Interviews With Comedians Andres du Bouchet & Anthony DeVito

Interview with Andres du Bouchet

SM: Do you know how to cook? My girlfriend says I will never be complete until I learn how to cook. Is this true?

ADB: I can cook, and indeed, I never felt complete until I learned how to cook. Because the thing I learned to cook was a NEW ARM FOR MYSELF SINCE I LOST MY ARM IN THAT TERRIBLE PLAY-DOH ACCIDENT WHEN I WAS A CHILD!!!

SM: When you find yourself in a crowd of people, what do you look for first?

ADB: Some sort of a slide or chute, or a trap door. Or a rope ladder dangling from a hot air balloon, or perhaps a catapult or a pair of spring-loaded shoes, or a supercharged po-go stick, or maybe even a giant friendly moth. Heck, even an unfriendly moth that can’t shake me off. As long as it can flutter me away from the crowd.

SM: Please describe how you feel others see you when they meet you for the first time.

ADB: Stooped, surly, awkward, burly, and probably eating something. Definitely drinking something.

SM: How would you prefer people address you if your given name was not an option?

ADB: Captain Manman: Overlord of the Testosterzone!

SM: Please describe an impressionable moment from the last month.

ADB: My friend Mark did an awesome impression of Wilford Brimley, except homophobic and with a foul mouth.

SM: If you wore the lyrics to a song around your neck for a year, what would those lyrics be?

ADB: “You can spend your time alone, redigesting past regrets,
or you can come to terms and realize
you’re the only one who can’t forgive yourself
makes much more sense to live in the present tense”

SM: If you were crowned king today, what would you be crowned king of?

ADB: Potential.

SM: If someone was trying to steal something from you (besides money), what would they likely be trying to take?

ADB: my good will

SM: When you hear the words,”city life”, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

ADB: Drunken 3am snarfing down of Ben & Jerry’s while sending e-mails I’ll regret.

SM: Please compose a haiku on the subject of your choosing.

i am the monster
hiding underneath your bed
pass down the cookies

Interview with Anthony DeVito

SM: Do you know how to sow? My girlfriend says I will never be complete until I learn how to sow. Is this true?

AD: It must be true, for 2 reasons. Firstly, girlfriends are never wrong, especially when it comes to pointing out gaping holes in their gentlemen. And B, I’ve been reaping like a maniac my whole life. Reap, reap, reap, ever since I was a kid. And I have zero to show for it. Why, because I never learned how to sow. I feel awful now.

SM: When you find yourself alone on a cold and overcast day, how do you pass the hours?

AD: This is an easy one, as I’ve had lots of practice. Usually, I’ll wander the city, pretending I’m on my way to meet Julia Roberts at that little café where we first met. You see, I bumped into her by accident and some of her latte splashed onto my great vintage overcoat. The witty verbal jousting that followed made me realize she was the one. I’ll often crank up Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” on my iPod mini (now discontinued) to help me along. Although I hate the part when she dies at the end, leaving me to bravely raise our little daughter Zoe alone. As long as we remember her, she’s not really gone.

SM: Do you have a favorite hour in the day?

AD: Do I have a favorite hour? Uh, ever hear of QUITTIN’ TIME?? Man, I cannot WAIT when that whistle blows so I can get the hell outta InvoiceCo (we make Invoices and Invoicing Supplies; I work in billing) and get my crazy ass down to P.J. Drinkington’s! It’s in the lobby of our building, and man do they know me there! WOO! Free wings! Whitesnake and Creed on the CD Jukebox! Sports! Does life get any better than this?

SM: How would you prefer people address you if your given name was not an option?

AD: If I could, I’d have one way for people I like and another for people I don’t. People I like could call me something that made them happy or that they were into. Like, “Hey, Downloading Music (me), could you help me get my leg out of this bobcat trap?” or “Yo, Lord of the Rings (me), I saw you do standup last week and you were really great.” That way, they’re talking to me and also giving me an idea of what to get them for their birthday. People I dislike would have to smack themselves in the face hard enough to get those red finger marks on their cheek. They would point to this in place of my name. This would please me, and also make them think long and hard about “addressing” me in the first place. Win-Win, they call it.

SM: Please describe an impressionable moment from adolescence.

AD: So many to choose from. World-class acne, Catholic School, getting mugged at gunpoint at 14 (it’s okay Brooklyn, I forgive you), the UFO abductions (yeah, “Sleep Paralysis” my ass)… but I keep coming back to the moment when I finally admitted to myself that my ethnic hair would never do any of the things that Duran Duran’s hair did. Getting okay with that was a huge step forward for me. You have to accept yourself for who you are, at least until you can afford the surgery. A full set of DaVinci porcelain veneers can erase a lifetime of hurt.

SM: Please describe a favorite article of clothing.

A: I’ve always been partial to my giant red codpiece. I got it on ebay and the seller said it was the actual one worn by Cameo’s Larry Blackmon in the video for “Just Like Candy.” I wasn’t exaggerating when I left the positive feedback “Great Transaction! A+++++++++++++!”

I also can’t live without my “skinny jeans.” I know, I’m a nut!

SM: If you were crowned king today, what would you be crowned king of?

AD: I have this thing about dogs. I love them (some say too much) and most of them feel the same about me. So I would be crowned “King Of All Puppies” and I would greet my subjects with a hearty “Who’s a boy?? Yes you are! OojaboojaBOY!” Actually, I already do that every time I see a dog— I call it Canine Tourette’s. Still, it would be nice to have the title. I could park anywhere.

SM: If you were jailed for theft tomorrow, what would you likely have stolen?

AD: A few precious moments with Lady Radcliffe. For though I am of quite humble birth and could never hope to inhabit her world, my heart burns with the heat of a thousand suns whenever I see her upon her steed Mephisto. And when she returns to her stables from a day of riding, I am there, ever hopeful to feel even a small wisp of her sweet breath as I help her dismount. Our eyes lock, and it is then that I know she indeed shares my most secret desire. But it can never be, as she is betrothed to that cur Lord Higginbottom, whom I would surely thrash if it would not mean my banishment from the manor and my Lady’s angelic visage.

SM: When you hear the words, “slow infatuation”, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

AD: To be honest, kidnapping. That probably means something bad, but that’s literally what popped into my head. But not the kind that ends with the cops finding a head in a box. I mean SEXY kidnapping, where a spoiled rich girl is held for ransom, but the guy isn’t really bad, just misguided, and he’s just getting back at her evil father for destroying his family’s small fleet of fishing boats in the name of profit. Of course, she hates the guy at first, but eventually she comes to realize that “Daddy“ isn’t the kind of man she always thought he was. Then they do it.

SM: Please compose a haiku on the subject of your choosing.

Commercial go-sees
Remind me I’m a big wop
“Sorry, too swarthy.”