehead, you’re destined to be a dick.
I’d assume Mr. Whitehead works at Hecht’s or JCPenney’s. Hopefully, he got married and now has an even more horrible last name like Kevin Whitehead-Lipscomb or Kevin White-Whitehead.

SM: If you were driving the devil to a party, what car would you like to take?

RL: I guess I’d get him and Karl to pick me up on Air Force One.

SM: Please compose a brief poem or haiku on the subject of your choosing.

RL: Like most people, I enjoy Wiccan poetry. Here’s one I recently penned:

I’m shrouded in goat’s blood
My cloven-hoofed demonlord
Oh blessed art thou, let me feedeth you
Ferret hearts
Lighteth thy eternal candelabra
And rejoice in carnal bliss
I sing to you sweet Hecate
Beloved praise music
John Tesh at Redrocks

Robert’s most recent book, “Food Court Druids, Cherohonkee and other Creatures Unique to the Republic” can be purchased here: