Interview with Val Kappa • Comedian

SM: If you were to illustrate a river with a secret in it, what would you be sure to include in the drawing?

VK: I would draw a river with an empty canoe floating on it. To the side of the river would stand an octopus gazing at the canoe through a large magnifying glass that he would be holding in one of his tentacles which for some reason appears to have a hand at the end of it.
I’m pretty sure that’s what I’d include.

SM: If you woke up tomorrow and found that you had been transformed into a tree, who would you prefer to sit in your shade?

VK: I would prefer Prince to sit in the shade. I of course realize that it would be hard to get Prince. But I’m sure he would return my phone call when I left a message on his voicemail and explained to him how I had just turned into a tree.
He would probably call me right back and be like, “I’m so there. And if it rains I’ll be sure to sing Purple Rain.”

SM: Please recommend a good line to begin a detective novel with.

VK: Trixie adjusted his bra strap and put on a fresh coat of lip gloss, because that’s what he always did before investigating a crime scene.

SM: When was the last time you were drawn to an unfamiliar building?

VK: Last week. I wasn’t drawn in though. I just kind of walked into the wrong building, and it took me awhile to figure out that I was in the wrong building.

SM: Please describe an impressionable moment from adolescence.

VK: In junior high I got contact lenses. And I was psyched to show up at school wearing them because the glasses I used to wear at that time were huuuuuge. So this was major stuff.
Someone in my class who was a lot more talkative than me kept saying,
“Wow Val you sure talk a lot now that you wear contacts.”
Which isn’t a bad thing to say to someone but they kept saying it over and over. So it kind of turned into something that I thought was bad. And also something that just made me really angry.
After awhile of them saying that to me over and over I found myself giving them a really hard bitch slap across the face.
It was an intense moment, and an intense bitch slap.
They had to back away from me to kind of recover from it.
Everyone in my class was really surprised because I had barely talked all year. I had always sat silently in the back. Then all of a sudden one day I showed up without my glasses and bitch slapped someone.
My reaction to the bitch slap incident was to start crying and go to the school nurse and pretend I was sick and get dismissed from school.
In conclusion:
I don’t wear contact lenses anymore.
That’s a story I like to call: The Day the Quiet Girl Made Some Noise

SM: If we scheduled you to lecture to a packed auditorium of everyone you will ever meet in your life, what topic would you choose to lecture on?

VK: I would reenact my 7th grade gymnastics routine from gym class. Just like in 7th grade I would enter the auditorium to Paula Abdul’s song, “Opposites Attract”, then proceed to do a series of forward and backward somersaults accompanied by a lot of arm waving.
I’m not sure what I’d lecture about after doing that though.
I’m just pretty sure that that’s how I’d kick off the lecture.
But don’t hold me on it!

SM: What are you willing to make other people wait for?

VK: Astronaut Ice Cream

SM: What do you think strangers see when they meet you for the first time?

VK: A nerd who looks lost and needs directions.

SM: What do you consider to be the funniest thing you know?

VK: Repeatedly writing the word “Cock” in someone’s opened notebook when they are turned away from it, and then acting like you don’t know who wrote it when they angrily say, “Who keeps writing ‘Cock’ on my notebook?!”.

SM: Please compose a brief poem or haiku on the subject of your choosing.

VK: Here’s an excerpt of something I wrote in high school:
Finesse, Finesse
Oh no, oh no
Pert Plus, Pert Plus
Just wash and go

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Interview with Beau Sia * Poet